Tag Archives: crowd

March 25, 2018 · 6:47 pm

My Safety Noodle

In 2015 my sister made a few totems out of pool noodles to use at Outside Lands. She took a couple of pool noodles, added some ribbons at the top to make them distinctive, and bought some glow sticks to attach at night. Those totems served our group well, uniting us between different sets throughout the weekend. When the festival ended, I took one of the totems home.

Outside Lands 2016 rolled around and the totem came out of retirement. He even got an upgrade when one of our friends wrapped a battery powered LED light strip around it. The totem became an essential part of our Outside Lands experience. I liked to carry it. It was my safety noodle. I always knew where I was in a sea of people.

The safety noodle returned for his third Outside Lands in 2017. That’s impressive. My sister, the creator, added an inflatable unicorn to the top because the third anniversary is the unicorn anniversary. The unicorn turned my safety noodle into a celebrity. Random festival goers would take pictures of it and use it as a beacon to find their own friends.

Unfortunately the third year of Outside Lands took a toll on it. The LED lights got a little faulty. He also got a little bent from the extra weight from the unicorn. Pool noodles are not designed to deal with that kind of stress. I’m not sure if he will be able to survive Outside Lands 2018. He will make an appearance. I owe him that. But I don’t see him making it through another crazy weekend of debauchery. I want him to go out on his own terms and (other than the inside of my closet) Outside Lands is all he knows.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 20, 2013 · 10:13 am

A Group of Waldos

I did Bay to Breakers the other day (I didn’t run it, I stumbled it). If you don’t know, B2B is a famous San Francisco footrace where everyone dresses up and gets drunk in public. You see lots of people wearing clever costumes and you also see a lot of terrible ones. Nothing is more terrible than a group of Waldos. I saw about seven or eight groups dressed up like the titular character from Where’s Waldo?, and each time I would get increasingly mad. The whole point of Where’s Waldo? is to find Waldo, which is hard because there’s only one Waldo. It defeats the purpose if there is more than one. There should only be one Waldo in the crowd, not five fucking Waldos standing right next to each other. Group Waldos should be banned. It’s not original, it’s not smart, and it needs to stop. So the next time Halloween or Bay to Breakers rolls around and someone suggests that you all dress up as Waldo, you should suggest that they go fuck themselves.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 11, 2013 · 10:38 am

Make Friends with the People Around You

It’s important to make friends with the people around you whenever you go to a concert or a sporting event or another similar event with a large crowd. You don’t have to ask their names, or what high school they went to, or add them on Facebook… you just have to make some small talk and exchange pleasantries. This way they are more forgiving each time they have to stand up to make room for you when you go get food or go to the bathroom. And they are more willing to look the other way as you pour your smuggled liquor into a Coke cup and pass it around your group. And plus events are more fun with friendly people around you. I was at a Giants game the other night and I overheard a little old lady telling her family that it was her first game of her life. I turned around and told her that she’s going to see something amazing. Sure enough, Buster Posey hit a home run and she turned into a schoolgirl and giddily told me that her last name was Posey too. Seeing the joy on her face turned a typical home run into a memorable one. We lost the game but that little old lady made my night. That’s why I make nice with the people around me. It makes being stuck in a crowd more bearable. Swapping stories and practicing common courtesy with your temporary neighbors goes a long way. For some reason, social events are more fun with a little social interaction.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 13, 2013 · 10:38 am

Karaoke

Karaoke is an ancient Japanese word that means amateur singing fueled by alcohol. It’s a great way to embarrass yourself or delude yourself into thinking you’re a rock star. You go into a karaoke bar, you choose a random song, the DJ calls your name, the music starts, the lyrics show up on a TV screen, and you stumble your way through it. People either cheer you or jeer you. You should be too fucked up to know either way. You have to choose a song that you know all the words to and something that’s fun to sing… that’s why you hear so many songs by Journey and Queen. It’s not karaoke until someone belts out Don’t Stop Believin’ or Bohemian Rhapsody. Some people take karaoke way too seriously. Those people are losers. Karaoke is supposed to be fun and freeing, like singing in the shower (only fully clothed and less damp). You haven’t truly lived until you’ve sung a song in front of a group of strangers. Get on it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 29, 2013 · 9:57 am

Goose Hands

Last August I went to the Outside Lands Music and Arts Festival in San Francisco. There were a lot of bands, a few different stages, and thousands and thousands of people walking around. Anyone who has ever been to a festival can attest to how easy it is to lose your friends in the crowd. You look away for a second and they’re gone. Some people carry around sticks, poles, flags or balloons so that their friends can spot them amongst the sea of people. That’s a good idea, but it’s kind of cumbersome to walk around with a ten foot pole. Goose hands are the best alternative to lugging a flag around all day. Then next time someone gets separated from the group, tell them your general vicinity and to look out for the goose hands. Form a good old fashioned duck shadow puppet with your hand, then elevate it over your head and make it quack. Get a few friends to do it too, and the missing member of your group will be able to find you without any problem. It’s a great way to locate your group or guide your lost friend back to your spot. It’s easier to push your way through a crowd if you know where you’re going. Goose hands… try them at your next concert. It will change your life.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 27, 2012 · 9:57 am

Wearing a Backpack in a Crowded Area

A backpack is a great way to bring a bunch of shit with you. It stays on your shoulders and back so you have your hands free to eat a muffin and use your phone. A lot of people have backpacks and a lot of people forget to take them off around other people. They take up twice as much space and don’t realize it. Wearing a backpack in a crowded area is a great way to make enemies. People seem to forget that they are wearing them and they constantly bump into people and knock things over. They are completely oblivious to how annoying and intrusive a bulging backpack can be. Be respectful and courteous to other people and take off your backpack, especially at a concert or on a crowded bus. Or I’ll punch you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 14, 2012 · 9:07 am

Using a Blanket to Mark Your Turf

If you’ve ever gone to an outdoor concert or festival, you’ve probably noticed a few groups that bring in beach towels or blankets to sit on. They stake out a spot where they can spread out their blanket, and that little plot of land becomes their territory. If you bring a towel you have a spot to lay down between sets, you have a place to leave your bags, you have a set meeting spot (I’ll meet you at the blanket). This is all perfectly acceptable behavior as long as there’s no music and you’re not too close to the stage. But if everyone around you is standing and/or moving to the beat and your ass is still parked on your blanket, it might be time to stand up and pack up your shit. There’s no point in bitching at a steady stream of strangers for stepping on your precious blanket. Yes, it is rude to step on someone’s personal belongings. But it’s also rude to claim ownership over public property by spreading out a blanket when everyone else is crammed together. Using a blanket to mark your turf is a smart idea, but you can’t be selfish about it. Drunk, stoned, and fucked up people have a right to dance and walk around during a set without worrying about stepping into your personal space. If you don’t like crowds, you shouldn’t be at a concert. That’s why they invented personal music players.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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