Tag Archives: mouth

Opening Your Mouth Too Early At The Dentist

It’s time for your biannual dental checkup and you’re waiting in the reception room. The assistant calls your name and guides you into a small room with a chair. You climb into the chair, and then she puts a little bib on you and lowers the back of the chair. You settle into position as she readies all the tools and bits of torture for the dentist to use. Once she is all prepped, she leaves the room and tells you that the dentist will be right with you. You wait in awkward silence for a few minutes, alternating between fumbling with your phone and watching an unfamiliar daytime talk show with poorly typed closed captioning. At long last the dentist enters and asks how you’re doing as he looks over your records. He finally comes over and stands by your chair, and you automatically open your mouth. You realize a second later that he’s not ready to start and that your mouth is gaping for no reason. Opening your mouth too early at the dentist is a reflex. And it makes you feel stupid because your mouth instinctively gapes open whenever he gets close. It’s uncontrollable. It makes it impossible to hold a conversation with him. It’s hard to talk with your mouth wide open.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

SUN0319N-Dentist

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Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Don’t talk with your mouth full. “But why not?” you ask, with food dribbling down the side of your face. Because it’s gross and because you’re not a fucking five-year-old. I don’t want to hear you chewing and chomping and smacking your lips as we make idle conversation. And I don’t appreciate the specks of your chewed food splattering on my face. It’s bad enough I have to listen to you talk, but this is really pushing it. Chew with your mouth closed. It’s common sense and it’s common courtesy. You should masturbate behind a closed door, and you should masticate behind a closed mouth. Nobody wants to see what’s going on in there. Close your mouth, swallow your food, and then you can join the conversation.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Saying the Wrong Thing

Humans are lucky creatures because we have the ability to express our thoughts to other humans. But sometimes shit gets lost in translation and you end up saying the wrong thing. The other night my friend was talking about her childhood and her memories as a four-year-old. I wanted to know how long ago that was, like the year that it was when she was four. But the words got jumbled up on the way from my brain to my tongue, and I ended up asking her “How old were you when you were four?” I didn’t mean to ask her a trick question, and it took a few seconds for what I said to sink in. Saying the wrong thing is like accidently spitting when you talk… you didn’t mean to do it, but it happened and you can’t avoid it. All you can do is suck it up, laugh at yourself, and own up to it. Eventually someone else will say the wrong thing and your gaffe will be forgotten.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Numb Mouth

I went to the dentist today to get a cap and a filling. Fun times, I know. But he did stab me with a needle and make my mouth numb. The dental procedure went well, just a little bit longer than I would have liked. I eventually escaped the chair and have been experiencing a numb mouth for the past few hours. It makes eating more of a challenge. You have to make sure you’re not chewing on your cheeks or dribbling soup down your chin. I can’t feel my lips or my tongue and I have a slight slur to my speech. If I saw myself on the street, I would assume that I was drunk. A numb mouth is a weird sensation. I kind of like it but I’d rather be drunk.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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