Tag Archives: walk

Bad Walkers

I cruise around the city streets on my longboard almost every day, and I’ve noticed that there are a lot of bad walkers out there. I mean some people just don’t know how to walk. They can’t keep a steady pace, they constantly speed up and slow down. Some can’t walk in a straight line. They will weave from side to side like a drunk at last call. Some people hear my wheels clacking behind them and they will freeze in place like a deer in headlights. Do you know what happens to a deer in headlights? It gets hit by the fucking car. Don’t be a deer in headlights. Don’t freeze in place when you see a skateboarder. I guarantee that the skateboarder already saw you and has adjusted his path to avoid hitting you. 

I see lots of tourists stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to gawk at buildings or look at a map. They don’t seem to realize that they are blocking the flow of pedestrian traffic. And they will give me a dirty look for calling them out on it. I’m not being an asshole, I’m trying to change thier stupid habits and save the world. If you want to walk around in my city, you should know how to fucking walk. Keep a steady pace, hold a straight line, and move with deliberation and intent. Slower traffic should stay to the right side. Waking isn’t that hard. Babies can do it. I know you can too.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Walking Stick

I went on a nine-mile hike with some friends the other day. The trail was relatively easy for the most part, but there were a few difficult parts and it rained the night before so there was a lot of mud. The situation called for a walking stick and nature was happy to provide me with one. I found one on the side of the trail. A walking stick is what it sounds like. It’s a stick for walking. Canes are for old people and the disabled. Walking sticks are for hikers and wizards.

Walking sticks can be used in a variety of ways. They make steep hills easier to climb or descend. They can clear the trail of bushes, debris, spider webs, and tree branches that are blocking the way. They offer a balancing point for crossing small streams or large puddles. They have traction in slippery conditions. And you can use them to fend off attacking animals or disgruntled hikers.

Some people buy walking sticks. That’s good if you go hiking a lot and want other people to know how awesomely outdoorsy you are. I prefer finding a walking stick somewhere along the trail and leaving it on the trailhead for future hikers to enjoy. It seems more neighborly. Walking through nature is fun. It’s better with a giant stick.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Suddenly Stopping While Walking

I live in a major US city with a lot of famous landmarks and points of interest. That means our sidewalks are littered with tourists who see nothing wrong with suddenly stopping while walking to take a picture or admire the scenery. They will be walking at a brisk pace and then stop instantly in the middle of the sidewalk without any warning or indication. You’ll plow right into them if you’re not paying attention. Then the idiot will glare at you and act like it’s your fault that you ran into them. They don’t seem to realize or care that they are the one at fault. They don’t know how to walk, but you’re the one to blame somehow. You shouldn’t be allowed to walk if you have the habit of stopping suddenly. It’s dangerous and stupid. It’s like slamming your brakes on the freeway. You deserve to be crashed into. It’s what you get for being dumb.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pants That Swish When You Walk

I went for a hike the other day. I was walking at a leisurely pace, taking tons of pictures of plants, trees, and wildlife. I was by myself and enjoying every minute of it. That is until two middle-aged ladies appeared on the trail behind me and shattered the peace and quiet. They weren’t talking loud or being rude, but one of them was wearing pants that made an audible swishing sound with each step she took. You could hear a swish swish whenever she made a stride. I don’t know if she was just inconsiderate or simply clueless, but it takes a special kind of person to wear pants that swish when you walk on a ten-mile hike. I’m not a violent person but I wanted to smash her in the face and it would have been completely justified. Swish pants should be illegal. These are the types of issues that politicians should be focusing on.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Walking Contest

A few years ago I went out to lunch with my roommate. We didn’t have any particular place in mind, so we started walking a few blocks towards the cluster of restaurants near our house. We walked past a few places, discussing and dismissing each potential place to eat. We reached the end of that stretch of restaurants and decided to keep walking to the next batch of restaurants a half-mile away. None of those places were satisfactory either, so we kept on walking. It was somewhere around this moment that our quest for lunch became an informal walking contest, and we both intended to win it. We walked and we walked and we walked some more. What was supposed to be a quick stroll for a bite to eat turned into an epic competition. We walked for two and half hours before we realized that we were both too proud to concede victory to each other. We gave up at the same time, and got a burrito to celebrate. And then we realized that we were a few miles from home and still had to walk back. That was the first and last time we ever had a walking contest. I would do it again, I would just make sure that I have a ride back.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pedestrian Racing

Pedestrian racing is when you try to outwalk the other pedestrians on a crowded sidewalk. It’s human nature to compete with each other and you might not even be aware that you’re doing it, but the truth is that you’re constantly pedestrian racing. Watch any city sidewalk during rush hour and notice how everyone is racing each other, trying to get to their destination slightly faster than everyone else. You walk at a normal pace on an empty sidewalk, but you increase your stride with each additional pedestrian. You walk around old people and people talking on their phones and tourists taking pictures. You speed up and walk past slow-moving families and try to keep pace with the businessman rushing to a meeting. You don’t want anybody to walk faster than you. You want to be the best. Keep racing pedestrians and one day you could be.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dog Stroller

