Tag Archives: clothing

Pockets

Being a man in today’s society has a lot of perks. I’m not trying to be sexist. I’m just stating a fact. We have pockets. Men’s clothing has real, fully functional pockets. That’s a huge advantage. Women’s pockets are mostly decorative, and as a result they are stuck lugging around a large external pocket that they call a purse to carry all the stuff they need day to day. Some might be able to use the butt pocket on their jeans to hold their cellphone if they’re lucky, but the other pockets are pretty much useless. It’s a novelty if they have an article of clothing with a working pocket. They show it off to all their friends, “Look! A pocket!” Meanwhile I have a pocket for my phone, a pocket for my keys, a pocket for my wallet, and I have a lot more pockets to spare. That’s just my pants. If I throw on a jacket, I’ll have even more pockets. Guys have so many pockets that there are multiple industries competing for pocket space. We have pocket knives, pocket watches, handkerchiefs, hell, we can even play pocket pool.  The Battle of the Sexes is finally finished. We have pockets. You don’t. Game over.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pants

Pants are an article of clothing that cover your ass, legs, and junk. They typically go from your waist to your ankles, or from your ankles to your waist depending on how you look at it. Some countries call them trousers, but here in America we call them pants. Foreigners wear trousers. Muricans wear pants. There are many different types of pants. There are jeans, leggings, Capris, ass-less chaps, breeches. There are also many different ways to hold your pants up. Most people prefer belts, hipsters and old people go for suspenders, and some rugged individuals use rope, extension cords, or duct tape. Pants are interesting because the word is both singular and plural. It’s also a noun and a verb and a contradiction, like when you pants somebody in gym class. It’s contradictory because you‘re taking off somebody’s pants when you pants them. I like pants. I wear them every day except when it’s my day off and I don’t have to. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that chicks can wear pants now too thanks to the women’s liberation movement. What a time to be alive.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Hole in Your Favorite Shirt

It’s a sad day when you find a hole in your favorite shirt. Your favorite shirt almost becomes a part of you. It’s comfortable and it fits well and it makes you look cool and it makes you feel good. You’ve worn it to parties, to dinners, on vacations, on dates, and you always managed to keep in clean and pristine. But time has a way of slogging on, and eventually the wear and tear will be too much to bear and a hole will form. You don’t have to throw it away. You can still wear it around the house, but you have to retire it from public appearances. When your favorite shirt gets demoted, another gets promoted. And even though you’ll miss the old one, your new shirt will eventually win your heart, and you’ll eventually create a new bunch of memories with your new favorite.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hamper

A hamper is a storage bin for your dirty clothes. It’s kind of like a trash can for your wardrobe. You just throw your shirts and socks and underwear in the hamper at the end of the day. After a few weeks it will be overflowing with dirty clothes and you’ll have to do laundry because you have nothing else to wear. You can’t be a functional adult without having a hamper. You can’t keep your used clothes in a heap on the floor or in a trash bag in your closet. Well you can, but you probably won’t get laid anytime soon. So go to the hamper store and buy a hamper if you don’t have a hamper. Then put your dirty clothes in it, then do the laundry when it’s full, and then repeat the process until you die.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Laundry Day

One downside of living in society is having to wear clothes all the time. So most people have a wardrobe. You can’t wear dirty clothes if you want people to accept you so you have to wash your shit every couple of weeks. Laundry day can be a chore and a hassle. Especially if you go to the Laundromat. You can either sit there and watch your clothes spin around for an hour or you can leave and hope that no one steals your shit. Neither option is very appealing.

The best thing about laundry day is that you can use it as an excuse, “I can’t do it that day, it’s my only day off and I need to do laundry.” It’s more practical that saying you have to go to the dentist and way more believable than claiming you have a bunch of errands to run.

Laundry day is a part of life, at least until you win the lotto and can afford a brand new outfit every day.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Boxers

Guys like going commando. Free and easy, just letting it all hang out, free ballin’… it’s a great feeling.  But society looks down on that. Freedom is for people, not for penises and scrotums to enjoy. Society stresses underwear. Sorry genitals. But there is a great option: boxers. They are like the loose shorts of the underwear world. It’s like going commando without the guilt. Now your junk can enjoy the breeze, and you’re not a sleaze. Boxer briefs are dumb. They look dumb and they are dumb. Whitie-tighties are even dumber. Those are some intellectually inferior undergarments. So dumb. Boxers are smart. Your junk won’t lose circulation, you have easy access for urination, and everyday is a celebration.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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