Tag Archives: text

Old Conversations

I’m moving across town in a couple of days and I’ve been going through all my crap, boxing some stuff up and throwing other stuff away. I just found a treasure trove of old conversations from my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. They were mostly printed out emails and AIM conversations with friends and ex-girlfriends. They are embarrassing to read. Everything is of the utmost importance when you’re eighteen. You live for drama. Most of the conversations are either arguments over slights I can’t remember, or me dispensing advice like I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I can’t read these old conversations without realizing that I was a naïve little bitch. I don’t think that I could be friends with my eighteen-year-old self. Now I’m older, wiser, and slightly more mature. I’m still driving the same car around though. I held on to those old conversations for more than a decade. I finally put them in the recycling bin. I don’t need to hold onto the past anymore. It’s tomorrow or bust.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Losing Your Phone

The world is a different place when you lose your phone. You have no idea how reliant you are on a miniature computer that fits in your pocket until it’s no longer in your pocket. I know this because I lost my phone on Friday night. I left it in the Uber. It was terrible, it was amateur, it was a rookie mistake. I felt like a loser in every sense of the word. I noticed something was amiss pretty quickly. I got out of the Uber, went to 7-Eleven, and patted an empty pocket on the way out the door. I sheepishly confessed to my friend that I lost my phone and I didn’t know if I left it in the Uber or at the bar. Yes, I was a little bit drunk. It was Friday fucking night, what did you expect? We called the bar but nobody had turned it in. My friend called the Uber driver and left a message. Then there was nothing left to do but play the waiting game and it was getting kind of late so I went home.

I got home and started changing all my passwords. I changed my email passwords, my bank password, and my Facebook password (ain’t no way I’m getting status hacked on top of everything else). I tried to change my Venmo account but stopped when it tried to send verification to me via text. I’m changing my password for a reason, what the fucking fuck!?!

I had to work the next morning and wake up by 8:30 am. This is when not having a phone started to become an actual burden. I use my phone for everything, including as an alarm clock. Luckily I’m a spoiled American and used my iPad as an alarm clock. I woke up Saturday morning and left to take the bus to work. I got to the stop and wanted to check the arrival time but I couldn’t because I didn’t have my phone. I waited for a while. I’m not really sure how long I waited for. I couldn’t check because I didn’t have my phone. I finally got on a bus. It was an insanely long bus ride. I couldn’t do anything to pass the time. I couldn’t listen to music, read the news, check sports scores, stalk people on Facebook, or play Trivia Crack because I didn’t have my phone. All I could do was stare out the window. Along the way I saw a group of old ladies dressed up as pirates. It was an unusual sight, even for San Francisco, so I wanted to take a picture. I couldn’t though because I didn’t have my phone.

The Uber driver eventually got in touch with my friend and he promised to bring it back. I tried to meet up with him a few times but it’s hard to communicate through third parties. I had to borrow other people’s phones to text my friend to text the Uber driver and hope that the messages got through. I finally got my phone back earlier today. The Uber driver was actually really nice about the whole thing and refused to take any cash as a reward/tip/display of gratitude or gas money.

I went through the whole weekend without my phone in my pocket. I survived but I never want to experience that kind of anxiety again. I never knew what time it was. I couldn’t GPS so I didn’t know where I was. I would occasionally forget that I didn’t have it and check my pocket, remember it’s not there, and get sad. I would feel phantom vibrations. I couldn’t call anyone, I couldn’t text anyone, I could only talk to people that were in the same room as me. I felt disconnected and alone. It was like being in a different time, a forgotten era. I don’t ever want to go back there. I vow that I’ll never be that stupid again. At least I hope I’ll never be that stupid again.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Not Knowing Who You’re Talking To

We live in an age of caller ID and ADD, so there are lots of times when you’ll end up having a conversation with somebody and you’re not quite sure who they are. I got a text this morning from a number I don’t recognize. The person mentioned that they bumped into a girl I used to work with, so I assume that it’s a coworker from the past but I have no way to be sure. I just kept on texting them back like I knew who I was talking to. I suppose I could have asked who I was talking to, but that seemed rude because this person obviously know who I was. So I just went along with it and kept asking questions about the girl the person bumped into. I had no idea who I was talking to but the person had no idea I didn’t know, so no harm, no foul. Not knowing who you’re talking to is a weird feeling, but I guess it’s better than not talking to anybody.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Planning Trying to Plan Things Via Texting

You’re kind of bored and you want to hang out with somebody. So you text your friend to see if he wants to hang out. He texts you back and says he does. You text him back and ask what he wants to do. He texts back that he’s not sure. You text back and ask if he’s hungry. He texts back and says he could eat and asks what you’re in the mood for. You text back that you want a burrito. He texts back that he had a burrito last night, but he could go for a pizza. You text back that you had pizza for lunch. He texts back to suggest Chinese food. You text back and say that Chinese food sounds good. He texts back to ask where you want to go. You text back and say that place on Fourth Avenue. He texts back to say that works. You text back and ask what time he wants to go. He texts back that he doesn’t care, he can go whenever. You text back and suggest you meet there in an hour. He texts back and says that it’s not enough time to get ready. You text back to suggest meeting in two hours. He texts back to say okay, and that he’ll see you there.

