Tag Archives: death

October 22, 2020 · 10:13 pm

My Mandy Dream

I had my first (and so far only) dream about Mandy a few weeks ago. It was weird but a bit of a relief because I was worried and wondering why I hadn’t had one yet. Why haven’t I seen her even though she’s always on my mind? When Josh died, I saw him every time I saw someone wearing a red plaid shirt. I couldn’t escape him. Why wasn’t I seeing Mandy?

I finally saw her in one of those quick morning dreams. Where you wake up but don’t want to start the day and try to go back to bed. The magical place between sleep and awake. That’s where I saw her.

I was at a holiday party, filled with friends and family, it felt like it was Christmas time, and I was going from room to room looking for her. I found her in the kitchen, sitting on a stool by the counter. She was sitting next to a bearded hipster that doesn’t exist in real life, but I recognized him as a mutual friend. I wasn’t surprised to see her, she wasn’t a ghost or anything. She was still my girlfriend and we were just at a holiday party. I walked over to her and we started to talk about whatever.

Out of the blue, she causally mentioned that she made out with our bearded hipster friend. I was taken aback, like what the fuck did you just say? You made out with him? And she said, “Yeah, I made out with him. Your mom saw us.” She said it so matter-of-factly, like it wasn’t a big deal.

“You made out with him? And my mom saw you?”

“Yeah. You were in the room too,” she said, like it was totally normal to cheat on me. Obviously I was pissed and told her I was breaking up with her. Then I woke up mad. I was still half asleep, I was angry, until I realized that I finally had a dream about her, smiled, and closed my eyes to go try to find her again. I drifted off to another random dream, one without her or the holiday party or the random bearded hipster friend that doesn’t really exist.

I have a few theories about what my dream meant. It means that I feel betrayed. That she hurt me so much and didn’t realize or care. And that I want closure that I’m never going to get.

I felt a sense of relief. It was as if a weight was lifted off my chest. For the next few days I felt so much lighter. I thought it was a breakthrough in my grieving process. It didn’t last. It comes in waves and I got hit by a tsunami a few days later.

I’m glad I had the dream though. I got to see her and talk to her again. Yeah, the subject matter sucks, but it’s better than my reality.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 13, 2020 · 6:47 pm

Three Months

It’s been three months since I lost you. Three long, challenging months. There are some days where I feel like I will be ok. There are some days where I feel like I can’t go on. But everyday I wake up, force myself out of bed, and take the pup for a walk. I walk, and I think about you, and I try to hold back the tears. Sometimes I succeed. I walk the places that we walked and remember the things we talked about, the things that we did, and think about how much I miss you.

I look at Turner running around getting his zoomies out, and I smile because I know nothing made you happier than Turner being a goofball. And then I feel overwhelming sadness that I can’t share that happiness with you anymore. I grab my pendant you made that I carry around my neck and I kiss it, and I wish I was kissing you. And I keep on walking because that’s all I can do.

I walk and I think about how crazy the start of quarantine was, how we were discovering the new normal together. You started working from home, and I got to see you in work mode. You were so good at your job. Professional, courteous, and badass. Then after work you would do something amazing like make jewelry, or a funny music video, or do some BLM activism. You got pretty good at battling Trump trolls. And you somehow still found time to spend with me and make me feel special.

I remember one night early in quarantine, you were already asleep and I was watching the news, watching the world crumble all around us, and I felt so isolated. I crawled into bed and started to cuddle with you. You thought I was being frisky. I just needed to hold you. I needed you to make me feel safe. You got me through that night. I wish I could have stayed in that moment forever.

I never imagined life without you. It’s pretty miserable. The highlight of my day is letting Turner run around off leash at the beach or park. He looks so carefree and happy. He gives me hope that I’ll find happiness again. He gets me through each day. I’ve been rationing out some of the dog food that you bought for him. Today he gets the last bit of it. I’ll let him know it’s from his mama.

I had three months of quarantine with you. Now it’s three months of quarantine without you. I keep slipping further and further from the past and into the future. I feel like time is pulling me away from you. I feel so helpless. I feel so afraid that I’m not going to remember everything, that I’ll forget all the little things that made me love you so much. So I jot down every memory down when they pop up. I got enough to write a book. I will one day, but it’s hard to be motivated when I’m so depressed right now.

I try to keep myself busy. Well, that’s kind of a lie. I try to keep myself distracted. It’s hard when everything reminds me of you. I have the Cowboys vs Rams game on as I write this, and it hurts because the last NFL game I saw was the Super Bowl with you. It makes me feel guilty. It’s tough to do something alone that we used to do together.