I was chilling in the park the other week and noticed an old lady walking her dog. The dog was in a stroller. It was a dog stroller. It was in a stroller for dogs. So she was walking the dog, but the dog wasn’t walking. It’s just sitting there in a stroller like a fucking baby. Dogs are not babies. They are domesticated wolves. They like to walk. They like to run. That’s what’s natural for them. A dog stroller is an abomination. I felt bad for the dog and I felt worse for the lady. She obviously has no family or friends, because anyone who truly cared about her would have talked some sense into her a long time ago. Walking your dog in a stroller is like running to the gym to walk on the treadmill. It makes no fucking sense and is counterproductive. I don’t like dog strollers and I hate the people that stroll them.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Walking in the Rain

Walking in the rain can either be a terrible thing or a great thing. It sucks when you don’t plan on it raining and you get caught in a sudden downpour without an umbrella. You end up soaking wet and completely miserable. But planning to go for a walk in the rain changes everything. You put on a warm jacket with a hood and some waterproof boots and take a stroll through the park. The rain keeps all the normal people inside, so you end up having the park to yourself. You walk along with no particular destination, pausing every now and then to watch the drops ripple across a pond. You take deep, long breaths, filling your lungs with the fresh air that only comes with rain. The rain makes the air sweeter and more vibrant, and it makes you feel more alive. Walking in the rain is soothing, it relaxes your soul. It’s hard to feel stressed when you’re at one with nature.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Pedestrian Shuffle

I was strolling down the street and saw a little old lady shuffling towards me in the opposite direction. She was about fifty feet away and we were on a collision course. I solved the problem by moving closer to the street, creating a clear path for myself and leaving her enough space to keep moving forward without obstruction. She finally glanced up and saw me, then she proceeded to awkwardly shuffle into my path. All she had to do was continue walking in a straight line. But her natural response was to stumble into the line of fire. Come on, lady. You’re old, you should have learned how to walk by now. I’ll get out of your way again, but this is the last time. Pick a path and stick to it, avoid the pedestrian shuffle.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Double Pressing the Pedestrian Crossing Button

I had to cross a busy street today, so I sauntered over to the crosswalk and hit the pedestrian crossing button and waited for the light to change. Barely two seconds after I hit the button, another guy walked up and pressed the button again. I don’t know why he had to hit it too, he just saw me fucking press it. Maybe he assumed that I didn’t do it right and doesn’t trust my pressing technique. Maybe he’s just really good at pressing buttons and he has to show off his skills to random strangers. No matter what, there’s no point in double pressing the pedestrian crossing button. It’s not going to make the light change faster and it’s going to make whoever pressed it first resent you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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People Who Don’t Know How to Walk

Walking isn’t that hard but a lot of people can’t do it. I’m not talking about the crippled or handicapped or crawling babies. I’m talking about the idiots on the sidewalk that can’t walk in straight line or keep a steady pace. You have to walk with intention, with purpose. You can’t just be zigzagging your way down the sidewalk, stopping or slowing down to look at your phone. Hang up and fucking walk, damnit. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and repeat until you’re at your destination. And remember that there are other people trying to use the sidewalk too… Joggers, skaters, and dog walkers all want to use the sidewalk and they are probably faster than your slow pedestrian pace, so try to stick to one side of the sidewalk and don’t get distracted by a shiny mailbox and suddenly veer from your course without looking around first. Just because you’re on the sidewalk doesn’t mean there isn’t traffic and obstacles to pay attention to. Be aware of your surroundings and stay out of my way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Dog Holding Its Own Leash

I was playing disc golf in the park today when I saw a dog emerge from the bushes. He was on a leash but there was no owner in sight. He was holding his own leash and walking himself. A dog holding its own leash is madness. It’s anarchy. It’s chaos. You’re a dog, you can’t walk yourself. You need someone to hold your leash and to pick up your shit with a little plastic bag. I don’t know where your owner is, I’d assume that he’s somewhere nearby, but it’s more fun to pretend that Fido escapes from the backyard and explores the neighborhood and sneaks back into the yard each day before his oblivious owner finds out. And he makes sure he wears a leash so the cops don’t hassle him for disobeying leash laws.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Walk in the Park

I am lucky enough to live next to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, one of the best parks in the world. It’s bigger than NYC’s Central Park. That means it is better. Popularity and politics aside, if you are lucky enough to live close to a park too, I suggest that you take some time and enjoy a walk in the park. You’ll experience fresh air and sunshine. You’ll see birds and squirrels and trees and flowers and be reminded that Nature is a real thing and not just something you see on the Discovery Channel.

It’s good to be out in open space, standing on grass and dirt rather than concrete and trash. Sometimes you forget about nature when you live in a city. A walk in the park makes you remember that your roots are in caves, not in cubicles. And going outside is free entertainment. Appreciate it and take advantage of it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Missing Your Stop

Taking the bus is a good thing. It’s good for the environment. It’s good for your budget. You just need to know where to jump on and where to hop off. Knowing your stop is essential to taking the bus. If you don’t pay attention to where you are going, how will you know when you get there? Missing your stop is the sign of an amateur, but it happens to everybody. You just have to calm yourself and pretend like it was intentional, that you wanted to walk an extra few blocks back to your stop. Exercise, you know?

Critically Rated at 9/17

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