The entire texting exchange lasted over ninety minutes, when it could have taken ninety seconds if you actually called him. That’s the problem with trying to plan things via texting: it’s not convenient and it takes fucking forever. Smartphones are both a blessing and a curse. It’s really easy to stay connected but you’re not really interacting.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Unexpected Text

You’re sitting around, chilling, relaxing, whatever, and your phone buzzes. You assume that it’s your friend that you texted earlier, or maybe your mom checking in, and you’re surprised when you check your phone that it’s from a random friend that you haven’t talked to in months. The unexpected text is usually a good thing, it’s sort of compliment. I might have forgotten all about you, but you still remember that I exist and you took the time to text me. That was nice of you. It’s good to feel remembered. The best unexpected texts come from old friends trying to catch up, from friends that are randomly in town, or from pretty people that you want to do dirty things to. The worst unexpected texts come from exes, and people that you used to be friends with that don’t realize they suck. At least you can ignore them, you’re not obliged to respond to your enemies via text.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Instant Response

Very few things are more pathetic than the instant response. That’s when you respond to a text, email, phone call, Facebook post, tweet, etc. right away and it’s totally obvious that you were waiting to do so. It doesn’t impress anyone, especially the one you’re trying to impress. You have to delay your response, you gotta slow things down a little bit, you need to take your time. Cool your jets, deploy the parachute, tap the brakes. Think it through and think it out. Don’t jump, don’t pounce, definitely don’t tackle. I don’t know how else to say it, so just don’t do it. I’m talking about the internet-related instant response only. The person-to-person/comedic improvisational instant response is not only acceptable, but welcome at any time. The world always needs a laugh.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Text From a Stranger

I got a text yesterday from someone asking me if I was going to the park. I said I wasn’t planning on it. They said alrighty, and that was the end of the conversation. The only thing that bugs me is that I don’t know who I was talking to. I didn’t recognize the number and I can’t figure out who it was. I never delete texts from my phone so I was able to check my history. It turns out I had a previous conversation with that number fourteen months ago, and they asked if I was going to work that night. I can only assume that it’s a coworker that I don’t care about. But that’s only a guess. I have no clue who the real culprit is. An anonymous text is an unfortunate side effect of modern technology. Caller ID can only take you so far.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Saving Old Texts

I have a habit of saving old texts. I’m not really saving them, I’m just lazy so I never delete them. And I have an iPhone so it stores all my conversations with all of my friends. It’s like a time machine. I can see the last time I talked to friends that are no longer with us. I can see what we used to talk about and the random pictures we sent each other, and even though they’ve passed on, I can still pretend like they’re here. I occasionally glance over conversations with ex-girlfriends from time to time. They are like badly written mini romance novels… you see how the courtship started, you see it getting hot and heavy, and you see it start to falter before it explodes into a thousand pieces, and then you see the awkward transition from being in a relationship to forming a new tentative friendship. I can look up old jokes or bring up funny cat pictures that somebody sent me four years ago. I can also view the last time I talked to an old friend, it’s a reminder to keep in touch with people you can’t see everyday. Saving old texts might be viewed as hoarding to some people, but I don’t see anything wrong with holding on to memories. What we did made us who we are.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Accidental Wake Up Text

Sleeping in is nice. You get to lie in bed, all comfortable and content, drifting in and out of dreams, without a care in the world. And then the reality slaps you in the face and your phone buzzes and wakes you up. Some jerkass texted you for some stupid reason, it doesn’t even matter why. You can’t go back to your awesome dream so you’re kind of pissed before you even manage to open one eye to read the text. And no matter what the text says, it’s never worth waking up for. You might obligingly respond and tell them that you’re still sleeping before you close your eyes and try to drift off again. Inevitably they’ll text you back apologizing for waking you up, waking you up again in the process. You just can’t win and the universe doesn’t want you to.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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LOL

LOL is Internet/text speak for “laugh out loud.” You use it when someone says something funny or when you want to cover up a racist comment by pretending it’s a joke. Most of the time you aren’t actually laughing out loud when you type LOL, so you’re basically lying. Laughing is a weird thing to lie about. It makes me wonder what else you’re lying about.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Calling or Texting Instead of Ringing the Doorbell

It seems like everyone has a cellphone these days, and the lucky ones have smartphones. Everyone is constantly connected to each other with this magical technology. And technology makes you lazy in stupid ways. I’ve noticed that most people end up calling or texting instead of ringing the doorbell. A doorbell has one button that produces a buzzing or chiming noise to notify that someone is at the door. Instead of pushing one button, we now push a few buttons or type out a text saying we are outside. It takes longer to get a response, there’s more work involved, and there’s no real reason to do it. But that’s how it is now. So just embrace it and text me when you get here.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Text Argument

People butt heads. That’s what we do. We fight and argue and try to convince others that we are right and that they are wrong. And we like technology too, so we will engage in bitter battles using typed words. A text argument will have no clear winner. Each person will respond to the other person by using logic and reason, and it will dissolve into personal attacks and bringing up unrelated past events. Someone will resort to name-calling. And then shit really escalates. No one can win a text argument. But it’s fun to try.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Group Texting

There is a right way and a wrong way to send a group text. The right way to text multiple people is to write a statement: “The party is at 8 tonight at my house”. The wrong way to text multiple people is to ask a question: “Should we have the party at 8 or 10 tonight? And where should we go?”. My phone will start to blow up from all the people responding to your stupid text. You might have saved a minute by mass texting, but for the next half hour I have to deal with forty people texting me their two cents about why the party should be at the zoo at 8, or why 10 o’clock at the bar is more convenient.

Sometimes when I respond to a group text, someone else thinks that I’m texting them. They will ask what I’m talking about. Or they will ask who I am because they don’t have my number. And that’s even more stupid shit that I don’t want to deal with.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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