Tag Archives: pop

A Pimple You Can’t Pop

I have a pimple on my nose. I know it’s on the left nostril. I can feel it. There’s pressure. There’s a little bump. But I can’t pop it. And it’s starting to drive me crazy. It’s been there for a couple of days now. It’s not noticeable. I can’t see it. But it’s there and it seems to be settling in and making itself comfortable. It might be there for a while. I don’t like pimples you can’t pop. Popping pimples is the best part about having pimples. Some would argue that it’s the only redeeming factor of pimples. You get immense satisfaction from popping pimples. A pimple you can’t pop is a pimple you don’t want. I’m sure dermatologists would advise you against popping pimples, but that’s only because they pop pimples for a living and want the glory for themselves.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Popping Champagne

Popping champagne almost always signifies a celebration. You crack a beer at the end of a long day; you pop champagne to commemorate a special occasion. You pop champagne when you get engaged, married, win a championship, or bring in the New Year. You pop the cork and spray the crowd if you really want to get rowdy. Champagne is fizzy, it’s happy. It’s not something that you drown your sorrows in.

Whoever buys the bottle of champagne has the honor of popping it. It might be intimidating at first, but confidence is always the key. Grab the neck of the bottle firmly and use your thumbs to slowly push up the cork. Make sure you’re not aiming at anybody’s face (nobody deserves to die like that). Try to aim the cork at something in specific, like at a tile in the ceiling or on top of an awning. The most important thing about buying a bottle of champagne is letting everybody know that you were the one who bought the bottle of champagne. It’s not worth it if you don’t get credit for it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Vimto (soda)

I made another trip to the corner store with obscure food items and found another British soda that I’ve never heard of. This one is called Vimto. It’s a Fizzy mixed fruit juice drink made with the delicious secret Vimto flavour. To get into specifics, the fruit juices include grape, blackcurrant, and raspberry and the Vimto flavouring includes natural extracts of fruits, herbs, barley malt, and spices. That seems like an interesting medley for a carbonated soft drink. It has a purple colour and a good amount of fizzy bubbles, and it looks like a fun soda. It tastes like a fun soda too. It’s crisp, fruity, light, and refreshing. I think it’s my favourite of the three British sodas I’ve tried in the past week or so. I might even cross the pond to get it again.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tizer (soda)

There are a few liquor/corner stores around my house, and one of them always has obscure stuff for sale. Like Tizer, “the Great British Pop.” I’ve never seen it before, I’ve never heard of it before, but it’s only 49 pence for 330ml or $1.29 for 11.1586oz. The can is mostly red with a few swirls of green and yellow. The soda itself is red, it looks kind of like a Shirley Temple. It doesn’t say what kind of soda it is and I can’t decide what it’s trying to taste like. The can says that it’s a sparkling mixed flavour soft drink with sugar & sweetener. It’s a pretty fitting description of it. There’s citrus, there’s a vague fruitiness, and it’s kind of sweet. It’s a soda and sodas are good.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Virgil’s Black Cherry Cream Soda

When it comes to sodas, colas are king. But there are lots of different flavors and varieties of pop, and black cherry cream soda is one of them. It’s a pretty neglected flavor. You won’t find too many people asking for a black cherry cream soda when they order at a restaurant. I was lucky enough to spot this soda at my corner store, so I bought a few bottles. It was too intriguing not to. Virgil’s Black Cherry Cream Soda is a classic cream soda recipe made with naturally using the finest cherry flavor, vanilla beans and unrefined sugar cane. We searched the world for the perfect black cherry cream taste. We hope you will find this to be the best black cherry cream soda you have ever tasted. Well Virgil, you should be pleased to know that I agree with you, this is the best black cherry cream soda that I’ve ever tasted. Let me just take another sip to confirm that. Here we go. Mmmmm. Mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm. Yup. Without a doubt, this is the best black cherry cream soda that I’ve ever tasted. Good job, Virgil.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pepsi

Pepsi is an American cola that tries (and fails) to compete with Coca-Cola. It’s sweeter and less bitter than Coke, and you can tell the difference between the two if you ever do a blind taste test. It’s not a bad cola, it’s just not Coke. It tries to be hip and cool and more youth-orientated, but it’s been around since 1893 so they can’t keep pretending to be the new guy on the block. Anyway, there are two types of people in the world: Coke people and Pepsi people. Coca-Cola is the number one soda for a reason: it’s better. Pepsi just kind of exists as an alternative. It’s an inferior product for people who want to rebel against the status quo. Hipsters drink Pepsi and nobody wants to be a hipster. I’m not going to judge you if you prefer Pepsi over Coke, but I’ll know that I don’t want to be your friend.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Facial Cyst

