Monthly Archives: August 2013

August 23, 2013 · 10:31 am

Martinelli’s Sparkling Prickly Passion Lemonade

Martinelli’s is mostly known for their line of non-alcoholic sparkling ciders. You mostly see Martinelli’s around the holidays. The adults get wine and champagne; the kids get Martinelli’s. But they make other products too, and Sparkling Prickly Passion Lemonade is one of them. It’s a blend of filtered water, sugar, lemon, passion fruit, raspberry & prickly pear juices from concentrate. It’s all-natural and lightly carbonated. It reminds me of San Pellegrino, but with a less intense flavor. I got it because I was intrigued by the prickly pear. You don’t see that many beverages that include prickly pear juice. It kind of gets lost because of all the other fruit juices, but I think I could taste it and I think that I like it. I would get Martinelli’s Sparkling Prickly Passion Lemonade again, but it’s kind of hard to find and I’m not going to go searching for it. If I see it again, I’ll grab a few and hoard them.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 22, 2013 · 8:33 am

Setting Your Alarm for the Wrong Time

I don’t have a fixed schedule, so my wakeup times are always changing. Some days I can sleep in, some days I have to wake up at 9:30, other days at 8:15, and sometimes I’ll set my alarm for 9:00. There’s a danger in having so many different wakeup times… sometimes I’ll set the alarm for the wrong time. It’s not that bad if I wake up early, but it sucks if I set it for a later time. Then I might as well have not even set it in the first place. I still woke up late and I’m still fucked. The worst thing is that I didn’t forget to set it. I just didn’t do it right. I failed. Because I’m an idiot. Setting your alarm for the wrong time is one of those stupid things that everyone does at least once in their lifetime. Too bad your boss won’t accept it as a valid excuse for being late.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 22, 2013 · 8:30 am

Googling Yourself

Googling yourself is when you go to Google.com and search for your name. You’ll end up finding some random shit of yours that you totally forgot about, like crappy poetry about high school from your LiveJournal days or photos from your abandoned MySpace account. You’ll also discover that a lot of people share the same name as you, and most of those people seem to have a better life than you. Everyone Googles themself at some point and you have to use Google to do it. You never hear anyone say that they Binged themself or Lycosed themself. That’s just absurd. It’s Google or bust. So Google yourself and see what your name means to the world. If you can’t find anything of you or about you, that means that you don’t contribute to the Internet much. If you died tomorrow, you would be forgotten. And nobody will go to your funeral. But on the bright side, your eulogy will probably show up on Google.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 21, 2013 · 8:32 am

Holes (book)

Holes is a book written by Louis Sachar, the renowned children’s book author. One of the reasons why he is so renowned is because he doesn’t talk down to children. He writes books that are easy to read, but still deep in meaning. Holes just might be his masterpiece.

Simply put, the novel is about an unlucky kid named Stanley Yelnats who is wrongfully accused of a crime that he didn’t commit, and he is sentenced to eighteen months at a detention center where he must dig a hole each day. He’s told that digging holes builds character, but there’s a hidden agenda behind the holes. It’s not surprising that a story about holes could be so deep. This is a story about fate, of luck, of destiny and defeat, where the past and the present collide, and the reader stay riveted throughout.

Good books rely on metaphors and symbolism to tell amazing stories. Everything about Holes has an underlying layer to what’s presented on the surface. It’s like an onion. There’s more than meets the eye. Everything is presented for a reason, everything has a purpose, and everything has more than one meaning. All the characters have names that match their personalities. Everything that Louis Sachar writes is intentional and nothing is coincidental. Holes is the perfect example of what a literary genius is capable of. Read it. Read it now. Read it again if you’ve already read it. And appreciate it.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 21, 2013 · 8:29 am

