Tag Archives: cut

I Cut My Finger 

I cut my finger at work last week. It wasn’t on purpose. I was cutting some limes to make mojitos and the knife slipped. I cut the tip of my left index finger. I looked down at the damage and saw that it was gushing blood. It hurt. It hurt even worse when the lime juice got into it. I don’t recommend getting citric acid into open wounds. It stings really bad. I quickly washed the cut, wrapped a paper towel around it, and slinked towards the back office to find a manager. The paper towel was completely soaked with blood through by the time I found one.

My manager gave me first aid. He cleaned out the cut better than I did. He put some antibacterial cream on it and wrapped it up with gauze. Then he told me to sit down and keep my arm raised above my head until the bleeding stopped. It took about forty-five minutes to stop. I’m glad it stopped because that meant I didn’t have to go to the hospital and get stitches. I would have gotten worker’s compensation but it would have been a huge hassle and I don’t like hassles. 

The best part about cutting your finger at work is you get a half day. I left early and went to the drugstore to get some bandaids and liquid bandage. Liquid bandage is cool. You should get it the next time you cut or nick yourself. It’s an antiseptic that acts like a second layer of skin. It’s more flexible and waterproof than a regular bandaid. 

It’s been about a week and it’s almost fully healed. It was a deep cut so it will need a few more days. I can’t wait to have use of all ten fingers again. I’m tired of being a gimp. 

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Paper Cut

A paper cut is a small cut that you get from a piece of paper. Even though they are small cuts, they are deceptively painful. You can die from them. You probably won’t, but it’s still a possibility. You could get a paper cut on a major artery and bleed out, or the paper cut could get infected, or the piece of paper could be poisoned. There are lots of ways to die from a paper cut. It’s one of the main reasons why I won’t ever work in an office. It’s too dangerous. Paper cuts have been a fixture of pop culture for decades. There was a bully character on Nickelodeon’s The Adventures of Pete & Pete named Paper Cut. His gimmick was making deadly paper weapons. There was also the infamous scene in Jackass: The Movie where Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O get self-inflicted paper cuts. It makes me cringe every time. I wouldn’t wish a paper cut upon my worst enemy.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

papercut

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Cutting In Line

Cutting in line is when you enter a line or a queue instead of waiting at the end like you’re supposed to. Nobody wants to wait in line. Waiting sucks. Cutting in line is so much more convenient. If you cut in line, you should expect other people to get pissed off. They have the right to, so you have to make it look like you’re not really cutting. There are a few tricks and techniques to avoid angering the other people waiting. I’ve discovered that coffee works really well for line cutting. If you have two or three friends waiting in line and you plan on joining them, you should bring a few cups of coffee so it looks like you were on a caffeine run for the group. Or you can pretend that you finally found a parking spot. Cutting in line is a social taboo that everyone does, but you only object to line cutters when you are behind them. You hypocrite.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

line

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Nobody Notices That You Got a Haircut

Your hair is getting long and shaggy, and it’s time for a trim. You go to the barbershop, you plop down some cash, and you leave a while later with a stylish new do. But nobody notices it. Nobody cares about it. Nobody compliments you on it. The world is indifferent. You should have saved your money and let your hair continue to grow. Don’t take it personally when nobody notices that you got a haircut. People tend not to notice minor changes in other people’s appearances. Everyone has got their own shit to deal with. Besides, you probably didn’t notice that Sarah is wearing a new shirt, and she’s crushed that you didn’t even say anything about it. You asshole.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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