Time to wrap this up before the roommates come home and see me crying like a bitch. I fucking miss you. I love you, baby. I’ll never stop loving you. I promise you that.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 1, 2020 · 11:02 pm

I’m Back

I’m back. This post marks the end of my self imposed hiatus from Critically Rated. I got 2020’ed pretty bad. I lost my girlfriend and close friend/roommate in an unfortunate ATV accident. Everything came to a sudden halt, and two and a half months later I’ve only just started getting used to my new reality. It’s tough waking up each day knowing the love of my life is gone.

I’m trying to make sense of it. I’m trying to make it mean something. But it’s pretty fucking hard. I used to believe in fate. I thought fate brought Mandy and me together. I thought the universe wanted us to be together. But if I believe that, that means I was supposed to lose her. I don’t consider myself a Christian, but I believed in God. I prayed every night before falling asleep. I don’t know if I believe in God anymore. I don’t know how I can. I prayed that he would protect the ones I love and he fucked me over hardcore.

So I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know if I believe in anything. I don’t want life to be random. I want it to make sense. I want to know that things happen for a reason. I know that any sense of security is an illusion. I can’t take anything for granted because everything can change in an instant.

I’ll never get over it, but I’m getting through it. Can’t stop the clock. Tick. Tick. Tock. Minutes into hours into days into weeks into months. Each new day takes me further away. I know I have to move on, start a new life, but I don’t want to. I want to wake up to Mandy.

I’m only living because I know she would want me to. But every new experience makes me feel guilty because I can’t share it with her. I’ve taken up gardening as a hobby. It helps pass the time, it gives me a sense of responsibility, and it gives me a sense of control. I can’t control what happens to me, but I can control what happens in my burgeoning backyard garden. Except for the fucking weather. And the fucking bugs. And the fucking gophers.

I’m afraid my happiest days are behind me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again. But I know that I will be ok because I want to be. I’ll be alright. I’ll be ok.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 25, 2015 · 1:11 pm

The Best Motivational Song of all Time

Music has the power to uplift and inspire. Some songs motivate you more than others. “Eye of the Tiger” seems to get everyone riled up for instance. But the best motivational song of all time is “You’ll Have Time” by William Shatner of his album Has Been. Yes, Captain Kirk is responsible for the best motivational song. To be fair, he had some help from Ben Folds, but that doesn’t take anything away from this achievement.

“You’ll Have Time” is about accepting your mortality. Not just accepting it, embracing it. He tells you to live life like you’re going to die, because you’re going to. You don’t know how, you don’t know when, but it’s going to happen. He sings about how you might die. He sings about a bunch of people who have already died. He reminds you that they all thought they were going to live forever, but none of them did. They all died. And you will too.

Somehow he makes it a happy song. It’s morbid but humorous. It’s worth a listen, and it’s worth remembering. Live life like you’re gonna die, because you’re going to. Thanks for the advice, Bill.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 28, 2015 · 7:43 pm

My Reincarnation Plan

Reincarnation seems like a good deal. When you die you get to come back to life as another person or as an animal. It’s kind of like being immortal without the guilt of cheating death. You still die, but at least you get to live again. I’m not sure if I believe in reincarnation because I haven’t died yet (as far as I know). But I’ve decided that I would come back as a gorilla in a nice zoo if I was ever given a chance at it. It would be a pretty sweet gig I think. I would get a customized habitat with enclosed living quarters and outdoor space complete with trees, plants, and grass. I would get delicious meals served daily. I wouldn’t have to pay rent or taxes. I’d get everything for free, including health care. I would have everything handed to me. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I wouldn’t have any responsibilities. And let’s not forget the amazing breeding program they have going over there. I’m not into gorilla vag right now, but I’m not a gorilla yet. I’m sure my gorilla D would love it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 12, 2014 · 12:31 pm

Sorry For Your Lost

My friend’s grandmother passed away recently, and she posted a Facebook status about missing her grandma. The first four people to respond wrote “Sorry for your lost.” I almost threw my laptop out of the window in rage. I wanted to slap those ignorant motherfuckers… it’s “Sorry for your loss” not “sorry for your lost.” Loss and Lost are two entirely different words. You can’t just make up your own expressions or ruin preexisting ones. I know that somebody died and that I shouldn’t be correcting the grammar of strangers, but those idiots are killing the English language. If you died and your tombstone read Rest in Peas, you would probably be pretty fucking pissed off if you weren’t so dead. People aren’t immortal, but words can be. And using the wrong words to honor the deceased is insulting on so many levels. They used to say that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Fuck that, I’m through being nice. If you don’t have anything right to say, don’t write anything at all.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 14, 2013 · 10:06 am

