Tag Archives: traffic

Standing in the Middle of the Sidewalk 

Few things annoy me more than people standing in the middle of the sidewalk. There is no reason to stand there. If you want to check your phone, or glance at a map, or smoke a cigarette then go right ahead, but make sure you’re out of the way. You don’t need to obstruct the sidewalk. A sidewalk is like a road for pedestrians. You wouldn’t park your car in the middle of the street. That would be stupid. People will honk at you and crash into you. You would pull over into the shoulder and stay out of the way. So if we could all just do that on the sidewalk too that would be great. 

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Jaywalking

Jaywalking is when somebody crosses the street recklessly or illegally. Back in the day, jay meant an inexperienced person. So you’re a bad walker if you’re jaywalking. You should work on that. If you go to any major city you will see some asshole running across four lanes of traffic instead of using the crosswalk. Jaywalking is against the law and dangerous. Pedestrians get hit by cars and splattered all the time. I know that jaywalking is a little bit of a thrill, but it’s not worth it. It doesn’t save you that much time and it’s a stupid thing to get a ticket for. You should go to YouTube and watch Russian dash cam videos if you want to see professional jaywalkers in action. Those fuckers are crazy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Stop Sign

A stop sign is a traffic sign that tells you when to stop. They are red, octagonal, and are typically found at intersections. You need to stop when you approach a stop sign, unless you want to get a ticket. You have to come to a complete spot and yield to pedestrians and to the cars that have the right of way. Just be mindful of bikers and skaters because they think stop signs are optional and they might dent your car if you run into them. Sometimes stop signs get stolen (mostly by bored teenaged stoners, because they are shiny and stoners like shiny things. Trust me, I know from experience. I happen to have a stolen stop sign on the wall in my room for decoration. I’m only admitting it because I stole it ten years ago and I’m pretty sure the statue of limitations has kicked in. I took it from a construction zone, not from a busy intersection, so I didn’t endanger any drivers. It was pretty much the perfect crime and it’s a conversation starter, so I’m glad that I took it. And it’s proof that I was a badass in my younger days.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Hitting Every Green Light

There’s a magical time downtown each night where there are no cars on the road and every single intersection is just for you. You start driving down the street at the perfect speed, each red light dissolving away as you approach. You’re hitting every green light. Your brakes could be cut and it wouldn’t matter because there’s no stopping you. This is what it feels like to be at the center of the universe. Hitting every green light is an urban miracle, proof that the traffic gods do exist.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

1 Comment

Filed under Random Rants

Excessive Honking

It sucks that you are stuck in traffic. It really does. You’re in a rush, you have somewhere you need to be, you’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and your blood pressure is starting to rise. But excessive honking isn’t going to suddenly make the road clear up. And that constant blaring is annoying everyone and contributing to the traffic jam negativity. So shut the fuck up and lay off the horn.

Horns are supposed to be a warning. You use them to warn someone that they are about to back into your car. You use them to notify pedestrians of their impending death. You aren’t supposed to use them to escalate road rage. That’s what the middle finger is for.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Taking Up the Whole Sidewalk

You’re strolling down the city sidewalk. It’s a nice day, the birds are singing, and you’re moving along briskly. And then you see a family of six tourists walking side-by-side taking up the whole sidewalk. They’re moving at a snail’s pace, constantly stopping to gaze at shiny things, and they are causing a pedestrian traffic jam on the sidewalk. I’m not in any particular rush but I don’t yield to sidewalk takers. I’m not saying you have to walk single file, but if you would kindly get the fuck out of my way I’d appreciate it. I’m not above accidently elbowing your kid if it means I get some room to pass your family.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants