Tag Archives: phlegm

Spitting

Spitting is when you forcibly eject saliva, phlegm, or some other substance from your mouth. Some people consider it gross, but a vast majority of the world’s population enjoys a good spit from time to time. I remember when I went to Moscow and needed to spit, but wasn’t sure if it was taboo or not. I glanced around and saw a babushka hocking a fat loogie onto the sidewalk. Anything is acceptable if a little old lady does it. There are only a few rules about spitting. You shouldn’t spit inside unless you have something to spit into. You shouldn’t spit into the wind. And you should never spit on anyone (unless they really deserve it). Spitting on someone is one of the most insulting things you can do to another person. No normal person has ever enjoyed/appreciated being spat on. Your sister gets off on it though.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Handkerchief

A handkerchief is a piece of fabric that you use to wipe for hygienic purposes. But it’s not very hygienic. At all. It’s kind of like a Kleenex made of reusable cloth. Once upon a time, someone decided that a designated mucus towel is somehow classy and fancy, and society went along with it. But they didn’t fool me. I don’t see much of a difference between using a handkerchief and using your hand to blow your nose and putting the phlegm directly into your pocket. If you have a runny nose, you should just grab a tissue and then throw it away. Handkerchiefs make no sense. You don’t wipe your ass and reuse the toilet paper the next time you have to shit. A handkerchief is essentially a glorified snot rag that you put back into your pocket after you blow your nose. And that’s fucking gross, bro.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Snot Rocket

Snot Rockets are the answer to many of life’s questions. Need to blow your nose but don’t have any Kleenex handy? Snot rocket. Need to impress a girl but don’t know how? Snot rocket. A snot rocket is a glob of mucus that you launch from your nose. It’s a liquid booger projectile that can be used as a biological weapon. Aim at your enemies and fire. Hopefully they’ll be too disgusted to sock you in the face. There are many YouTube instructional videos if you want to learn how to harness your phlegm and become good at it. Someday you could be like Madison Bumgarner, a snot rocketeer and two-time World Series Champion.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sneeze

Sometimes you have snot or dust in your nose and you feel a tickle. That tickle starts to grow and it becomes a sneeze. Your lungs deliver a blast of air that sends the snot and dust flying out of your nose and mouth. I’m sure you’ve all seen cartoons where they sniff pepper and it makes them sneeze. That doesn’t really happen. If you sniff pepper you just get a burning sensation like you inhaled Mace. Everyone has a unique sneeze, they are like fingerprints. Some people sneeze once and they’re done. Some people sneeze so many times that you’d think it was their hobby. There are silent sneezers, loud sneezers, spray sneezers, dry sneezers, and sneezers that sound like cats. The worst type of sneeze are the random phlegmers. Those are the powerful ones that come without warning and result in a handful of snot. Just throw it at the first asshole that makes a wisecrack and everybody will be too busy laughing to be disgusted.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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