The Sandman: Endless Nights (comic)

Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman is one of the most important comics of all time. Endless Nights is a follow-up to the acclaimed series. There are seven stories, each one focusing on one of the Endless. They are character studies of Death, Desire, Dream, Despair, Delirium, Destruction, and Destiny. There’s a different artist for each story, so each story feels more unique and reflective of the main character. On the Peninsula (Destruction’s story) might be the highlight of this graphic novel. It has amazing art by Glenn Fabry and an interesting plot about an archeologist uncovering artifacts from the future. All in all, Endless Nights is not essential reading, it has no bearing on the main storyline. It’s a way to learn more about Dream’s fucked up family and get a little more information about The Sandman Universe. So only read it if you’ve read all the other ones, otherwise you’ll be lost.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 29, 2012 · 10:20 am

The Sandman: Brief Lives

Morpheus has a unique family tree. He is one of seven siblings known as the Endless. They are the embodiments of Destiny, Death, Dream, Destruction, Desire, Despair, and Delirium. They are more powerful than gods and they each have a task to do (coincidently they have to do what their name implies). And then one day, Destruction decided that he’s had enough and abandoned his realm and his family. After 300 years, Delirium realizes that she misses she misses her older brother, thus setting in motion the events of Brief Lives.

            Brief Lives is the seventh volume of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman. It collects issues #41-49. This volume humanizes Dream more than the other installments. He’s moping and feeling sorry for himself after his girlfriend dumps him, when Delirium asks him to help find Destruction. He only agrees to go with Delirium to distract himself, and he gradually gets emotionally invested with the journey. He is changing but he refuses to acknowledge it, even when others point it out to him.

Dream and Delirium embark on one of the weirdest road trips in literary history, trying to track down characters that know where Destruction is hiding. The problem is that everyone they’re trying to track down keep getting killed, an unfortunate byproduct of Destruction’s safeguards. Dream feels regret that people have died, something he wouldn’t have felt thousands of years ago.

Dream and Delirium eventually succeed in their task and are briefly reunited with their brother and his talking dog. They shoot the shit for a while. Destruction explains why he left and why he’s not returning. They have philosophical discussions about who they are, what they represent, and if they are even necessary.

            Brief Lives showcases the unique relationships that the Endless have with each other and with us lowly mortals. Mortals die. Gods die. Even the Endless can end. We all have brief lives. Oh, I get it now. That’s clever, Mr. Gaiman. Brief Lives is another interesting and enjoyable volume of The Sandman, full of great moments and characters.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2012 · 10:29 am

First Gray Hair

I woke up the other morning and trudged my way to the bathroom to take a piss and brush my teeth. As I stood half-asleep gazing at my reflection, something caught my eye. A flash of white in the midst of my dark brown hair. I grabbed some tweezers and plucked out a tuft of hair in the offending area. There it was, a single strand of gray hair surrounded by its youthful fellow follicles. Life is full of accomplishments: learning to walk, learning to talk, first day of school, losing your first tooth, puberty, etc. Your first gray hair is not an accomplishment. It’s a reminder that you are going to die. Growing up, you assume that you are immortal, but then you see your first gray hair and reality slaps you in the face. You are getting older and older, and each heartbeat is one closer to death. Try not to dwell on it and have a nice day.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 16, 2012 · 10:07 am

Losing a Pet

Losing a pet is like losing a family member. Except your pet never judged you, talked back to you, or insulted you. They might have shat on your floor and pissed on your clothes, but they never did anything to hurt you. Unless they bit you. But I digress… losing a pet sucks. The love and bond you share with a dog or a cat is enough reason to wake up and get out of bed each day. Having something to love and care for is a reason to live. But dogs and cats don’t live that long in the scheme of things, and they die for one selfish reason or another. And it hurts, and you feel devastated, depressed, and alone. People who never lost a pet don’t know the agony. They ones who have offer you sympathy. I’d rather have my dog back.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 7, 2012 · 10:36 am

The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

If you say that you like comics and you’ve never read The Sandman, then you don’t know even what comics are capable of. In this first volume of the acclaimed series, writer Neil Gaiman introduces you The Sandman, who is also known as Dream, Morpheus, or a dozen other pseudonyms. Dream is what he sounds like, he is the master of the Dreamworld, he controls dreams, he is Dream. Not a bad gig right? Neil Gaiman blends history, myth, religion, magic, and creates one of the best works of literature of all time. Yeah, it’s that fucking good.