Using the Toilet at Work

Using the toilet at work is always a bit of a conundrum. Each workplace has an unwritten code for its usage. Most of the rules are similar: don’t hog the bathroom for more than five minutes, try to avoid taking a shit if you can, and never pee on the seat (or wipe it off if you do). I work at a restaurant and we have a public restroom for men, a public restroom for women, and a bathroom by the break room for the staff. We essentially have one toilet for over fifty employees at any given point. It’s constantly in use. There’s almost always a line. Sometimes I’ll use the bathroom just because it’s unoccupied. I won’t even have to go, but I can’t pass up the opportunity. I’ll use it just because I can. Carpe Pee-um and all that. The most important thing about using the toilet at work is remembering to wash your hands before you go back to work. Especially if your boss is watching.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 20, 2013 · 1:22 pm

Losing a Quarter to a Machine

Losing a quarter is not a big deal. It happens all the time. It will fall out of your pocket, you might accidently drop it on the ground, sometimes you give them away to bums without realizing it. But losing a quarter to a machine is enough to ruin your day. Sometimes you’ll go down to the Laundromat and choose a faulty washer that eats your coins. Then you have to beg for change from the other patrons. Sometimes the parking meter refuses to acknowledge the quarter you just fed it. Sometimes the vending machine will malfunction and refuse to give you a snack. Losing a quarter to a machine means that Skynet is winning, and the future is going to be a bleak one. You are funding Judgment Day each time you lose a quarter to a machine. It starts by stealing quarters and it ends with the mass genocide of mankind. Tread lightly.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 20, 2013 · 12:50 pm

Diet Coke with Lime

Diet Coke with Lime is Diet Coca-Cola with lime flavor added to it. I’m not a big fan of diet sodas, but this one is pretty decent. It’s smooth and drinkable and doesn’t have much of an aftertaste. The lime flavor adds a nice, refreshing twist. It makes you wonder why they still haven’t released regular Coke with Lime. That would be even better. And it doesn’t make sense to have a diet alternative to a soda that doesn’t exist. All in all, Diet Coke with Lime is a solid zero-calorie soda that tastes better than regular Diet Coke because it has a citric zest and a less noticeable aftertaste. If I was stuck on an island and had a choice between Diet Coke, Diet Coke with Lime, and a coconut, I would probably choose the Diet Coke with Lime 99% of the time. Every once in a while I would take the coconut.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 19, 2013 · 9:57 am

Make Your Escape

You’re partying and drinking with your friends and you’re having the time of your life until you look at the clock and notice the time. You have to wake up early tomorrow for work, and you know that you have to leave soon. Having fun is awesome but you still have to be responsible, and sometimes that results in a self-enforced bedtime and leaving the party early. But you can’t just leave. You need to have an evacuation plan. You don’t want to draw attention to the fact that you’re leaving, because you don’t want to be a party pooper. There are a few ways to make your escape. You can silently ninja-slip out without saying any goodbyes. You can pretend like you’re going out for a phone call and that you’ll be right back, and then you run away. Or you can wait for the mass exodus, when a cluster of three or more people leaves at the same time. Then you can say your goodbyes and still leave without causing a fuss. You should always be prepared and know how and when to make your escape. When you see your opportunity, you gotta take it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 19, 2013 · 9:53 am

Chex Mix Bold Party Blend

Chex Mix Bold Party Blend is a more courageous version of Chex Mix Traditional Party Blend. You get pieces of Chex cereal, pretzels, bread sticks and rye chips infused with the taste of Worcestershire sauce. The Worcestershire sauce makes it bold. It’s the perfect snack when you get attacked by the munchies. It’s very versatile. You can grab a handful and eat them one piece at a time, or you can savagely shove it all in your mouth. It will leave flavor residue on your fingers, but it still has a nice crunch to it. It’s not junk food if it’s not salty and crunchy. I also have to mention that the food scientists at General Mills did a great job with their preservatives. I opened this bag a few days ago and it still tastes fresh. I didn’t even use a chip clip. Kudos to you.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 18, 2013 · 3:46 pm

use punctuation

its hard to read simple sentences and paragraphs if you dont use any punctuation or capitalization unfortunately some people have missed the memo if you go on facebook right now youll probably see half a dozen statuses clogging up your newsfeed that are incoherent and almost impossible to read the words and sentences get all jumbled together and you have no idea what that dumbass is saying i dont even know how its possible to avoid capitalizing letters and using apostrophes and periods we live in an age of autocorrect i physically have to go back and delete the apostrophes from words like dont and cant because the computer fixes your mistakes so you dont look like an idiot but you seem to have your heart set on being stupid if you cant express yourself in a comprehensive way then maybe you should shut the fuck up and keep your sloppy status updates to yourself punctuation is important so fucking use it.

