Monthly Archives: February 2013

February 20, 2013 · 10:18 am

Walking Under Awnings With an Umbrella

I was just walking to the corner store and got caught in a sudden downpour. I was unprepared with only a hoodie and no umbrella. I ran underneath an awning and started making my way down the street, going from one storefront to the next, using the narrow pathway of protection that the awnings provided. The awnings kept me and my fellow unprepared pedestrians relatively dry, but every once in a while we would have to step around oncoming pedestrians going the opposite direction and go in the rain. That’s acceptable. What’s not acceptable is having to sidestep into the rain because some asshole is walking under the awnings with an umbrella. An umbrella is a personal and portable water dispelling device that enables the user to walk in the rain freely. It’s way better than relying on storefront awnings. That space should be reserved for the unprepared pedestrians, the ones who can’t walk freely in the rain. They deserve to be dry too. Any asshole walking underneath an awning with an umbrella deserves to be beat with it, even Rihanna agrees with that.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 19, 2013 · 9:52 am

Breaking Down Cardboard Boxes

I believe in recycling because I like saving the planet and feeling superior to other people. Cardboard is one of the many things that I recycle. There are pizza boxes, TV dinner packages, soda cases, delivery packages, and all sorts of cardboard boxes that continually show up in my house. It seems like taking out the trash is a constant battle. The thing about cardboard boxes is that they take up space. So you have to break them down before you shove them in the recycling bin. Otherwise they take up too much room and you can fit anything else in. Breaking down cardboard boxes makes sense; it’s what you’re supposed to do. Not breaking them down is stupid and lazy. I’m lazy too, but I realized that if you break shit down then you don’t have to take out the garbage as much. I’d rather spend 2 seconds breaking down a box than spend 2 minutes taking the recycling out to the garage, throwing it in the collection bins, then getting a new trash bag and replacing the old one. Nope, I think I will just save space and time by breaking down this box now and avoiding the real chore. Now if only I could get my roommates to see the light.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 19, 2013 · 9:49 am

Missing a Button

You have an important appointment and need to look professional and presentable. A button up collared shirt is in order. You’ll examine it for any stains and iron it out to make sure there are no wrinkles, and then you’ll put it on and start buttoning it up. Halfway through you realize there’s a problem. You have a hole but no button for it. You have a useless shirt until you sew a replacement button back on. And who has time for that bullshit? You need another shirt and fast. Another scenario involving missing buttons is the Random Pop Off. Sometimes you’ll get home and realized that you lost a button at some point during the day. You’ll never know where or when it randomly popped off, and you’ll never know how many people saw your missing button and thought less of you for it. And you’re never going to find your button. Hopefully there’s no sentimental value because that thing is not coming back. It’s in the land of missing socks and misplaced keys now. Missing a button means that you either have fashion problems or emotional problems.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 18, 2013 · 10:27 am

Spoilers

You’re looking forward to that new TV episode or blockbuster sequel to your favorite movie, you’re so excited and the anticipation is through the roof… and then you go on Facebook and see half a dozen spoilers and everything is seemingly ruined. Fucking spoilers. The weird thing is that people love spoilers almost as much as they hate them. They want to know that Harrison Ford is in the new Star Wars movie but they don’t want to know what he does. Spoilers are inevitable. As soon as someone sees something they want to talk about it, it doesn’t matter who is listening. The Internet makes it even easier to make people listen to what they don’t want to hear. I didn’t mean to tell you that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, it just slipped out. Get over it. It doesn’t matter what happens, it only matters how it happened. A good spoiler only gets you more excited if you want to see it. Everyone knew the Titanic was going to sink but they still saw it anyway. It’s the journey, the experience that makes it interesting. That’s what counts, not that Keyser Söze and Kevin Spacey were the same fucking guy.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 18, 2013 · 10:24 am

Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout

Cappuccino Stout is another limited release from California’s Lagunitas Brewing Co. A good stout usually has hints of coffee and they brew this ale with real coffee. So it tastes like real coffee. And it also has an alcoholic content of 9.2%. That’s stronger than anything that you’ll find at Starbucks. This isn’t the type of beer that you play beer pong with. A stout is something that you sip and enjoy. And Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout is enjoyable and classy and makes you look sophisticated.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Youn

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February 17, 2013 · 9:52 am

Gum Wrapper

A gum wrapper is the individual wrapper for a piece of gum. It helps keep the gum fresh, sanitary, and from sticking to other pieces of gum. Smart people hold on to the wrapper so they can spit the gum into it when it loses its flavor. Dumb people throw away the gum wrapper as soon as they open it and then they spit the gum on the ground or stick it under the table when they’re done chewing it. A gum wrapper is not a piece of trash. It’s a portable protector for unused gum that also doubles as a disposable device for used gum. What a novel concept.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 17, 2013 · 9:50 am

Triple Voodoo Inception Belgian Style Ale

Triple Voodoo Brewing is a microbrewery from Belmont, California. It’s a Belgian style ale, but they seem to want to stress that it’s not brewed like most Trappist ales and that makes it taste more like an IPA. And they also describe it as having California characteristics, whatever the fuck that means. “I’m loving these California characteristics, bro. It tastes like sunshine and homeless people, with a little surfer thrown in.” It’s a malty beer with hop varietals that gives it a clean finish. It’s nice and very drinkable. The most important thing is that it’s 8% alcohol and that it’ll get you drunk.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 16, 2013 · 9:39 am

Meteor Warning System

So there’s all this talk about asteroids, meteors, comets, and various space rocks coming to kill us all. There was that close call with asteroid 2012 DA14 and that Russian meteorite in the last few days. The asteroid wouldn’t have destroyed the Earth, but it would have fucked shit up. The Russian meteorite was a wake-up call because it was unexpected and unpredicted. It’s a reminder that nature wants to kill us all. NASA and other agencies are trying to create a Meteor Warning System, which would become operable in 2015. That’s fucking bullshit. Even if there was a Meteor Warning System, it wouldn’t be effective. We still have no surefire way of stopping anything. Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck can’t save us. Elijah Wood is toast.  We are all fucked if there’s something heading towards Earth right now (and there is, it’s just a matter of time before it hits us).

The truth is that even if someone detected an asteroid or whatever heading straight for Earth, they would never release that information. If everyone knew the exact moment of judgment day, they would use go crazy. The entire world would panic. We are talking riots, rapes, fights, fires, coups and chaos. Total anarchy. And you wasted your moment if you didn’t go nuts. Everyone would freak out and they know it. They wouldn’t tell anyone. They would let us all die without a clue. And that’s a good thing. Ignorance is bliss and I want to die happy.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 16, 2013 · 9:36 am

Talon Extra Select Double IPA

I like beer and I like strong beer. I want to be able to taste it. I like IPAs because it’s a strong beer. I like double IPAs because they are even stronger than regular IPAs. And so I had to try Talon Extra Select Double IPA from Mendocino Brewing Company. It is really hoppy and has a 10% alcohol content. That’s enough to make you grow some chest hair. One bottle is like three new chest hairs. Drink a case of this and you’ll be looking like Robin Williams in no time. Proceed with caution, ladies. I’ve had better craft beers, but I would still get this one again.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 15, 2013 · 9:40 am

Cold Showers

People like being clean and taking showers helps people get clean. There are two main types of showers: hot or cold. Hot showers are the normal choice for normal people. They like water so hot it scalds their skin and fogs up the mirror. It’s warm, it’s inviting, it feels so right. Then there are cold showers. Most people regard cold showers as a form of torture or a sign that you need a new hot water heater. But some people actually like cold showers. They say a cold shower is refreshing, that it wakes them up. I think getting drenched with ice-cold water would be a lousy way to start the day. But it’s cool if you’re into that sort of thing; it just means there’s more hot water for me.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 15, 2013 · 9:36 am

Numb Mouth

I went to the dentist today to get a cap and a filling. Fun times, I know. But he did stab me with a needle and make my mouth numb. The dental procedure went well, just a little bit longer than I would have liked. I eventually escaped the chair and have been experiencing a numb mouth for the past few hours. It makes eating more of a challenge. You have to make sure you’re not chewing on your cheeks or dribbling soup down your chin. I can’t feel my lips or my tongue and I have a slight slur to my speech. If I saw myself on the street, I would assume that I was drunk. A numb mouth is a weird sensation. I kind of like it but I’d rather be drunk.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 14, 2013 · 10:06 am

The Sandman: Endless Nights (comic)

Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman is one of the most important comics of all time. Endless Nights is a follow-up to the acclaimed series. There are seven stories, each one focusing on one of the Endless. They are character studies of Death, Desire, Dream, Despair, Delirium, Destruction, and Destiny. There’s a different artist for each story, so each story feels more unique and reflective of the main character. On the Peninsula (Destruction’s story) might be the highlight of this graphic novel. It has amazing art by Glenn Fabry and an interesting plot about an archeologist uncovering artifacts from the future. All in all, Endless Nights is not essential reading, it has no bearing on the main storyline. It’s a way to learn more about Dream’s fucked up family and get a little more information about The Sandman Universe. So only read it if you’ve read all the other ones, otherwise you’ll be lost.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 14, 2013 · 10:03 am

Xyience Xenergy Cherry Lime

So there is a brand of energy drinks called Xenergy and it’s made by a company called Xyience and it makes my autocorrect go crazy. Apparently it’s the official energy drink of the UFC, so you know it kicks ass. There are a few different flavors; I snagged the Cherry Lime one. It doesn’t taste like Cherry Lime and it doesn’t taste good. It’s not bad though and there’s a slight aftertaste. It’s kind of bland and weak, it doesn’t have that kick that you expect from energy drinks. There’s no sugar and no carbs and no reason to get it again.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 13, 2013 · 10:13 am

Slept Wrong

I woke up with a crick in my neck and a pain in my shoulder, all because I slept wrong last night. Apparently I can’t even sleep without fucking up. Sleeping wrong sucks because you’ll be sore all day and can’t complain about it. Other people are sore because they ran a half marathon, spent the day at the gym, or worked a double shift… they earned the right to complain. You lied down for 7 hours and expect sympathy. You might get pity, you don’t deserve sympathy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 13, 2013 · 10:09 am

Skittles Darkside

With all this talk about Disney buying Lucasfilm and making new Star Wars movies, it only seems fitting that Skittles released a new flavor variety called Darkside. Now you can taste the other side of the rainbow with sophisticated flavors like Dark Berry, Pomegranate, Blood Orange, Midnight Lime, and Forbidden Fruit. I’m just relieved they didn’t get rid of Lime Skittles; they just changed its bedtime. I like most of the flavors except for the Blood Orange. Maybe it will grow on me, but for now I hate it more than anything and I never fucking exaggerate ever. Darkside is a welcome member to the Skittles family, try them out, look for the purple packaging.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 12, 2013 · 11:17 am

The Accidental Wake Up Text

Sleeping in is nice. You get to lie in bed, all comfortable and content, drifting in and out of dreams, without a care in the world. And then the reality slaps you in the face and your phone buzzes and wakes you up. Some jerkass texted you for some stupid reason, it doesn’t even matter why. You can’t go back to your awesome dream so you’re kind of pissed before you even manage to open one eye to read the text. And no matter what the text says, it’s never worth waking up for. You might obligingly respond and tell them that you’re still sleeping before you close your eyes and try to drift off again. Inevitably they’ll text you back apologizing for waking you up, waking you up again in the process. You just can’t win and the universe doesn’t want you to.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 12, 2013 · 11:10 am

Rockstar Recovery Energy/Tea/Lemonade

For thousands of years there was just one main energy drink and it was called coffee. Then people created soda but that wasn’t enough and so we came up with energy drinks. And now everybody and their mom has their own line of energy drinks. Red Bull is the best energy drink, and Rockstar has a claim for second place. Rockstar has lots of different flavors and varieties and Rockstar Recovery Energy/Tea/Lemonade is one of their newer ones. It’s like an Arnold Palmer (half lemonade and half iced tea) but it has caffeine, taurine, ginseng, milk thistle, and electrolytes. Plus is only 10 calories so it’s just as healthy as water. You can drink it all day, everyday with no adverse effects. It has a slight aftertaste like most diet energy drinks, but a shot of vodka makes it unnoticeable.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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