Tag Archives: feet

Pigeon Feet

Pigeons are disgusting city creatures. They are the sewer rats of the avian world. They live in the dirtiest parts of downtown and feast on the remnants of our garbage. And they have fucked up feet. Pigeon feet are a treasure trove of gnarled toes and mangled stumps. I don’t know if fucked up pigeon feet are genetic or simply a result of life on the street, but I see a lot of pigeons with fucked up feet. There are a lot of other city birds that eat our trash. Seagulls, crows, ravens all rely on dirty humans for survival. They don’t have fucked up feet. It seems like strictly a pigeon thing. The next time you see a pigeon, look at its feet. Be prepared to lose your appetite.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Picking Things Up With Your Toes

Picking things up with your toes is a useful skill. It’s perfect for when you drop a small object while you’re barefoot and you’re too lazy to lean over to pick it up. You’ll be able to recover a dropped fork without crawling under the table. It might not be hygienic, but it gets the job done. You should practice picking things up with your feet. Start with a pen or keys and work your way up to larger objects like cell phones. Once you’re skilled enough, you’ll be able to able to feed grapes to your lover with your hands tied behind your back. The ability to pick things up with your toes is proof that we evolved from monkeys. It’s in our DNA. It’s a skill that we need to bring back.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Foot Fetish

Do you like feet? Do you think they are sexy? Do they make you hard? Do they make you wet? Do you enjoy sucking on toes? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you probably have a foot fetish. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just not normal and people think that you are weird. There are lots of successful people that have a sexual fascination with feet, but Quentin Tarantino is the only one who comes to mind. Watch any of his films and it’s quite apparent that he has a minor obsession with feet (especially Uma Thurman’s gigantic feet). I think that we should stop calling it a foot fetish and start calling it a feetish. That combines two words into one word, and it has the added bonus of being a pun. Plus it’s fun to say. Feetish. Simply delightful.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tinactin Antifungal Deodorant Powder Spray

It seems that most people who want to practice good hygiene only use deodorant for their armpits, despite the fact that we sweat all over. Most people neglect their sweaty feet. Maybe they forget about them because they are crammed into shoes and socks all day, so you don’t catch an accidental whiff of your body odor while performing some random activity. I’m a server/bartender so I’m on my feet all damn day, running around in circles for the duration of my shift. I started getting athlete’s foot so I got some Tinactin deodorant spray. It kills odors and helps cure and prevent athlete’s foot. Now I don’t have to be ashamed to take off my shoes in the break room. Nobody wants to smell bad, and Tinactin will make your feet less stinky. Everybody wins. Now if only there was some way to keep my balls from sweating…

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A New Pair of Socks

You walk around all day and your feet suffer as a result. You can get expensive shoes or gel insoles, but sometimes a new pair of socks will make all the difference. Fresh new socks are like sticking your feet into a cloud. Your feet feel fluffy and free. New socks make you want to burn your old ones. But you don’t because your new socks will turn into old socks someday and the beauty of that realization makes you respect the old socks because they were once new socks. New socks are still better though.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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