Tag Archives: key

An Old Key

I have an old key on my key ring. It’s the key to a ratchet hotel that a bunch of my friends lived in for a few months during the summer of 2013. It’s a useless key. I don’t use it to open any doors. It serves no practical purpose. I know it takes up space on my key ring and in my pocket. But I won’t get rid of it. It’s a souvenir, a relic from a great time in my life. It’s a tangible memory that I can hold in my hand and use to snort blow in the bathroom while I’m clubbing. But mostly I keep it for the nostalgia factor. I’m not alone in keeping an old key. I know people who still have keys to old apartments or to the car they drove in college. You don’t want to live in the past, but there’s nothing wrong with hanging on to it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting Locked Out

Getting locked out sucks. I’m letting a friend crash on my couch because I’m a swell guy like that. I gave him my only set of keys the other night because I had to work a night shift and he was going to hang out with some friends. He said he would be home before me. I didn’t think so, but I gave it to him anyway and told him I would call him when I was done with work. Work was slow so I got cut early, sent him a text saying I was done, and jumped on my train and started heading home. I got off at my stop, called him, and he said that he was ten minutes away. Perfect, just enough time to go to the liquor store and grab some beer, snacks, and ice cream. I got my supplies and went to my house and started waiting. And waiting. And waiting. My roommates weren’t there and my friend wasn’t answering his phone. I was locked out and there was no way to get in without a key. At first I was annoyed that he was late. Then I was kind of worried that something might have happened to him. Then I noticed that my ice cream was starting to melt and I got pissed. It took all my restraint from choking his light out when he finally sauntered up to the door after an hour, mumbling his apology. Sorries don’t turn back the clock. Sorries don’t unlock doors. Sorries don’t unmelt ice cream.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Spare Key

I have a key to my front door that I keep in my pocket at all times. And I have a spare key in case I ever lose my main key. The problem is that I keep the spare key in my bedroom. So if I’m ever locked out of my house I would have to break in to get to the spare key. That kind of defeats the point of having the spare key. It’s like keeping an extra car key in the glove box. On one level it makes sense, and on the other level it’s fucking retarded. They should make backup spare keys so that you can get to your spare key in case you lose your main key. But then where would you keep your backup spare key? Probably right next to your spare key. On one level it makes sense…

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Key Rings

Key rings are little metal circles that hold your keys. It’s a bitch to get keys on and off of them. My fumbling fingers can get the keys on, so I always have to ask someone to do it for me. I’ve seen girls break their nails struggling to get them on and somehow it’s always my fault because it’s my stupid key ring. Once you finally get the key between the loop you have to remember which way is the exit or you’ll end up right where you started. Then you have to ask someone to open the key ring again. Someone else without a broken nail.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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That One Extra Key

Most people have keys. Most people keep those keys on a key ring. There’s a house key, a gate key, a car key, maybe an office key or a bike key…. And there’s always one extra key. It might be from an old apartment, or it might belong to a lock that you lost a long time ago. It might be a key to your ex’s place that you just keep for sentimental reasons. But there’s always one extra key on each key ring. It is a fundamental law of the universe. There’s only so many things you can do with an extra key: you can open use it for self defense as you make your way through a darkened parking lot, you can open a UPS package, or you can pick dirt from your fingernails. But you can’t get rid of it. You’ve had it for so long that your key ring will look weird without it.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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