Tag Archives: plane

D.B. Cooper

D.B. Cooper is the alias of an unidentified man who successfully hijacked a plane on November 24, 1971. ”Twas the night before Thanksgiving and D.B. Cooper had a meticulous plan. He bought a plane ticket with cash and shortly after takeoff he told a flight attendant that he had a bomb in his briefcase. He demanded four parachutes and two hundred thousand dollars in cash. His demands were met, he released some hostages, and arranged for the plane to go to Mexico. At some point during the flight he jumped out of the plane with the money and two parachutes, never to be seen again. It was and still remains the only unsolved case of air piracy in commercial aviation history.

Whether or not he survived is unknown. But this was a man with a plan and he’s become a legend. The FBI investigated the case for more than forty-five years before giving up. He inspired a slew of copycats, none of which were successful. It’s a fascinating story and Hollywood has been slacking on telling his tale. Someone needs to make a movie about him. Maybe Kevin Spacey can play him. His schedule is pretty open these days.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Closing the Airplane Window

I flew into Phoenix from San Francisco earlier today. I booked last minute and forgot to check in on time so I ended up stuck with a middle seat. Luckily it was a short flight so it wasn’t too bad. My biggest complaint was that the guy next to me had his window closed. I don’t know why. You get to choose your seat. Why would you choose a window seat if you’re only going to close it? It makes no sense. The biggest perk of the window seat is having a window to look out of, especially on when taking off or landing. It’s ok to close the window if the sun is blasting you, but the window shouldn’t be closed the entire time. Closing the airplane window is selfish. Think about the guy in the middle seat. Maybe he wants to look out the window. He can’t if you closed it. Don’t be a jerk, share the view.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young



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Planning Trying to Plan Things Via Texting

You’re kind of bored and you want to hang out with somebody. So you text your friend to see if he wants to hang out. He texts you back and says he does. You text him back and ask what he wants to do. He texts back that he’s not sure. You text back and ask if he’s hungry. He texts back and says he could eat and asks what you’re in the mood for. You text back that you want a burrito. He texts back that he had a burrito last night, but he could go for a pizza. You text back that you had pizza for lunch. He texts back to suggest Chinese food. You text back and say that Chinese food sounds good. He texts back to ask where you want to go. You text back and say that place on Fourth Avenue. He texts back to say that works. You text back and ask what time he wants to go. He texts back that he doesn’t care, he can go whenever. You text back and suggest you meet there in an hour. He texts back and says that it’s not enough time to get ready. You text back to suggest meeting in two hours. He texts back to say okay, and that he’ll see you there.

The entire texting exchange lasted over ninety minutes, when it could have taken ninety seconds if you actually called him. That’s the problem with trying to plan things via texting: it’s not convenient and it takes fucking forever. Smartphones are both a blessing and a curse. It’s really easy to stay connected but you’re not really interacting.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Coming Home After a Trip

Coming home after a trip is always weird. It feels like you cheated at life. It’s not normal to wake up in one place and fall asleep on the other side of the planet. You wake up in a hotel room a thousand miles away from home, go on a plane for a few hours, and end up sleeping in your own bed under your own roof at night. You feel tired, groggy, and out of it, but you’re home so you can’t complain. Coming home after a trip is a relatively new thing. Traveling used to take a long time. It took months to traverse the Oregon Trail. Now you can travel from San Francisco to Paris in under twelve hours. It feels good to come home, but you’re too lazy to unpack so just wait until its time to go on your next trip or it is laundry day. Delay the inevitable for as long as you can. Just make sure you have clean underwear.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Deboarding the Plane

Deboarding the plane is always a shit show. As soon as the plane touches the ground everyone unbuckles their seatbelt and stand up, desperate to get off the plane before it even reaches the gate. All the impatient people push and clamor their way into the aisle, despite the fact that the second row has gotten off yet and they are in the last row. The best way to deboard is to sit still and wait your damn turn. Let all the people sitting in front of you get up and get off before you try to do so. The aisle is too narrow to push your way past them anyway. Just relax and be civil, you fucking asshole.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Landing in a Plane

Landing in a plane is always the most nerve racking thing about flying. You’re high in the sky and then you start slowing down. The ground starts coming closer and closer, faster and faster. The plane shakes and shudders, it jumps and jerks. And you keep telling yourself that you’re gonna be fine, that you’re not going to crash, but a part of you thinks that it’s inevitable. You know that you’re not a good flier. All you can do is hope that your pilot is. Statistically you’re the most likely to crash when you’re taking off or when you’re landing. It’s best not to think about that though. Just try to enjoy the ride. I’ve been skydiving twice before and it’s always a trip to realize that I’ve taken off in a plane more times than I’ve landed in one.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Flight Delay

A flight delay is when your flight is delayed. Don’t make me spell it out for you. Planes are late all the time. It happens for all sorts of reasons such as weather, too much air traffic, unruly passengers, terror threats, drunk pilots, etc. I have a theory that flight delays are a conspiracy designed to get you to buy another round at the airport bar. Yesterday I was flying home from Vegas and had time for a quick drink. I got a double Jack & Coke and some fries, and was lucky enough to catch some of the Giants vs. the D-Backs game on TV, then strolled over to my boarding gate. I looked out the window and noticed that my plane hadn’t arrived yet, but I figured it wouldn’t be too long so I found an empty chair and pulled out a book to read. As soon as I pulled out my book, my phone buzzed and I had a text notification that my flight was going to be delayed forty-five minutes. My book wasn’t that interesting, so I went back to the bar and got a beer. Then another Jack & Coke because two beers would make me have to pee on the flight and I knew I had a window seat. That’s what I call drinking responsibly. I didn’t want another round. I didn’t want to waste more money. But my flight was delayed. What else could I do?