critically rated at 4/17

written rated and reviewed by brendan h young

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August 18, 2013 · 2:58 pm

The Five-Dollar Handshake

The five-dollar handshake is a server’s worst nightmare. You’ll be waiting a table, and everything seems to be going smoothly. The table ordered drinks, appetizers, a couple of entrees, and everything came out on time and tasted great. But then everything changes when you drop the check. The head honcho at the table glances at the bill, opens his wallet, pulls out some cash and places it inside. Then he gets up from the table to hand it to you personally, asks for your name while he shakes your hand, then tells you that you did a great job and to keep the change. You thank him profusely and walk back to the kitchen. But when you go to close the check you realize that he only tipped you five bucks on a $150 check. Congratulations, you were just a victim of the five-dollar handshake. You should expect a five-dollar tip anytime a customer shakes your hand, looks you in the eyes and tells you that you did a great job. I don’t know if the practitioners of the five-dollar handshake are just cheap or ignorant, but they should be weary of getting hit by the karma bus.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 17, 2013 · 9:30 am

Squeaky Shoes

You’re getting ready to go out and you’re throwing together an outfit, and you bust out a pair of shoes that were buried in the back of your closet. They look clean, they fit perfectly, and you can’t remember why you stashed them away. You put them on and they compliment your attire perfectly, so you head out the door for a night on the town. Somewhere in between bars, you’ll notice an odd squeaking sound that’s following you. And you’ll eventually realize that the sound is coming from your feet and that you’re wearing squeaky shoes. That’s why you ditched them in the closet in the first place. Squeaky shoes are embarrassing. Each step is a reminder that your kicks are wrong. You won’t notice the noise at first, but you can’t ignore it once you’ve heard it. There’s not much that you can do with squeaky shoes. You can try tying the laces tighter, you can try wearing thicker socks, or you can try going to louder places where nobody can hear your footwear. But you can never hide from the truth. Your shoes squeak and you are a lesser person because of them.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 17, 2013 · 9:26 am

Clogged Toilet

I woke up this morning and took a nice, leisurely poop. That’s right, I took a shit and I took my time with it. I was in no rush. I sat on the pot and emptied my bowels for a good ten minutes. And then I stood up a few pounds lighter, wiped my ass, and flushed the toilet. And instantly started panicking because the water started to rise. No zombie or movie monster will ever equal the amount of dread that a clogged toilet provides. You start to see the rising muddy poo water reaching the edge of the bowl and you have to fight the instinct to push it down with your bare hands. Plungers are useless when the water starts to rise. All you can do is curse and swear and pray that it doesn’t overflow and create a fecal flood in the bathroom. You’ll be fine as long as the toilet water doesn’t spill over, but your social life can end with one unfortunate flush. So be cautious where and when you defecate, and try to avoid broken and clogged toilets.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 16, 2013 · 9:57 am

Packing Your Bag For A Festival

Last week I went to the Outside Lands festival in San Francisco. It was my fifth time in six years, so I knew what to expect and I came prepared. Packing your bag for a festival is an extremely vital step for an enjoyable weekend. The more supplied you are, the better the festival will be. Start by getting a decent sized backpack with a few different compartments. The biggest compartment is reserved for a beach towel or blanket to mark your spot, and it’s a good idea to throw in an extra jacket or hoodie in case it gets cold. The middle compartment is for food and drinks. And the smallest compartment is for small accessories like hand sanitizer and deodorant. Hand sanitizer goes a long way, especially at outdoor festivals that have a bunch of portapotties but no place to wash your hands. And deodorant is always nice to have, especially after hours of dancing and walking and baking underneath the hot sun. Sometimes I even include a small first aid kit, because you never know when your drunk ass will need a Band-Aid.