Preludes & Nocturnes collects the first eight issues of the series. It begins in 1916 when Roderick Burgess tries to capture Death and winds up capturing her brother Dream instead. Dream is held captive for more than seventy years. Burgess dies and his son Alex takes over holding Dream hostage. Dream is able to escape, and traps Alex in a perpetual nightmare as punishment.

Dream returns to the Dreamworld and Cain and Abel restore his health. As Dream inspects his kingdom, he finds it in shambles. That’s what happens when you neglect your kingdom for a few decades. Dream embarks on a quest for his totems of power: a bag of sand, his helm, and his ruby, which he lost while imprisoned.

Dream decides to track down his sand pouch first. He gets a little help from John Constantine. One of Constantine’s ex-girlfriends has it and eventually Dream is reunited with his magic dream sand.

Next up is the helm, and Dream finds out that a demon has it. He goes to Hell to pay Lucifer a visit and reclaim it. He has a battle of wits with the demon that currently lays claim to it. Dream is victorious and leaves Hell with Lucifer and the demons grudging against him.

The last item he seeks is his ruby, and that is the hardest one to obtain. Dream put a lot of his power into it, so much that whoever is in possession of it is more powerful than him. And a creepy little guy named John Dee has it now. You might recognize John Dee as the DC villain Doctor Destiny.

John Dee wreaks some havoc toying with the Dreamworld and disrupting the order of things. John Dee and Dream have a dual and Dream is losing when John Dee destroys the Ruby and its power is returned to Dream, making him more powerful than he’s been in centuries.

Preludes & Nocturnes wraps up by introducing Death, Dream’s punky, gothic, and attractive sister. They have a weird little family dynamic. You can tell they are siblings by the way they converse and bicker with each other. They have an interesting conversation as Dream feeds pigeons and as Death goes around collecting recently deceased souls.

Preludes & Nocturnes does a great job of establishing Dream/Morpheus as the brooding and powerful main character. You begin to understand who he is and what he is capable of. And you learn that he has a lot of flaws for a semi-deity. There are introductions to a lot of characters that have key roles in the series later on. They plant the seeds for story arcs that only become apparent as you read on.

Neil Gaiman is gearing up to take you on a great ride. He’s preparing your mind for a world where anything can happen, and by the end of this volume you are ready to embrace the world of The Sandman.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 15, 2012 · 10:13 am

Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice is the best Tim Burton movie that doesn’t star Johnny Depp. Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis play the Maitlands, and they are living in wedded bliss, but then they die, and things aren’t so great anymore. They are stuck in purgatory for 125 years and must get used to being ghosts. A New Yorker family moves into their house and they must rely on a bio-exorcist named Betelgeuse (pronounced Beetlejuice) to get rid of the Deetzes.

Beetlejuice is a classic film. Everyone has seen it at least once, and if they haven’t than they suck. Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis play an overly happy, extremely lovey-dovey couple. All they have are each other and a handcrafted scale model of their hometown. The first few scenes of the movie showcase their nearly perfect life. About eight minutes into the movie, they crash into a bridge and careen into the water. Not to ruin anything, but they die.

The movie explores the afterlife, but Death is portrayed as a bureaucracy, something you have to deal with, like going to the DMV.  The Maitlands receive a guidebook called the Handbook for the Recently Deceased. There is an afterlife waiting room with a receptionist and numerous dead employees. The afterlife reception waiting room is this movie’s Cantina scene. The Maitlands are assigned a caseworker, who offers them advice on dealing with the Deetzes, but her most important advice is to avoid soliciting help from Betelgeuse.

The Maitlands don’t like the Deetzes initially, but they gradually form a friendship with their daughter Lydia, played by Winona Ryder. She is a Goth chick and can see ghosts, because everyone knows that Goths see ghosts.

Michael Keaton plays Beetlejuice. He only has about seventeen minutes of screen time. He is not the main character; he is just the title character. There is a difference. Keaton is like Alan Rickman in this movie, he just does so much with so little. Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis do a great job, but Keaton steals the movie. It wouldn’t have been as good with any other actor.

Tim Burton movies are very distinctive. CG advancements have cheapened his vision though. Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands are his two best movies, and they were made without much computer magic. Second-rate effects don’t cheapen a movie if it is made with heart. This movie proves that.

Death is scary. This movie makes it funny. If the afterlife is half as cool as it’s depicted in this movie, I can’t wait to bite the dust. I hope death is lip-syncing Harry Belafonte songs and fighting sand worms. I’m pretty good at both already.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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