Tag Archives: blood

My Facial Cyst

So a few months ago I noticed a bump on my cheek that looked like a big zit. I tried to pop it unsuccessfully a few times, I tried different types of pimple cream, and I slowly realized that it wasn’t going away. Plus a lot of people were asking me what was wrong with my face. So I finally caved and did the smart thing and called a dermatologist. I made an appointment, hung out in the waiting room, and then got summoned to his office. He took one look at my cheek and said it was a sebaceous cyst, and that he would remove it for me. I laid back, he put some anesthetic on my face and he popped that fucker. I feel the pressure instantly dissipate as the pus and blood drained from my cheek. That part was oddly satisfying. Then he had to scrape out the cystic sack so that it wouldn’t fill up again. That part sucked. He pushed and squeezed on my face while poking and prodding and cutting away the cystic sack. It was painfully uncomfortable. But the whole procedure only took about fifteen minutes, and it was over fairly quickly. He called in his nurse/assistant lady and told her that it was the largest facial cyst that he’s ever removed. I actually felt kind of proud of that fact… this is a 60-year-old doctor with over thirty years of experience in a major US city, and my facial cyst was a milestone in his career. I’ll be talked about at boring staff Christmas parties thrown at his office for the next several years. He got a story, and I got my face back. Fair trade.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Dental Abscess

I am fortunate enough to be suffering from a dental abscess right now. That means that I look like a fucking chipmunk, but my cheek is bulging with pus and blood as opposed to acorns. I spent a few days wearing hoodies and hoping that it would go away. It didn’t. It got bigger and more obvious. It looked like I got in a fight and lost. I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I took the day off and went to the Emergency Room. Fuck Disneyland, the Emergency Room is the happiest place on Earth.  It’s full of sick, hurt and suffering people and the wait time is longer than the DMV.

My name was finally called and they took me into a small room and gave me an IV, some antibiotics and some morphine. I really liked the morphine. They left me alone for 45 minutes as the IV did its thing and I watched a movie on my iPhone. Then the doctor put a small slit in my mouth and started to squeeze the abscess like it was a glorified pimple. The nurse had a little clear vacuum that she used to suck up an obscene amount of pus and blood. It’s amazing how disgusting the human body can be. The procedure was pretty painless. The only downside is that I can’t drink alcohol for a few days. That hurts more than the abscess.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Random Bloody Nose

Scientists can’t accurately predict earthquakes, and they often strike without warning and with devastating consequences. One of the few things worse than an experiencing an earthquake is experiencing a random bloody nose. You might be in the middle of a presentation, or stuck in traffic, or possibly on a date, when suddenly your nose feels slightly runny and you casually brush your nose with your hand and glance at your finger and see crimson. Your nose is bleeding and you don’t know why. And you’re totally unprepared without a tissue or a napkin or anything to stop the blood from leaking from your schnoz.

And people see you. And they think it’s weird that you have a random bloody nose. They assume you enjoy the smell of cocaine a bit too much. Maybe they think you can’t stop digging for gold. Either way you are blacklisted.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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