Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

October 7, 2013 · 8:22 pm

Hair in Your Food

People eat food and people shed hairs. At some point in your life, those two occurrences will collide and you will find hair in your food. Everyone has hair, and everyone’s hair falls out. You will have to deal with someone else’s hair in your food at some point. You just don’t want to eat it. It doesn’t matter how hygienic they are, or how clean and conditioned their hair is, you don’t want any of their dead cells in your mouth. Hair in your food is gross. But there’s nothing worse than finding a hair in your food when you’re halfway done with your meal. It makes you sick to your stomach. It makes you wonder if you had a bite of food that contained someone else’s follicles. Just don’t take it out on your server. It’s not his fault. Blame the shedding cook. And hopefully it’s not curly.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 5, 2013 · 10:00 am

This Tastes Bad, Try It

You’re relaxing in the break room and your coworker comes in, sits down, and starts eating her homemade lunch. She pulls out a wilted sandwich that looks like it has been sitting out a little too long. She opens her mouth, takes a bite, starts chewing slowly and carefully, and swallows it with a slight grimace. Then she looks at you and asks, “This tastes bad, try it.”

“No,” you say, “Fuck no, in fact.” And who can blame you? That sandwich looked gross from the get-go. Then you saw her reaction as she was eating it. And then she confirmed it by saying that it tasted bad. Why would you possibly want to try it? And why would she even offer you a disgusting sandwich? That’s not very nice. That’s not how you share. You should share good things, things that other people would enjoy. Not bad or weird tasting things. Maybe she wants you to suffer with her. She wants you to experience the same terrible things that she has. She wants you to feel her pain. Just say no. Whatever you do, don’t take a bite.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 5, 2013 · 9:58 am

Arguing With a Clueless Person

People like to argue. They like to verbally spar and match wits with other people. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that’s great and all, but the problem is everyone thinks that their opinion is the right one and some people are simply wrong. They will ignore facts and speak passionately about something that they know nothing about. They refuse to see reason. They talk just to hear themselves talk. They are wrong, but they don’t care, their only goal is to piss you off and make you angry. Arguing with a clueless person is an exercise in futility. You can’t win. He is far too dumb and way too proud to ever concede to reason, logic, and cold hard facts. He can never admit that you’re right because that would mean that he is wrong. All you can do is swallow your pride, walk away from the argument, and then bitch about that jackass to anyone who will listen.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 4, 2013 · 9:45 am

Calling Somebody Old on Their Birthday

There are a million different birthday traditions that you feel obliged to practice. Let’s say that it’s your friend’s birthday and you want to celebrate. You’ll throw him a birthday party. You’ll buy him a birthday cake with birthday candles. You’ll buy him a birthday present and a signed birthday card. But it’s not officially his birthday until you give him grief about getting older. Calling somebody old on their birthday is the best way to remind someone about their mortality. They are one year closer to death, and you need to rub it in their face. Their saggy, old, wrinkled face. It’s a way to punch them in the gut on their special day. You need to do it out of love though, and not malice. You don’t want to make them cry, just feel a little less immortal.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 4, 2013 · 9:41 am

Folding a Map

Maps were a way of getting from Point A to Point B before the days of GPS and smart phones. These days you only use a map when you’re playing Grand Theft Auto V. You unfold the map, spread it out, and try to find the road that will take you from where you are to where you want to go. Then you fold have to fold the map back up into it original form. But that’s harder than you think. Folding a map is a lot harder than reading a map. Reading a map just requires common sense and a vague sense of direction. Folding a map is always a challenge. It’s hard to find the correct creases. You always end up folding one part the wrong way. You’ll fold it hot dog when you should have folded it hamburger. Folding a map is hard. It takes practice. Most people get frustrated and hand it over to somebody else to fold it for them. Everyone has a little OCD when it comes to folding maps.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 3, 2013 · 9:56 am

Airports

Airports are some of the most interesting places on Earth. A major airport is its own little world. It reflects the city around it, like when you hop off a plane in Vegas and see slot machines in the terminal. And even though each airport is unique, they are still all the same. A lot of airports have the same features. Huge airports usually have the moving walkways, those giant treadmills that move passengers and their luggage at slightly faster speeds. Those people movers become pretty fun after a few drinks. All major American airports have a Chili’s in them. It’s required by law.

You see the same types of people at every airport. You see the tired, travel-weary passengers trying to catch a few minutes of sleep using their carry-on as a makeshift pillow. You see the frantic young couples desperately trying to quiet their screaming toddlers. You see nervous people who are scared of flying trying to find some liquid courage at an outrageously overpriced bar. You see angry people yelling at bored ticket agents. All of them are united by delayed departures and changing arrival times.

You have to deal with airports if you want to see the world. You might as well embrace them and accept them. Yeah, they have overpriced stores and expensive restaurants. But you can also see people from all around the world, and you get a different perspective when you see how small the world really is.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 3, 2013 · 9:54 am

Helicopters

Helicopters are an amazing piece of technology. They can fly in any direction swiftly and nimbly, like giant manmade hummingbirds. Helicopters are useful for news and traffic reports, for transporting billionaires around, for fighting fires, and for military operations to secure oil derricks and kill innocent civilians around the world. I’ve never been in a helicopter and I don’t want to. I’m not scared of them, I just don’t trust them. If something goes wrong in a plane, you can always hope that the pilot can glide you to a safe landing. But if something goes wrong in a helicopter, you fall out of the sky life a rock. Planes have parachutes, life jackets, inflatable slides, and ejector seats in case of an emergency. An ejector seat in a helicopter would lead to an even faster and messier death. Those rotor blades can do some serious damage. Just ask Vic Morrow (That’s a really good joke, but it might require a quick Google search).

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 2, 2013 · 12:38 pm

Counting the Holes in the Ceiling

I don’t like being bored. I always need to be doing something that stimulates my brain. I like reading. I like writing. I like watching TV and movies and listening to music. But sometimes I can’t do anything but count the holes on the ceiling. I just got back from the dentist and had to lie on my back for forty-five minutes while they poked and prodded and polished my teeth. Counting the holes in the ceiling was the only thing that I could do to keep from going crazy. You don’t want to actually count each individual hole, that will take forever. Start with one ceiling tile and count the number of holes in the first row and the first column, then multiply those numbers together and you will end up with the amount of holes per tile. Then you simply have to count all the tiles and multiply it by the amount of holes in one tile. The hard part is doing this all in your head and not losing track. It’s hard to do math without any paper or a calculator. You actually have to think. Even if you do succeed, it’s a hollow victory. Nobody cares how many holes are on the ceiling in your dentist’s office or that you counted them yourself.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 1, 2013 · 9:53 am

Ripped Dollar

I went out to dinner a few nights ago and picked up the check with my credit card. My friends opened their wallets and threw a couple of bucks my way and then we all parted ways. I got back home and took out the cash to count it and I noticed that someone slipped in a ripped ten-dollar-bill. It was practically ripped in half, and the two pieces were barely holding together. A slight breeze could have blown it apart. I felt hurt and betrayed. I could not believe that one of my so-called friends would have the audacity to give me such a ghetto piece of legal tender. At least tape it up before you give it to me. You only have two options when you get a ripped dollar. You can go to the bank and exchange it for another bill, or you can tape it up and try to pass it on to some unsuspecting cashier. Money is supposed to be crisp, clean, and sexy. Nobody wants a tainted ripped dollar. Try to get rid of it as fast as you can and move on with your life.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 1, 2013 · 9:51 am

Puddles

A puddle is a small pool of a liquid. Most of the puddles that you encounter are rain puddles. If you have babies or puppies, you are more familiar with pee puddles. If you know my friends, you are more familiar with puddles of vomit. It was fun to splash and stomp in puddles in the rain when you were a kid, but then you grew up and realized that the world is a soulless, crushing place and now splashing in puddles doesn’t do anything for you anymore. The only joy you get from puddles these days is from watching cars drive through them and soaking old ladies walking down the sidewalk. Grandma shouldn’t be walking in the rain anyway.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 30, 2013 · 9:52 am

Awkward Handshake

Awkward handshakes are embarrassing. You’ll bump into a casual acquaintance on the street and you go in to greet him with a handshake as he’s trying to greet you with a fist bump. And you notice that he’s trying to fist bump so you start to make a fist, and simultaneously he sees that you’re trying to shake hands so he switches to a handshake. You both start fumbling around between a potential fist bump and a handshake, and it’s pretty obvious that you guys aren’t on the same page. Someone has to take charge and declare if the greeting will be a bump or a shake. It’s also awkward when you both go in for a handshake and then you try to follow it with a fist bump but he doesn’t catch on and he leaves you there fist bumping the air like a Jersey Shore asshole. An awkward handshake is a terrible way to begin a greeting. It can only go down from there. Just pretend like nothing happened and end the conversation by walking away. You’re not being rude, you’re just trying to save face and redeem yourself.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 29, 2013 · 6:18 pm

