Tag Archives: button

Sober as a Button

I have a friend who recently got fired from his job at a restaurant. He got the boot because he showed up to work extremely hungover and still slightly drunk. He looked like shit, felt like shit, and the managers asked him to go home. They called him an hour later and told him that he wasn’t welcome back. It’s kind of bullshit because practically everyone in the restaurant industry has worked drunk at one time or another, but that’s besides the point. Well, I’m not sure I have a point really. I was only trying to tell you all an anecdote. I’m going to get back to that now.

So anyway, later on that day a bunch of us were at the bar celebrating Saturday night and my friend joined us. He was telling us his side of the story, downplaying how intoxicated he really was. Someone asked him if he was still drunk when he showed up to work. “No,” he said, “I was sober as a button.”

We all smirked, laughed, and did a double-take. I told him that I was pretty sure he just made up that expression. He was adamant that it was an actual expression. We Googled it. It’s not. Well, some people have said it in the past, but the majority of the internet doesn’t accept it as a real idiom. You can be cute as a button or sober as a judge, but you can’t be sober as a button. Then my friend reminded me that buttons don’t drink. Fuck, he’s right about that. We ended up agreeing that it wasn’t a valid expression but you could still be technically sober as a button.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Misbuttoning Your Shirt

You have a job interview or a date or an important business meeting to go to and you want to look your best. You put on a fancy collared shirt in an attempt to make a good impression. But you made a mistake in buttoning up and your shirt is not aligned correctly. You tried to look nice but you failed. You look like a slob. You look like an incompetent boob that’s incapable of buttoning up your own shirt. And you have to admit that it’s a little bit true. Misbuttoning your shirt is a mistake that we all make at some point or another. It’s the fashion equivalent of having shit in your teeth all day. Hopefully you realize it before you leave the house, but chances are you won’t have any idea until somebody else points it out to you in a condescending manner.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Showing You the Camera Button

I work as a server at popular restaurant in a tourist trap location. As a result, there are some days that I can’t even walk five steps without getting stopped to take a picture of some happy couple or a miserable family. It always happens the same way too. I’ll be heading to work with my headphones in and some guy will kind of flail his arm at me, almost as if he was trying to hail a taxi cab. He will lift up his camera, then gesture back towards his girlfriend/wife and family with a half smile on his face, then look back at you and raise the camera again. That’s usually when I cave in and nod, and he approaches me with the camera and points at the camera button. They always end up showing you the camera button. I know how to take a fucking picture. Everyone knows how to take a fucking picture. You aim the camera at whatever you want to shoot and then you press the button. There’s no need to point out the camera button anymore. It’s 2014. We all have it by now.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Accidently Hitting the Eject Button on the Keyboard

I have a MacBook Pro that I use all the time. It’s a great computer, I love it, and I use it all the time. My only complaint about it is that the eject button is right above the delete key. I don’t know how many times I’ve hit the eject button by mistake. I do it all the time. It drives me crazy. I’ll be in the writer’s zone, where all the words just spill from your fingers onto the screen, and my pinky will slip while I’m trying to do a quick edit, ejecting whatever DVD is in in the disc drive and causing me to lose my train of thought. Then I have the option of putting the DVD back where it belongs or reinserting it back in. I usually put it back in, and then I have to wait for the DVD to load so I can quit the DVD player so I can get back to work. It only takes about a minute, but that’s a minute that I can never get back. Accidently hitting the eject button on the keyboard won’t kill you, but it takes a little of your life away each time.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Double Pressing the Pedestrian Crossing Button

I had to cross a busy street today, so I sauntered over to the crosswalk and hit the pedestrian crossing button and waited for the light to change. Barely two seconds after I hit the button, another guy walked up and pressed the button again. I don’t know why he had to hit it too, he just saw me fucking press it. Maybe he assumed that I didn’t do it right and doesn’t trust my pressing technique. Maybe he’s just really good at pressing buttons and he has to show off his skills to random strangers. No matter what, there’s no point in double pressing the pedestrian crossing button. It’s not going to make the light change faster and it’s going to make whoever pressed it first resent you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Missing a Button

You have an important appointment and need to look professional and presentable. A button up collared shirt is in order. You’ll examine it for any stains and iron it out to make sure there are no wrinkles, and then you’ll put it on and start buttoning it up. Halfway through you realize there’s a problem. You have a hole but no button for it. You have a useless shirt until you sew a replacement button back on. And who has time for that bullshit? You need another shirt and fast. Another scenario involving missing buttons is the Random Pop Off. Sometimes you’ll get home and realized that you lost a button at some point during the day. You’ll never know where or when it randomly popped off, and you’ll never know how many people saw your missing button and thought less of you for it. And you’re never going to find your button. Hopefully there’s no sentimental value because that thing is not coming back. It’s in the land of missing socks and misplaced keys now. Missing a button means that you either have fashion problems or emotional problems.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Calling or Texting Instead of Ringing the Doorbell

It seems like everyone has a cellphone these days, and the lucky ones have smartphones. Everyone is constantly connected to each other with this magical technology. And technology makes you lazy in stupid ways. I’ve noticed that most people end up calling or texting instead of ringing the doorbell. A doorbell has one button that produces a buzzing or chiming noise to notify that someone is at the door. Instead of pushing one button, we now push a few buttons or type out a text saying we are outside. It takes longer to get a response, there’s more work involved, and there’s no real reason to do it. But that’s how it is now. So just embrace it and text me when you get here.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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