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Flying On a Plane

Sticking to this airport theme that I have going here, let me just say that flying on a plane is the closest thing that we have to time travel. We are bending time and space whenever we fly from place to place. Now you can wake up in California and fall asleep in Paris. Do you realize how amazing that is? They would have called you crazy if you said that a hundred years ago. They would have burned you alive if you said that three hundred years ago. Flying on a plane is like cheating. An eight-hour drive becomes a two-hour flight. It makes the world a smaller and more accessible place. It’s a miracle of the Bill Nye variety. If you’re a nervous flier, I have some advice: remember that planes are designed to be in the air and ignore the fact that humans aren’t meant to fly. And go to the airport bar. That’s why it’s there.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young

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Airports

Airports are some of the most interesting places on Earth. A major airport is its own little world. It reflects the city around it, like when you hop off a plane in Vegas and see slot machines in the terminal. And even though each airport is unique, they are still all the same. A lot of airports have the same features. Huge airports usually have the moving walkways, those giant treadmills that move passengers and their luggage at slightly faster speeds. Those people movers become pretty fun after a few drinks. All major American airports have a Chili’s in them. It’s required by law.

You see the same types of people at every airport. You see the tired, travel-weary passengers trying to catch a few minutes of sleep using their carry-on as a makeshift pillow. You see the frantic young couples desperately trying to quiet their screaming toddlers. You see nervous people who are scared of flying trying to find some liquid courage at an outrageously overpriced bar. You see angry people yelling at bored ticket agents. All of them are united by delayed departures and changing arrival times.

You have to deal with airports if you want to see the world. You might as well embrace them and accept them. Yeah, they have overpriced stores and expensive restaurants. But you can also see people from all around the world, and you get a different perspective when you see how small the world really is.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Turbulence

I’m not scared of flying, but I’m not much of a fan of turbulence. I know that planes want to be in the air, that they are designed to deal with sudden dips and drops and violent shakes, but it’s still pretty unsettling to know that you will plummet to your death if the wing rips off. All you can do is to try not to spill your drink or think about dying in a horrifying crash. And on that note, I don’t think that floatation devices under the seat are particularly helpful either. My last flight was from San Francisco to Las Vegas. I noticed that there aren’t too many places to execute an emergency water landing when you’re flying over the desert. I’d prefer a parachute under my seat instead. At least give me a fucking chance to survive. Flying is statistically the safest way to travel. But turbulence can still make you fall out of the sky.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Crying Babies on a Plane

I’m not a violent person, but I think it should be legal to throw a baby out of an airplane if it won’t stop crying. I realize that babies are precious, they are a miracle, a symbol of life, blah blah blah… but if it doesn’t shut up in two seconds, I am going to open the emergency door and fling that little fucker into the clouds below. And I would be hailed as a hero. The other passengers would cheer, the flight attendants would give me an extra bag of peanuts, the captain would invite me into the cockpit and let me steer the plane a little bit. They only person who would be remotely upset is the grieving mother, and even she’s kind of relieved. I probably did her a favor. Crying babies are annoying enough, but there’s no escape from a crying baby on a plane. They cry and they cry and they cry some more. Then they stop crying for a moment and you think that it’s finally over. Then they start crying again and it’s even louder this time. You only have two choices… You can kill yourself or you can kill the baby. And you’re way more invested in your own life. It only makes sense that the baby has to go.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Fighting for the Armrest

Humans are very territorial creatures. We put white picket fences around our lawn and yell at little kids for stepping on the grass.  There are very few situations as awkward as fighting for the armrest with a complete stranger. You want to arrive to your seat first on the plane or at the movie theater so you can establish control of an armrest and preferably both of them. You need your elbow support. It sucks when you get to your seat a little late and both armrests are occupied. You have to wait until someone moves his arm and you can casually but quickly sneak your arm onto the rest. It’s yours now. He didn’t call dibs.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Asking How Long the Flight Was

Whenever someone comes back from vacation, everyone has a bunch of questions. Where did you go? What did you do? Where did you stay? How expensive was it? And for some reason someone always asks how long the flight was. It’s one of those stupid cliché questions that people only ask to keep the conversation going. Gee, Hawaii sounds like a tropical paradise but the flight is 7 hours so I’m not going. Generally speaking, the guy who asks how long the flight was is only asking so he can one-up you and brag about his 14 hour flight. Just nod your head and pretend to be impressed with his ability to sit on his ass for extended periods of time.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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