The food and drink compartment is the most important. You want to avoid buying food and drinks inside. The lines are too long and the prices are too high. I usually buy a bunch of mini liquor bottles (the kind they serve on planes) and I wrap them up in black socks and drop them in the bottom of the bag. Then I get beef jerky, trail mix, a few granola bars, maybe a sandwich, and some candy and throw those on top of the socked-up liquor bottles. They won’t be able to find your booze if you do it right. If they open your bag, they will just see a bunch of random snacks. Even if they take out the snacks, they won’t spot the liquor because it’s hard to see small black bundles on the bottom of a black bag. I’ll also buy a bottle of vodka and Gatorade and make some Faderade to take in. It looks just like Gatorade, so they probably wont confiscate it. If you make it the night before and stick it in the freezer, you’ll have an ice cold Faderade that will also turn the middle compartment into a cooler. I’ll usually bring in a few bottles of Coke for a caffeine boost and as a chaser for the mini liquor bottles.

If you want to smoke, I suggest that you roll a couple of joints or blunts and put them in a small container to keep them from getting squished or broken. They are easier to light, and it’s more convenient than packing a bowl. And when they start playing your favorite song, you just have to whip it out and spark it and you don’t have to fumble around. Properly packing your bag for a festival will make your weekend better. I spent three days at Outside Lands and didn’t spend a dime on booze or food at any of the vendors. Everything that I needed was in my bag. I was never uncomfortable, I was never hungry, and I was never sober. And I consider that a victory.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 16, 2013 · 9:52 am

A Bum Doing Laundry

Today was laundry day, so I brought my dirty clothes to the Laundromat and started throwing them into the washing machine. As I was doing this, I caught a whiff of something unpleasant and it wasn’t coming from my soiled drawers. I glanced around and spotted the source… there was a homeless guy fifteen feet away sitting on a chair and staring intently at his clothes thumping around in a dryer. I had to do a double take. I’ve never seen a bum doing laundry before. I just assumed that they changed one dirty outfit for another, or that they just wear the same exact thing every single day. Maybe most of them do. But this guy saved up a few bucks and used it to wash his clothes. He might not be able to take a shower, but he can still enjoy the feeling of a freshly cleaned shirt straight from the dryer. You have to take comfort in the little things in life, and that’s what this guy was doing. You sometimes forget that homeless people are homeless people, and sometimes it takes a bum doing laundry to remember that.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 15, 2013 · 11:22 am

Holding Down the Fort

You’re with a group of friends at a concert, or the movies, or at the bar, and you mark your territory. This is your spot, and it’s going to be for the next few hours. Whenever you’re with a group and you lay claim to a place, you have to protect your turf. You always have to leave somebody to hold down the fort. It’s important that you always leave one or two people from your group in your spot so that nobody else takes it over or steals your shit. Holding down the fort allows the people in your group to go to the bathroom, get more drinks, smoke outside, or to meet back up with everyone if they get separated. Everyone should take turns holding down the fort, just like everyone should take turns buying rounds. Holding down the fort is an essential part of hanging out with friends in public places. You can’t have fun if you don’t have a place to chill.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 15, 2013 · 11:19 am

Old Spice Hawkridge Deodorant

Hawkridge is one of the newest scents from Old Spice. It comes in body wash, body spray, and in deodorant form. I got a stick of the anti-perspirant & deodorant, and my arm pits are much nicer to be around now. It smells earthy, musky, and slightly fruity, with hints of cinnamon and vanilla. It reminds me of a fruit bowl that’s been sitting out for a few days… it smells sweet and old at the same time. It’s not as crisp or as sharp as Pure Sport, but it’s a nice alternative and it’s better than switching brands. It also leaves less white residue than most other anti-perspirants. Try it. Or don’t try it. I really don’t care what you do, as long as you put on something to mask your stench.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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