Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

November 21, 2013 · 10:47 am

Earthworm

A earthworm is a non-arthropod invertebrate that looks like a kind of like a soft, squishy, gooey snake. They live in the ground and eat dirt. Birds like to eat them. Guys like to use them as fishing bait. You thought a lot about worms when you were a kid. You would sometimes play with them or poke them with a stick. But you don’t think about them anymore these days. You forget all about them until you see one wriggling on the sidewalk during the rain or until you read about them in a stupid blog post. But they are always there, munching on dirt and digging holes a couple of inches below your feet. Earthworms are limbless, earless, eyeless, and noseless, but they have surprisingly sharp teeth (sharp enough to puncture human skin). They don’t bite as hard as snails, but they bite about as hard or harder than most slugs. That’s why I never walk outside barefoot.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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November 21, 2013 · 10:44 am

Walking in the Rain

Walking in the rain can either be a terrible thing or a great thing. It sucks when you don’t plan on it raining and you get caught in a sudden downpour without an umbrella. You end up soaking wet and completely miserable. But planning to go for a walk in the rain changes everything. You put on a warm jacket with a hood and some waterproof boots and take a stroll through the park. The rain keeps all the normal people inside, so you end up having the park to yourself. You walk along with no particular destination, pausing every now and then to watch the drops ripple across a pond. You take deep, long breaths, filling your lungs with the fresh air that only comes with rain. The rain makes the air sweeter and more vibrant, and it makes you feel more alive. Walking in the rain is soothing, it relaxes your soul. It’s hard to feel stressed when you’re at one with nature.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 20, 2013 · 10:43 am

Pretending That You’ve Seen A Movie You Haven’t Seen

People are habitual liars. We lie all the time. We lie about important things and we lie about unimportant things. We lie just to lie. We even lie about the movies we’ve seen and the books we’ve read. Pretending that you’ve seen a movie you haven’t seen is one of the most common lies told. You’ll be at a party and everyone is talking about the new George Clooney flick that you haven’t seen or heard about, but you don’t want to feel left out. You join the conversation even though you have no idea what to say, so you just stammer out a bunch of bullshit about how you like the dialog and the chemistry between the actors. You’ll feel slightly ashamed that you’re lying about something so trivial, but not enough to prevent you from lying. Movies are a shared experience, they are a common bond, they connect people. People lie about seeing a movie because they just want to feel involved.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 20, 2013 · 10:38 am

Dropping Your Phone on Your Face

You’re lying in bed after a long night out and your phone buzzes. You fumble around for your phone, too tired to even sit up. You finally find your phone and hold it over your face, trying to figure out who is calling you so early and why. But you’re too groggy to function and you end up dropping your phone on your face. What a great way to start the day. At least you’re awake now. Hopefully your thick skull didn’t crack the screen. I don’t think your protection plan covers face dropping.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 19, 2013 · 10:08 am

AA Battery

It doesn’t matter how cool your electronics are if you don’t have any batteries to power them. There are a bunch of different sized batteries, but nothing beats AA batteries. AA batteries (or double A batteries) are the most popular type of battery in the world, accounting for over half of battery sales worldwide. They are the preferred battery for most portable electronics, powering everything from toothbrushes to remote controls to speakers to flashlights. Your household is incomplete if you don’t have any spare AA batteries lying around in a drawer somewhere. You would be fucked if there was a natural disaster or if you lost power for a few days. AA batteries are one of the things that most people would forget to scavenge when the zombie apocalypse happens. I would loot the Duracell factory, hoard all the batteries, and use them as a currency to buys guns, food, and land. Eventually I would become the King of Zombieland. Whoever has the batteries has the power.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2013 · 8:56 am

Pay Day

Pay Day is the day that you get paid. It’s the day that you can spoil yourself a little bit and indulge a little more.  After all, you earned it. It’s the day that reminds yourself of why you work in the first place. You work to get money, and you get that money on Pay Day. It usually comes once each fortnight or twice a month (I know that a fortnight means two weeks, but I never get to use that word and I wanted to be pretentious). Pay Day means that you can afford to go out and spend your money a little more frivolously. You probably shouldn’t, but if you’re going to waste money that’s the day to do it. Pay Day is when you go out for celebratory and meaningless cocktails with your coworkers. It’s when you buy that gadget you’ve been eyeing. It’s when you splurge and buy a few new shirts to add to your wardrobe. It’s when you buy your kid medicine so she stops coughing and keeping you up at night. Pay Day is one of the few times that a regular Joe Schlub feels like Donald Trump. Pay Day is what keeps capitalism alive. All hail the Pay Day.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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November 15, 2013 · 8:57 am

Filming

So production is currently underway for the Critically Rated movie. What an exciting time to be alive. I can’t give you too many details, but it’s basically the story of a guy trying to get weed on his day off and it’s based on the hero’s journey. You know, when the hero goes out into the world and is presented with a quest and has to overcome three trials while dealing with archetypical characters like the guide, the mentor, the villain, and the princess. Codirector/Producer/Cinematographer Leonard Cohen and I are only a few weeks into production and there’s still a lot of work left to be done, but I feel confident that the movie that’s been in my head for years will finally make the transition to the screen.

