Tag Archives: umbrella

My Umbrella Story

It was raining when I went to work yesterday, so I bought an umbrella on the way. It was green and black and I had to get it because it reminded me of The Matrix. I was pretty proud of it. I showed it off to a couple of coworkers and they all agreed that it was a fine looking umbrella.

I chose a good time to buy a new umbrella because yesterday was the rainiest day in San Francisco since 2014. It was still pouring when I left work and headed to my girlfriend’s house, so I proudly made use of my nifty umbrella. Rain was still in the forecast this morning so I brought my umbrella with me when I took the train home. I was playing solitaire on my phone when I suddenly realized that I was at my stop. I quickly got up and jumped off the train. The doors closed, and as the train pulled away I looked down at my umbrella-less hands, knowing that I made a huge mistake.

I lost my umbrella. Well, I didn’t lose it. I knew exactly where it was but I was never going to get it back. I basically paid sixteen bucks to rent an umbrella for twenty-four hours. All I have left is a few memories and the now useless cover for it. I can only hope that the person who stumbles upon it treats it nice and gives it a better home than I did.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Broken Umbrella 

The past few days in San Francisco have been rainy and windy, which means there are a lot of broken umbrellas abandoned in garbage cans across the city. I counted five in a two block radius when I walked my dog earlier. That’s a lot of wet angry people that wish they bought a poncho instead. 

I hate when my umbrella breaks. I’m usually huddled under it when a gust of wind flips it inside out, breaking one of the spoke hinge things. I don’t know what you call those things, but they are crucial for proper umbrella functioning. You’re fucked once one of them breaks. You can either cling to your broken umbrella or throw it away and get soaked. You’re going to look stupid and be miserable no matter what. 

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Paying for an Umbrella

It was raining this morning as I left for work so I grabbed my umbrella. It’s a decent umbrella. It’s collapsible so it fits in my bag, it has a wrist strap, and it has a cover too. And I got it for free. Because I don’t believe in paying for an umbrella. You don’t buy umbrellas. You find them. That’s how it works. You come across them randomly and claim them as your own. Eventually you’ll leave that umbrella on the bus or at the coffee shop accidently and someone else will take it. Lots of restaurants have a bucket for wet umbrellas by the main entrance. If it’s a sunny day and you see an umbrella there, that shit is up for grabs. Or you can raid the lost & found at work on a rainy day. There are a million ways to get an umbrella. Paying for one shouldn’t be an option.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Keeping an Umbrella In Your Bag

Keeping an umbrella in your bag means that you’re prepared but also a little paranoid. It’s one thing to check the weather report before you leave the house and making a conscious decision to bring an umbrella with you. It’s entirely another thing to have an umbrella take up permanent residence in your backpack, briefcase, or purse at all times. Of course you will feel like it was all worth it if an unexpected storm blows in, but most of the time you’re lugging around an umbrella that you don’t need. There are a lot of things that take up the same amount of space as an umbrella but are more practical to have on a daily basis. Like a bottle of vodka for instance. You will use that way more than you would ever use an umbrella. And a bottle of vodka is more fun to take everywhere with you.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Walking in the Rain

Walking in the rain can either be a terrible thing or a great thing. It sucks when you don’t plan on it raining and you get caught in a sudden downpour without an umbrella. You end up soaking wet and completely miserable. But planning to go for a walk in the rain changes everything. You put on a warm jacket with a hood and some waterproof boots and take a stroll through the park. The rain keeps all the normal people inside, so you end up having the park to yourself. You walk along with no particular destination, pausing every now and then to watch the drops ripple across a pond. You take deep, long breaths, filling your lungs with the fresh air that only comes with rain. The rain makes the air sweeter and more vibrant, and it makes you feel more alive. Walking in the rain is soothing, it relaxes your soul. It’s hard to feel stressed when you’re at one with nature.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Walking Under Awnings With an Umbrella

I was just walking to the corner store and got caught in a sudden downpour. I was unprepared with only a hoodie and no umbrella. I ran underneath an awning and started making my way down the street, going from one storefront to the next, using the narrow pathway of protection that the awnings provided. The awnings kept me and my fellow unprepared pedestrians relatively dry, but every once in a while we would have to step around oncoming pedestrians going the opposite direction and go in the rain. That’s acceptable. What’s not acceptable is having to sidestep into the rain because some asshole is walking under the awnings with an umbrella. An umbrella is a personal and portable water dispelling device that enables the user to walk in the rain freely. It’s way better than relying on storefront awnings. That space should be reserved for the unprepared pedestrians, the ones who can’t walk freely in the rain. They deserve to be dry too. Any asshole walking underneath an awning with an umbrella deserves to be beat with it, even Rihanna agrees with that.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leaving Your Umbrella Open When It’s Not Raining

It’s sprinkling off and on and the sidewalks are filled with pedestrians with umbrellas. If you’re a normal person, you open your umbrella when it’s actively raining and then you close it when the drops stop falling. But some people don’t do that. They leave their umbrella open and over their head even though it’s stopped raining. There’s no reason for leaving your umbrella open when it’s not raining. You’re obviously not paying attention to the world around you. And you’re taking up space. You’re really just failing at life on all sorts of levels now. It’s not enough to make people hate you, but they lose respect for you instantly.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Rain Ponchos

It’s starting to rain and you left your umbrella at home. You can either buy a new umbrella, brave the rain and get soaked, or you can wear a plastic garbage bag and pretend that it’s a poncho. Real rain ponchos are better though. Real rain ponchos are sometimes more practical than umbrellas. They are foldable, more portable and they look like cloaks, which makes them more fashionable. You can’t really get away with wearing cloaks these days but a plastic poncho will suffice. Ponchos are just another item in our arsenal against global warming. Bring it on.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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