Tag Archives: dogs

Twilight Bark

I was relaxing at home the other night when I heard my neighbor’s dog howling. It was a slow, mournful wail and then it would pause for a minute. A few blocks away another dog would bark back a response, and then the howling would continue before another dog would jump in on the conversation. It sounded familiar but I couldn’t quite put my finger on where I’ve heard it before. Then it hit me. I was listening to the twilight bark in action. You might remember the twilight bark from Disney’s One Hundred and One Dalmatians. It’s when the evening quiet is shattered by dogs barking and howling at each other. It’s how Pongo and Perdita spread the word about their kidnapped puppies. The twilight bark is far more than a canine AMBER Alert. It’s a canine form of communication over long distances. Everyone knows the best way for dogs to converse is to sniff each other’s asses, but the twilight bark allows them to broadcast information on a larger scale. It’s like Twitter only with more growls and yips and fewer hashtags and you aren’t restricted to a hundred and forty characters.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Replacement Dogs

Replacement dogs are dogs that you get to fill a void. Your parents get replacement dogs when all the kids have moved out and/or when the family pets have passed away. I’ve been out of my parent’s house for a few years now, and it seems like I’m greeted by a new dog every time I come home for Christmas. Replacement dogs are weird. They are family dogs that don’t know that you’re a part of the family. They can sense enough to know that you’re not an intruder, but they have no idea why you’re sitting on their spot on the couch. They are a reminder that life has a way of slogging on. Fido isn’t going to be around forever, but there’s always a Rex waiting in the wings. And when Rex bites the dust, Spot is ready for his chance to shine. Replacement dogs are the real circle of life.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Dog Holding Its Own Leash

I was playing disc golf in the park today when I saw a dog emerge from the bushes. He was on a leash but there was no owner in sight. He was holding his own leash and walking himself. A dog holding its own leash is madness. It’s anarchy. It’s chaos. You’re a dog, you can’t walk yourself. You need someone to hold your leash and to pick up your shit with a little plastic bag. I don’t know where your owner is, I’d assume that he’s somewhere nearby, but it’s more fun to pretend that Fido escapes from the backyard and explores the neighborhood and sneaks back into the yard each day before his oblivious owner finds out. And he makes sure he wears a leash so the cops don’t hassle him for disobeying leash laws.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dogs That Bark at Skateboards

I was just skating casually down the sidewalk when a small dog went crazy and barking its head off. Like howling and yipping and trying to attack me. I wasn’t even close to it; I was on the other side of the street. I don’t get dogs that bark at skateboards. I’ve had dogs. I’ve had skateboards. None of my dogs ever went nuts because of a board with wheels. Skateboards aren’t any louder than cars. They are no more intimidating than Roller Blades. Some dogs even fucking ride skateboards. I’m going to have to put this on bad training. A dog should be used to skateboards, bikes, cars, scooters… you know, common methods of transportation. Most dogs are well behaved, but if a skateboard freaks out your dog then you’re probably not taking him outside enough. You are a terrible person.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dogs Like Cabbage

I wonder if he eats brocoli too.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Dogs

There are two types of people in the world. There are dog people and there are cat people. You have the occasional schmuck who prefers birds or fish, but they are most likely serial killers and we don’t talk about them. Fish lovers are creepy. At least I can respect cat people. Dogs are better than cats though, no doubt about it.

Let’s start at the beginning. Their domestication marked the arrival of our civilization. We used them for protection, for hunting and tracking game, sometimes even for transportation, and we always cherished their companionship. Whole tribes and cultures depended on them for survival. Dogs are man’s best friend for a reason.

We used to have a working relationship with dogs. We developed breeds to do our dirty work. For example, we made wiener dogs to kill badgers, and we made border collies to help herd sheep and alert us if Timmy fell down the well. We don’t have such a strenuous lifestyle anymore, so most us just have dogs as pets now.

Dogs are the best pets for a few reasons. When you want to pet your dog, you pet your dog. If you don’t want to pet him, you can just push him away. Cats are the exact opposite. They want to be petted when you don’t want to pet them, and when you want to pet them they scratch you. Fuckers. Dogs are better at playing. Cats chase a laser pointer and paw at a dangling string. Dogs have rubber toys shaped like pork chops and rolled-up newspapers and rope toys to chew on. They also play-fight with each other. They’ll bite, nip, jump, roll, and occasionally mount each other. They run after balls at top speed, they snatch Frisbees out of the air, and they swim after thrown sticks. Go to a dog park and watch the action. That’s entertainment.

There are an endless variety of breeds. You can get a tiny Chihuahua or a gargantuan Great Dane. There’s hundreds of purebreds and thousands more mutts. If you want a guard dog, a work dog, a sled dog, a lap dog, a service dog, or a hunting dog, there’s a dog out there for you.

Dogs are great animals. If you’re lucky enough to come across one, you should introduce yourself and shake his paw. Scratch behind his ears. Tell him he’s a good boy in baby talk. Put some whipped cream on his nose and laugh as he licks it off.

A male dog is called a dog. A female dog is called a bitch. Dogs fuck bitches, resulting in a litter of puppies. I almost made it through this whole post without saying bitch. We can’t have that. I said “fuck bitches” because that results in more Google hits for my site.

Dogs are man’s best friend. It’s as simple as that. The Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats and their society collapsed. You just can’t trust cats. Dogs will never lie to you. Their tails are built-in lie detectors. Dogs, dogs, dogs. They would get a perfect 17/17 but you have to clean up their shit way too often.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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