Filming is hard. It’s so damn time consuming. You have to find a day when everyone can film. You have to decide where and when you’re going to film. You have to stage a scene and film it multiple times from multiple angles. You’re lucky to get a minute of usable footage from a few hours of filming. You have to worry about lighting, sound, the actors’ performances, and that’s the easy part. Eventually you have to edit the film to make it flow, and add music to enhance the emotion… that turns raw footage into a film. And even then you see things that you don’t like and think of things that you need to add. And that’s when you do reshoots and recut the movie to make it more cohesive. My film takes place in one day, but it will take more than two months to complete filming it, and then another couple of weeks to edit it. I can only hope that there are no glaring continuity errors. It’s hard work, but hopefully it will pay off in the end and I can put a shiny golden statue on my mantle.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2013 · 8:42 am

Spitting

Spitting is when you forcibly eject saliva, phlegm, or some other substance from your mouth. Some people consider it gross, but a vast majority of the world’s population enjoys a good spit from time to time. I remember when I went to Moscow and needed to spit, but wasn’t sure if it was taboo or not. I glanced around and saw a babushka hocking a fat loogie onto the sidewalk. Anything is acceptable if a little old lady does it. There are only a few rules about spitting. You shouldn’t spit inside unless you have something to spit into. You shouldn’t spit into the wind. And you should never spit on anyone (unless they really deserve it). Spitting on someone is one of the most insulting things you can do to another person. No normal person has ever enjoyed/appreciated being spat on. Your sister gets off on it though.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2013 · 8:40 am

Stop Sign

A stop sign is a traffic sign that tells you when to stop. They are red, octagonal, and are typically found at intersections. You need to stop when you approach a stop sign, unless you want to get a ticket. You have to come to a complete spot and yield to pedestrians and to the cars that have the right of way. Just be mindful of bikers and skaters because they think stop signs are optional and they might dent your car if you run into them. Sometimes stop signs get stolen (mostly by bored teenaged stoners, because they are shiny and stoners like shiny things. Trust me, I know from experience. I happen to have a stolen stop sign on the wall in my room for decoration. I’m only admitting it because I stole it ten years ago and I’m pretty sure the statue of limitations has kicked in. I took it from a construction zone, not from a busy intersection, so I didn’t endanger any drivers. It was pretty much the perfect crime and it’s a conversation starter, so I’m glad that I took it. And it’s proof that I was a badass in my younger days.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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November 13, 2013 · 6:31 pm

Canadian Quarters

Canadian quarters are quarters from Canada. They look deceptively like a regular American quarter. They are the same size, the same shape, and the same color. But it’s a moose instead of George Washington. George Washington is on the American quarter because he was the first President of the United States, commander-in-chief of the Continental Army, and a founding father. Canada chose a moose because they were discovered by a moose. Canadian quarters are quite useful if you’re in Canada, but they are completely worthless and useless once they cross over the border. I don’t want it if I can’t use it for parking, laundry, or buying a gumball. Keep your quarters Canada; they’re not welcome here.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 12, 2013 · 8:53 am

Replacement Dogs

Replacement dogs are dogs that you get to fill a void. Your parents get replacement dogs when all the kids have moved out and/or when the family pets have passed away. I’ve been out of my parent’s house for a few years now, and it seems like I’m greeted by a new dog every time I come home for Christmas. Replacement dogs are weird. They are family dogs that don’t know that you’re a part of the family. They can sense enough to know that you’re not an intruder, but they have no idea why you’re sitting on their spot on the couch. They are a reminder that life has a way of slogging on. Fido isn’t going to be around forever, but there’s always a Rex waiting in the wings. And when Rex bites the dust, Spot is ready for his chance to shine. Replacement dogs are the real circle of life.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 11, 2013 · 7:53 pm

Pixie Cut

A pixie cut is a popular hairstyle for women, but it shouldn’t be. It’s a short haircut along the sides and back of the head, and slightly longer on the top. Pixie cuts are super trendy right now for some stupid reason and I don’t know why. Girls are supposed to have long hair. Very few girls can pull off a pixie cut and still look good. Emma Watson had one. Beyoncé had one. Jennifer Lawrence just got one. They are all insanely gorgeous women with a terrible haircut in common. None of them can make it work. You shouldn’t even attempt it unless your name is Tinker Bell. You’ll end up looking like Peter Pan. The problem with a pixie cut is that it looks like a little boy’s haircut. And it’s hard for women to look sexy if they look like a little boy. If you want to look like a school boy, go ahead and get a pixie cut. But don’t stop there. The look isn’t complete until you also get a set of baggy overalls and a pair of Doc Martens. You can accessorize further with a slingshot in your back pocket. There, now you’re dressed to impress.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 8, 2013 · 8:51 am

Looking at Old Pictures

Not many things make you more nostalgic than looking at old pictures. Yesterday my friend sent me a bunch of pictures of us that I’ve never seen before. Each picture takes me back to a different time, a different place, to a moment in time when all that mattered was that particular moment. Time is linear, but your memories are not. Some memories stick out more than others. You can remember things you did ten years ago in vivid detail, but you’ll forget what you had for lunch yesterday. Your memory is not perfect. But looking at old pictures will make you recall and remember things that you’ve forgotten about. Looking at old pictures is like stepping into a time machine and going back to the good old days, back to when the past was still the present. You can’t go back in time, but you can always reminisce.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 7, 2013 · 10:44 am

Speeding Up At a Yellow Light

You’re driving along and you’re approaching an intersection with a traffic light. A green light means that you can go. A red light means that you have to stop. A yellow light means that the light is about the change to red. And instead of slowing down, you speed up. There’s no way in hell that you’re going to be stuck at the light Speeding up at a yellow light is not only acceptable, it’s expected. Drivers have been speeding up at yellow lights for as long as there have been yellow lights to speed through. As long as there have been traffic lights, there are been impromptu road races whenever the yellow light makes an appearance. It’s an annoying practice that predates ignoring your turn signals and not checking the rearview mirror.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 6, 2013 · 8:59 am

House Party

Parties are fun, but it’s hard to top a good house party. House parties are awesome because there is no guest list, there is no dress code, there is no last call, and there is no closing time. You don’t have to get your wrist stamped or worry about reentry if you go out for a smoke break. You get to control the music so you don’t have to suffer through a crappy DJ’s shitty set. The only downside is that you have to bring your own booze, but that still saves you money. A hundred bucks will get a lot more alcohol from the liquor store than it will get you at the bar. People have fun at bars and clubs, but they go nuts at house parties. It’s all friends and no strangers, so you feel more comfortable, relaxed, and less afraid of embarrassing yourself, and that means you’ll be drinking harder and longer than you would if there was a bouncer watching you. There are always a couple fun drinking games going on, a few random hookups to laugh about, and hundreds of random conversations about nothing to jump in to. The night goes on and on, and people start passing out and sleeping wherever they find a quiet corner to disappear in. Eventually the sun starts to rise, the party ends, and you get a smile on your face whenever you remember that night.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 6, 2013 · 8:57 am

It’s Not Illegally Parking If Someone Stays In the Car

Have you ever noticed that it’s perfectly ok to double park or park in a handicap spot without a placard if someone stays in the car? I’m pretty sure it’s still not legal to do that, but most cops will look the other way if someone stays in the car. It’s proof that you’re there temporarily and that you’ll be leaving in a minute. It might be a bit of an inconvenience to other drivers, but they do it too. Only the surliest of drivers will honk at you and scream at you to move your car. Don’t give in to assholes though… give them the finger and tell them to fuck off. And stay in your spot. Remember: it’s not illegally parking if someone stays in the car. Leave your baby in the backseat the next time you go grocery shopping and save yourself the hassle of searching for a spot.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2013 · 11:53 am

New Neighbors

My downstairs neighbors moved out a while ago and their apartment was unoccupied for months. We got used to the silence and the extra garage space. But our landlord finally got his shit together, and the new neighbors moved in yesterday. New neighbors are always interesting because they shake things up a bit. A neighbor can be your best friend or your worst enemy. A good neighbor can make a shitty place seem better. A bad neighbor can turn your dream home into a nightmare. So it’s important to talk to your new neighbors and get a feel for their personalities. You learn their names and what they do for a living and what they do for fun. You’re going to see them all the time so it’s better if you get along (or at least pretend like you do). Our new neighbors seem pretty chill, even though I’ve only talked to them for a minute. They have a cool dog, that’s always a plus. And they haven’t told us to keep the noise down yet. So far, so good. New neighbors, welcome home.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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