Tag Archives: bum

Shaking a Cup

There’s a lazy bum begging for spare change that I see practically every time I go downtown. I know that he’s lazy because he begs by shaking a cup. He doesn’t have a cardboard sign with anything witty written on it, he doesn’t talk or ask for money in a witty way, all he does is shake a cup in an attempt to entice you to donate. He doesn’t even shake the cup to a beat or make a song out of it. He just sees you approaching and shakes the cup. It’s pathetic, not just because he’s a bum, but because he doesn’t put any effort into his begging at all. He doesn’t even ask if I have any cash, he just shakes a cup. If you want money, then ask me for it. Shaking a cup means nothing to me. Be gone with you.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Cigarette Club

People who smoke cigarettes are part of a club: the Cigarette Club. Being a member allows you to approach anybody that is smoking or carrying cigarettes and ask them for a smoke. They are obliged to hand one to you. You can also ask for a light at anytime. They will either light your cigarette for you or hand you a pack of matches. But if you are a club member you are also obliged to give up cigarettes to any stranger who asks for one. And offer them a light on top of it. And pretend like you don’t mind. If you want to join, membership is easy. All it requires is a one-time purchase of a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and you’re in. Now every smoking stranger is your friend. But friends mooch sometimes. Sometimes you’re the moocher and sometimes you’re the moochie. At least you’re part of a club.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Homeless Guy Rollerblading

I got home late last night and got off my train a few stop early to stop by the store. I got some beer and some food and started walking home. I heard the familiar click-clacking sound of polyurethane wheels rolling over cement and turned around expecting to see a skateboarder, and was quite surprised to see a homeless guy rollerblading past me. First off, I wasn’t expecting to see a rollerblader, and there was no way in hell that I could have possible guessed that it would be a bum on wheels. But there he was, gliding by me with the grace of Kristi Yamaguchi. Not only was he graceful, he was good too. He was doing tricks and jumps and skating backwards and bombing down short hills. It’s good to know that you can still have a moment of joy when you don’t have anything else.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

A Bum Doing Laundry

Today was laundry day, so I brought my dirty clothes to the Laundromat and started throwing them into the washing machine. As I was doing this, I caught a whiff of something unpleasant and it wasn’t coming from my soiled drawers. I glanced around and spotted the source… there was a homeless guy fifteen feet away sitting on a chair and staring intently at his clothes thumping around in a dryer. I had to do a double take. I’ve never seen a bum doing laundry before. I just assumed that they changed one dirty outfit for another, or that they just wear the same exact thing every single day. Maybe most of them do. But this guy saved up a few bucks and used it to wash his clothes. He might not be able to take a shower, but he can still enjoy the feeling of a freshly cleaned shirt straight from the dryer. You have to take comfort in the little things in life, and that’s what this guy was doing. You sometimes forget that homeless people are homeless people, and sometimes it takes a bum doing laundry to remember that.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

A Snoring Homeless Guy

The other night I was trying to catch a late bus to get back to my house. I got to the bus stop with a few minutes to spare and was waiting for the bus to show up, and that’s when I heard somebody snoring. I looked around and discovered the source of the sound: it was a bum sleeping on the street right behind the bus stop. It was mindboggling how anyone could possibly be sleeping so soundly without a care in the world, especially on a crowded sidewalk by a busy street. I was actually a little jealous of him because I can’t remember the last time that I had a peaceful slumber of my own. It’s kind of sad when a snoring homeless guy gets a better night’s sleep than me. It’s not fair, my bed is way more comfortable than his cardboard box but he’s sleeping like a baby while I toss and turn. At least I don’t have to worry about getting shanked while I’m passed out.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Homeless People Riding the Bus Because It’s Raining

I don’t mind the rain. I like the smell of a fresh downpour. I like the sound of raindrops hitting the roof. I like using the emergency umbrella I carry in my backpack. The only thing I don’t like are the homeless people riding the bus because it’s raining. If you live in a city and rely on public transportation, you’ve probably experienced this too. The rain starts to fall and the homeless try to get dry. They’ll jump on the bus and ride it until their transfer expires. I’m not opposed to homeless people using public transportation, I’m opposed to wet and smelly homeless people using public transportation. It’s worse than wet dog smell. It’s a combination of piss, stale beer, sweaty socks, and depression. Wet bum stench gets stuck in your nostrils and lingers long after you get off the bus. There’s no escaping the stink, it follows you, it knows where you live, and it will haunt your dreams.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under People I Feel Sorry For