Tag Archives: vomit

Hiding Puke With Newspapers

I got on the bus the other night, found an empty seat, and sat down. It only took me a few moments to realize that something was wrong. For starters, the ground around my seat was covered with newspapers. It wasn’t just a newspaper that some asshole left on the bus that happened to fall off the seat. The papers were all jumbled and spread out, they covered the entire floor. And I noticed some chunky liquid seeping up through the papers… somebody threw up and used newspaper to cover it up. I got up and found another seat, one that was puke-free. And then I saw a lady sit down in the puke seat. I should have said something to her, I could have warned her, but something told me that she deserved to sit there. Something about her demeanor lead me to believe that it was karma. She didn’t seem like a very enjoyable person. So I let her sit with her feet in a pile of puke for the duration of the ride. I got to my stop, walked by her towards the exit, told her about the vomit, and jumped off the bus while she hurriedly moved to another seat. People throw up on public transportation all the time, and hiding puke with newspapers seems like the easiest way to deal with the problem. Just cover it up and pretend like nothing happened.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants

Puddles

A puddle is a small pool of a liquid. Most of the puddles that you encounter are rain puddles. If you have babies or puppies, you are more familiar with pee puddles. If you know my friends, you are more familiar with puddles of vomit. It was fun to splash and stomp in puddles in the rain when you were a kid, but then you grew up and realized that the world is a soulless, crushing place and now splashing in puddles doesn’t do anything for you anymore. The only joy you get from puddles these days is from watching cars drive through them and soaking old ladies walking down the sidewalk. Grandma shouldn’t be walking in the rain anyway.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Beer Bongs

A beer bong is a funnel with a rubber tube attached to it. You put the tube in your mouth, you pour a beer down the funnel, and you either chug the entire beer or spill it all over your shirt. Beer bongs are a fun way to get drunk really fast, just ask any fraternity member or bro. They are a staple of college life, and they still pop up at random parties when shit is raging. I remember I once thought it would be a good idea to bring a beer bong to the beach. We killed a few beers and set the beer bong down for a few minutes to throw a football around. And then we realized that wet beer bongs are sand magnets when we started drinking again. And sand and beer are not a good combination. And throwing up sand is pretty fucking painful. And chicks aren’t impressed with sandy vomit. I learned my lesson. Now I keep my beer bongs confined to house parties. Chicks are okay with regular vomit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Drinks

Knowing You’re About to Throw Up

You’re waking up the morning after a long night of drinking and you know that something’s not right. Your head is pounding, your stomach is hurting, and your mouth is salivating excessively. You, my friend, are about to throw up. You better hope nobody is using the bathroom because you’re going to spew your guts out any second now. Excessive saliva is the most obvious warning sign. If your mouth starts watering and you have to spit every five seconds then you know that you’re about to yak. Your biggest concern now is just getting to the toilet before you erupt. Knowing you’re about to throw up is a terrible feeling, but at least you have some form of an early warning system to prevent you from puking all over yourself.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants