Tag Archives: gum

Slice of Gum

I had a friend in high school who would ask me for a slice of gum almost every single day. Not a stick of gum. A slice of gum. That’s what he called it. He knew what he was doing because he would also ask for a slice of paper during class. He liked to call things slices I guess. And he really liked asking for stuff too. Anyway, slice of gum sounds better. I think that’s what it should be called. He was really onto something there. Anyone can have a stick of gum or a piece of gum. I want a slice. A slice of gum would really hit the spot.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

stick-gum-wrap-400x400

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Gum Wrapper

A gum wrapper is the individual wrapper for a piece of gum. It helps keep the gum fresh, sanitary, and from sticking to other pieces of gum. Smart people hold on to the wrapper so they can spit the gum into it when it loses its flavor. Dumb people throw away the gum wrapper as soon as they open it and then they spit the gum on the ground or stick it under the table when they’re done chewing it. A gum wrapper is not a piece of trash. It’s a portable protector for unused gum that also doubles as a disposable device for used gum. What a novel concept.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Losing a Filling

I have a sweet tooth; I eat more candy than a five-year-old on Halloween. I have a few cavities to prove it. The other day my friend gave me gumball. I didn’t really want it, but it’s bad for the economy to not accept free things. So I took it and chewed it for about fifteen seconds before I realized it shouldn’t be crunchy. That stupid gumball ripped out my filling. Losing a filling sucks. Even as I type this, my tongue keeps exploring the gaping hole in my molar. The worst part is that I can’t eat candy until I get a new filling. Then I will celebrate with some Skittles. I think I’ll avoid the gumballs from now on.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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Smacking Your Gum

Ok, annoying bitch on the bus who keeps on smacking your gum, you need to stop. Either spit out your gum or keep your fucking mouth closed. You are fucking gross and disgusting, you fucking perpetual masticator. Is that your first piece of gum? Because if it’s not, than you have been chewing gum wrong for years and that’s fucking pathetic. Each time you smack your gum, I want to smack you. And I’d be justified in doing it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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