Tag Archives: flight

Flying On a Plane

Sticking to this airport theme that I have going here, let me just say that flying on a plane is the closest thing that we have to time travel. We are bending time and space whenever we fly from place to place. Now you can wake up in California and fall asleep in Paris. Do you realize how amazing that is? They would have called you crazy if you said that a hundred years ago. They would have burned you alive if you said that three hundred years ago. Flying on a plane is like cheating. An eight-hour drive becomes a two-hour flight. It makes the world a smaller and more accessible place. It’s a miracle of the Bill Nye variety. If you’re a nervous flier, I have some advice: remember that planes are designed to be in the air and ignore the fact that humans aren’t meant to fly. And go to the airport bar. That’s why it’s there.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young

airplane-flight-sunset

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Airports

Airports are some of the most interesting places on Earth. A major airport is its own little world. It reflects the city around it, like when you hop off a plane in Vegas and see slot machines in the terminal. And even though each airport is unique, they are still all the same. A lot of airports have the same features. Huge airports usually have the moving walkways, those giant treadmills that move passengers and their luggage at slightly faster speeds. Those people movers become pretty fun after a few drinks. All major American airports have a Chili’s in them. It’s required by law.

You see the same types of people at every airport. You see the tired, travel-weary passengers trying to catch a few minutes of sleep using their carry-on as a makeshift pillow. You see the frantic young couples desperately trying to quiet their screaming toddlers. You see nervous people who are scared of flying trying to find some liquid courage at an outrageously overpriced bar. You see angry people yelling at bored ticket agents. All of them are united by delayed departures and changing arrival times.

You have to deal with airports if you want to see the world. You might as well embrace them and accept them. Yeah, they have overpriced stores and expensive restaurants. But you can also see people from all around the world, and you get a different perspective when you see how small the world really is.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Turbulence

I’m not scared of flying, but I’m not much of a fan of turbulence. I know that planes want to be in the air, that they are designed to deal with sudden dips and drops and violent shakes, but it’s still pretty unsettling to know that you will plummet to your death if the wing rips off. All you can do is to try not to spill your drink or think about dying in a horrifying crash. And on that note, I don’t think that floatation devices under the seat are particularly helpful either. My last flight was from San Francisco to Las Vegas. I noticed that there aren’t too many places to execute an emergency water landing when you’re flying over the desert. I’d prefer a parachute under my seat instead. At least give me a fucking chance to survive. Flying is statistically the safest way to travel. But turbulence can still make you fall out of the sky.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Crying Babies on a Plane

I’m not a violent person, but I think it should be legal to throw a baby out of an airplane if it won’t stop crying. I realize that babies are precious, they are a miracle, a symbol of life, blah blah blah… but if it doesn’t shut up in two seconds, I am going to open the emergency door and fling that little fucker into the clouds below. And I would be hailed as a hero. The other passengers would cheer, the flight attendants would give me an extra bag of peanuts, the captain would invite me into the cockpit and let me steer the plane a little bit. They only person who would be remotely upset is the grieving mother, and even she’s kind of relieved. I probably did her a favor. Crying babies are annoying enough, but there’s no escape from a crying baby on a plane. They cry and they cry and they cry some more. Then they stop crying for a moment and you think that it’s finally over. Then they start crying again and it’s even louder this time. You only have two choices… You can kill yourself or you can kill the baby. And you’re way more invested in your own life. It only makes sense that the baby has to go.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Asking How Long the Flight Was

Whenever someone comes back from vacation, everyone has a bunch of questions. Where did you go? What did you do? Where did you stay? How expensive was it? And for some reason someone always asks how long the flight was. It’s one of those stupid cliché questions that people only ask to keep the conversation going. Gee, Hawaii sounds like a tropical paradise but the flight is 7 hours so I’m not going. Generally speaking, the guy who asks how long the flight was is only asking so he can one-up you and brag about his 14 hour flight. Just nod your head and pretend to be impressed with his ability to sit on his ass for extended periods of time.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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