Forgetting What Day It Is

You wake up on a Wednesday but you think that it’s Thursday for some reason. You go through the whole day thinking that it’s Thursday and that tomorrow is Friday and you start planning accordingly. You start thinking about grabbing some drinks with a few friends, maybe catching a flick at the cinema. And then someone says something that snaps you back into reality, and you realize with a groan that it’s still just Wednesday and you still have a few more days until freedom. You feel confused and jumbled, like it’s an early glimpse of Alzheimer’s. Don’t stress though. Everyone ends up forgetting what day it is at some point. You should be more worried if you’re forgetting what year it is. You’re either genuinely losing it or you’re a time traveller.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 28, 2013 · 9:52 am

Getting Locked Out

Getting locked out sucks. I’m letting a friend crash on my couch because I’m a swell guy like that. I gave him my only set of keys the other night because I had to work a night shift and he was going to hang out with some friends. He said he would be home before me. I didn’t think so, but I gave it to him anyway and told him I would call him when I was done with work. Work was slow so I got cut early, sent him a text saying I was done, and jumped on my train and started heading home. I got off at my stop, called him, and he said that he was ten minutes away. Perfect, just enough time to go to the liquor store and grab some beer, snacks, and ice cream. I got my supplies and went to my house and started waiting. And waiting. And waiting. My roommates weren’t there and my friend wasn’t answering his phone. I was locked out and there was no way to get in without a key. At first I was annoyed that he was late. Then I was kind of worried that something might have happened to him. Then I noticed that my ice cream was starting to melt and I got pissed. It took all my restraint from choking his light out when he finally sauntered up to the door after an hour, mumbling his apology. Sorries don’t turn back the clock. Sorries don’t unlock doors. Sorries don’t unmelt ice cream.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 26, 2013 · 11:32 am

Nobody Notices That You Got a Haircut

Your hair is getting long and shaggy, and it’s time for a trim. You go to the barbershop, you plop down some cash, and you leave a while later with a stylish new do. But nobody notices it. Nobody cares about it. Nobody compliments you on it. The world is indifferent. You should have saved your money and let your hair continue to grow. Don’t take it personally when nobody notices that you got a haircut. People tend not to notice minor changes in other people’s appearances. Everyone has got their own shit to deal with. Besides, you probably didn’t notice that Sarah is wearing a new shirt, and she’s crushed that you didn’t even say anything about it. You asshole.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 26, 2013 · 11:26 am

Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Don’t talk with your mouth full. “But why not?” you ask, with food dribbling down the side of your face. Because it’s gross and because you’re not a fucking five-year-old. I don’t want to hear you chewing and chomping and smacking your lips as we make idle conversation. And I don’t appreciate the specks of your chewed food splattering on my face. It’s bad enough I have to listen to you talk, but this is really pushing it. Chew with your mouth closed. It’s common sense and it’s common courtesy. You should masturbate behind a closed door, and you should masticate behind a closed mouth. Nobody wants to see what’s going on in there. Close your mouth, swallow your food, and then you can join the conversation.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 24, 2013 · 10:57 am

A Hole in Your Favorite Shirt

It’s a sad day when you find a hole in your favorite shirt. Your favorite shirt almost becomes a part of you. It’s comfortable and it fits well and it makes you look cool and it makes you feel good. You’ve worn it to parties, to dinners, on vacations, on dates, and you always managed to keep in clean and pristine. But time has a way of slogging on, and eventually the wear and tear will be too much to bear and a hole will form. You don’t have to throw it away. You can still wear it around the house, but you have to retire it from public appearances. When your favorite shirt gets demoted, another gets promoted. And even though you’ll miss the old one, your new shirt will eventually win your heart, and you’ll eventually create a new bunch of memories with your new favorite.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 23, 2013 · 12:38 pm

The Cigarette Club

People who smoke cigarettes are part of a club: the Cigarette Club. Being a member allows you to approach anybody that is smoking or carrying cigarettes and ask them for a smoke. They are obliged to hand one to you. You can also ask for a light at anytime. They will either light your cigarette for you or hand you a pack of matches. But if you are a club member you are also obliged to give up cigarettes to any stranger who asks for one. And offer them a light on top of it. And pretend like you don’t mind. If you want to join, membership is easy. All it requires is a one-time purchase of a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and you’re in. Now every smoking stranger is your friend. But friends mooch sometimes. Sometimes you’re the moocher and sometimes you’re the moochie. At least you’re part of a club.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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