So a few months ago I noticed a bump on my cheek that looked like a big zit. I tried to pop it unsuccessfully a few times, I tried different types of pimple cream, and I slowly realized that it wasn’t going away. Plus a lot of people were asking me what was wrong with my face. So I finally caved and did the smart thing and called a dermatologist. I made an appointment, hung out in the waiting room, and then got summoned to his office. He took one look at my cheek and said it was a sebaceous cyst, and that he would remove it for me. I laid back, he put some anesthetic on my face and he popped that fucker. I feel the pressure instantly dissipate as the pus and blood drained from my cheek. That part was oddly satisfying. Then he had to scrape out the cystic sack so that it wouldn’t fill up again. That part sucked. He pushed and squeezed on my face while poking and prodding and cutting away the cystic sack. It was painfully uncomfortable. But the whole procedure only took about fifteen minutes, and it was over fairly quickly. He called in his nurse/assistant lady and told her that it was the largest facial cyst that he’s ever removed. I actually felt kind of proud of that fact… this is a 60-year-old doctor with over thirty years of experience in a major US city, and my facial cyst was a milestone in his career. I’ll be talked about at boring staff Christmas parties thrown at his office for the next several years. He got a story, and I got my face back. Fair trade.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Flat Soda

One of the best things about soda is that it’s carbonated. Bubbles are fun. There’s no denying that. They add pop and fizz and make the soda more enjoyable. And that’s why I can’t enjoy a flat soda. I had an opened 2 liter bottle of Coke in the fridge that I ignored for a few days too long. Now there’s no more carbonation. There’s no life to it. It’s still cold so I’ll drink it. But I’m going to grumble and complain and not enjoy it at all. If it was warm I’d pour it out. Warm flat soda tastes like piss. Bubbles are one of the best things about soda and you don’t realize how much they mean to you until they are gone. Bubbles or bust.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bubble Wrap

Bubble wrap might be a mere packaging product for some boring people, but it’s utter bliss for most of the population. I make a direct beeline whenever I see those little plastic bubbles in a UPS box from across the room. I’ll just pick it up and start squeezing. If I’m feeling particularly rambunctious I might spread it out on the floor and stomp on it. I’ll pop each and every last bubble on the sheet and then look for some more. It therapeutic beyond description. If you hear someone else popping bubble wrap you can’t help but join in. It’s like stomping in puddles. You’re suddenly young again. There is such a thing as bad bubble wrap. It might protect and cushion a fragile object in transit, but it won’t make an audible pop when you pop it. And if it doesn’t pop right than it’s not the real deal. Accept no substitutes. Burst the real wrap or bust.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Dental Abscess

I am fortunate enough to be suffering from a dental abscess right now. That means that I look like a fucking chipmunk, but my cheek is bulging with pus and blood as opposed to acorns. I spent a few days wearing hoodies and hoping that it would go away. It didn’t. It got bigger and more obvious. It looked like I got in a fight and lost. I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I took the day off and went to the Emergency Room. Fuck Disneyland, the Emergency Room is the happiest place on Earth.  It’s full of sick, hurt and suffering people and the wait time is longer than the DMV.

My name was finally called and they took me into a small room and gave me an IV, some antibiotics and some morphine. I really liked the morphine. They left me alone for 45 minutes as the IV did its thing and I watched a movie on my iPhone. Then the doctor put a small slit in my mouth and started to squeeze the abscess like it was a glorified pimple. The nurse had a little clear vacuum that she used to suck up an obscene amount of pus and blood. It’s amazing how disgusting the human body can be. The procedure was pretty painless. The only downside is that I can’t drink alcohol for a few days. That hurts more than the abscess.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Pimple

You wake up feeling refreshed and ready to carpe that diem. It’s a great day and you feel great. Until you glance in the mirror and see a pimple. It’s an obvious one too. Pimples suck. And why the hell am I still getting them? I’ve been in my twenties for a while now; I don’t want to look like an awkward teen again. You can either pop it or let it be. Both options still draw attention to your face. Popping pimples is oddly satisfying for some reason. It’s kind of fun to kill a pimple. But I still prefer clear skin.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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