Tag Archives: holidays

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve in the night before Christmas. It’s the longest night of the year when you’re a kid. It’s the ultimate deadline for buying presents when you’re an adult. Christmas Eve is the night that Santa flies around delivering presents to Christian kids with chimneys. It’s the night when families go on walks to look at houses more festive then theirs. It’s the night when bored twenty-somethings flee the house and find refuge in hometown bars. It’s the night when lonely people stand anxiously under mistletoe. It’s the final night to sing carols and watch holiday movies and drink eggnog because you’ll be too burnt out on the season to celebrate the next night. Christmas Eve is the peak evening for Christmas. Everybody knows that Christmas interest starts to wane after opening presents on Christmas morning. It’s a fact. I read it on Wikipedia. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals… and a happy New Year.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Christmas-Eve

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Christmas Tree

A Christmas tree is a tree that you decorate and place Christmas gifts under. It’s the best way to honor baby Jesus. Some Christmas trees are real, some Christmas trees are fake, and sometimes they are called Xmas trees. In the old days you would go out into the woods and chop down a tree. Then people started buying them at designated Christmas tree lots. Now you can just take them out of the box and assemble them in your living room in only a few minutes. You decorate them with ornaments, lights, tinsel, popcorn chains, and top it off with an angel or a star. You put presents underneath the tree and hope that the dog/cat doesn’t piss all over everything. And no matter what your Jewish friend tells you, there is no such thing as a Hanukkah tree. They get a menorah.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Orphan Thanksgiving

An Orphan Thanksgiving is a thanksgiving without family. It’s not as sad as it sounds. It’s when you celebrate Thanksgiving with friends rather than family. It’s either out of choice or necessity, but it’s never a bad thing. In fact, it’s often more fun than spending the holiday with family. Quality time with family is good, but it’s less responsibility and less hassle dealing with friends. And your family feels obligated to take you in, so you feel more included when someone goes out of their way to invite you to a holiday meal. Family is important, but friendship is too. You get to choose your friends; you don’t get to choose your family. (Don’t get me wrong, I love my family but I love my friends too, and friends deserve a holiday of their own!)

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Vanishing Art of Home Cooking

The holidays are coming up, a time where fat Americans get even fatter from all the feasts. That’s when moms and grandmas bust out their greatest family recipes that have been handed down for generations. Your great-grandma learned how to cook from her mom and she passed it on to your grandma. Your grandma passed it onto your mom. And your mom passed it on to nobody, because nobody in our generation knows how to cook anymore. That’s a bit of an overstatement: I know a lot of good cooks my age, I’m only being dramatic to emphasize my point, and my point is that home cooking is becoming a lost art. Most American men under the age of thirty-five only know how to grill. If it doesn’t involve fire, they aren’t interested. Most American women under the age of thirty-five can cook a few dishes, but they don’t have the same culinary prowess as their mothers or grandmothers. That’s not sexist, that’s a fact. My friend Jayde told me that, and she’s a girl, so I know it’s not sexist. Just ask Jayde. She’ll tell you. She’s the one who told me to write about this, so I know she has my back. Enjoy Thanksgiving while you can because it might go extinct.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Christmas

It’s Christmas day, the pinnacle of the Holiday season. Everyday since Halloween has building up for this 24-hour period of food, gifts, and family fights. Hanukah and Kwanzaa are ok, but everyone knows that Christmas is the star of the show. It’s the fake birthday of our favorite bastard. And since he’s not around anymore, we get to open his presents for him. There are a lot of traditions and customs around the world. Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle and St. Nick are a bunch of creepy old men that give goodies to little kids in the middle of the night. People used to take living trees and display them inside. They gradually decided that it was weird, so they started using fake plastic trees instead. People stand around in groups in the freezing cold, loudly singing songs about silent nights.

Christmas is overhyped. It’s lost all value as a holiday. It’s the poster child for consumerism and gluttony, but masked with bright lights and fake snow to make it presentable. It’s still a great day to spend with friends and family, but the magic of the holiday has been slowly draining away ever since you found out that Santa’s not real, he’s just a mascot for the Coca-Cola Company. But everything is full of shit when you analyze it, and Christmas is still my favorite holiday.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ugly Christmas Sweaters

People have been receiving ugly Christmas sweaters from their grandmas for years. They were gaudy, tacky, horrible looking things that you luckily only had to wear once before you could hide it in the back of your closet. But somewhere along the way some enterprising party animal decided that an ugly Christmas sweater should be something to embrace instead of embarrassed of. Not much is known about the first ugly Christmas sweater party, except that there was eggnog, fruitcake, and a sexy incident involving mistletoe and reindeer antlers. The party was a rousing success, and ugly Christmas sweater parties soon became a staple of the holiday season. There’s food and drinks and everyone looks terrible. It’s good times. If you have to borrow an ugly sweater from someone, I would advise you to tell them that it’s just a regular Christmas sweater party.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Holiday Lights

When I was a kid, Holiday lights were known as “Christmas lights.” They were for Christmas and everyone knew it. My sisters and I would help our parents string up the lights around the front of our house. We usually waited until December to put them up, and we never put them up before Thanksgiving. Lights used to come in multiple colors. They were red, green, orange, yellow and blue, and the really fancy lights blinked on and off. And if one bulb burned out, then so would all the others. You would have to search for the broken out bulb, checking all the bulbs one at a time until you found the culprit and replaced it. Those were Christmas lights. Now they are all Holiday lights. Holiday lights are typically white lights that are supposed to mimic icicles. But they don’t look like icicles. At all. They look like daggers of white light stabbing my precious childhood memories. Holiday lights might look festive, but I miss Christmas lights.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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