Tag Archives: george washington

Canadian Quarters

Canadian quarters are quarters from Canada. They look deceptively like a regular American quarter. They are the same size, the same shape, and the same color. But it’s a moose instead of George Washington. George Washington is on the American quarter because he was the first President of the United States, commander-in-chief of the Continental Army, and a founding father. Canada chose a moose because they were discovered by a moose. Canadian quarters are quite useful if you’re in Canada, but they are completely worthless and useless once they cross over the border. I don’t want it if I can’t use it for parking, laundry, or buying a gumball. Keep your quarters Canada; they’re not welcome here.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Election Day

So it’s the first random Tuesday of November and it’s finally Election Day. This is a big one too. Who will win the presidency? This cookie cutter candidate or that one? It’s so exciting knowing that whoever wins will spend the next 4 years getting our country into more wars and more debt. What a great time to be alive. The best part about Election Day is that we have two and a half years before another presidential campaign starts up again. This country will continue to go down the drain until we get rid of the Electoral College and political parties. And we will never get rid of either. Remember George Washington? Our first president and inventor of the quarter? He was opposed to political parties and foreign entanglements. You think he would like the state of the union these days? I doubt it. Amurika.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Fourth of July

The fourth day of the seventh month of the year is just another day for most of the world. For Americans, the fourth day of July is Independence Day, the annual birthday of freedom. And we celebrate with hot dogs, beer, and fireworks. For most Americans, it’s just an excuse to barbeque and hang out in backyards. The best way to celebrate America’s birthday is to blow things up. Every Fourth of July, thousands of cities across the nation try to destroy the sky with an aerial bombardment of bright colors and misshapen smiley faces.

The Fourth of July is a holiday because Americans are stupid. Before the Declaration of Independence there was this thing called the resolution of independence or the Lee Resolution. On June 7, 1776, a Virginian named Richard Lee proposed that colonies should break away from the English. On June 11, 1776, A Committee of Five (Roger Sherman, Robert Livingston, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin) got together to prepare a document detailing why they wanted independence. Only July 2, 1776 we officially declared our independence. On July 4, 1776, Congress approved the wording of the Declaration of Independence. August 2, 1776 is when most people signed the document and the last guy signed it on November 4, 1776.

That’s kind of a watered down version of what happened, but of all those dates, July 4th seems the least likely option to become our Independence Day. John Adams thought that July 2nd would be the day we celebrated our freedom. All he did was help write the Declaration and become our first president after George Washington… what the fuck does he know about American patriotism?

john adams presidential dollar coin

So the Fourth of July is not when we declared our independence, it’s when we finished writing a note to Mom and Dad a letter saying that we were moving out. But then we didn’t sign it until a month later. Most of the world ignores the Fourth of July, and maybe we should too. Because July 2nd seems like a much more logical choice. So does August 2nd. So does June 7th or 11th. Whatever.

The spirit of this holiday is perhaps best captured by Bill Pullman in his greatest performance yet.

The Fourth of July is our Independence Day. I just don’t know why. But I’m a sheep and will go along with it like everyone else. Happy Birthday, America! Now where’s the booze?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Ones

The lowest dollar bill denomination that we have. A lot of money if you are five years old, but they are the pennies of paper currency. They are kind of cryptic and have weird symbols like a pyramid with an eye and an owl/spider (depending on who you ask) hidden in the upper right corner behind the shield. Crispy, sexy ones are ideal for vending machines and for bus fare. George Washington rocks the front. He is on the dollar bill, the quarter and has a dollar coin as well, he’s tied with Lincoln and Jefferson for being featured on three different denominations.

Critically Rated at 14/17.

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Quarters

Quarters are the best coin. These are ideal for temporary tattoos, magic tricks, scratching off lotto tickets, parking meters and the list goes on and on. It even has its own drinking game named after it.

It has George Washington on it. GEORGE WASHINGTON, the guy who discovered America in 1776 and stole it from the British. He was a full 25% of the Four Fathers, the first President to win a second election, and he carved his own teeth from a cherry tree he chopped down. This is the American Coin of Choice.

I will give away pennies, nickels, dimes, even crumpled dollar bills to bums on the street, but I keep my quarters. Those are for laundry. We should get rid of all coins except for the quarter, half dollar, and dollar coin.

They would get a perfect score but you can’t buy a pack of gum or make a phone call anymore. I know that it’s because of inflation, so maybe they should make quarters worth 35 cents. Problem solved.

Critically Rated at 16/17.

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants