Tag Archives: weather

Weather Report

If I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s that you should always take the weather report with a grain of salt. You simply can’t predict the weather. The top meteorologists are wrong half the time. They always say that there will be a big storm on Wednesday, and that you should buy bottled water and cans of food and invest in umbrellas. Then Wednesday rolls around and it’s eighty-five degrees out and you kick yourself for not going to the beach. I will only trust the weather report a few hours in advance. Most of the time I just look out the window. If it looks shitty out, I’ll grab a hoodie. It if looks really shitty out, that’s when I’ll check the weather report online to see if I should bring an umbrella. I don’t need the umbrella more times than not. The weather report is simply a guess, an educated estimate, but nature does whatever it wants to do.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Nice Day in San Francisco

I’m trying to find something to write about, but it’s extremely difficult because it’s perfect outside. People shit on San Francisco’s weather. They say that it’s cold and foggy all the time. And that’s mostly true, but we do get nice days every once in a while. A nice day in San Francisco is a blessing and everyone takes advantage of it. They turn off the TV and go outside to feel the warmth of the sun. Everyone goes to the beach or to the park. They ride bikes and go for hikes. The girls wear skimpy clothes. I lived in Los Angeles, where good weather is year round and they take it for granted. They don’t care that the sun is shining. They drive to the tanning salon while blasting the air conditioner. The girls wear skimpy clothes, but that’s because they are slutty not weather conscious. They don’t appreciate good weather because they have it all the time. A nice day in San Francisco is something that you can’t afford to squander. That makes it more worthwhile.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Talking About the Weather

You know you’ve run out of things to talk about when you start talking about the weather. It means you need to try harder to make small talk. Nobody really cares if it’s hot out. They might care if it’s raining just in case they need an umbrella, but they don’t want to have a lengthy conversation about it. Talking about the weather is something that I associate with awkward conversations with forgotten relatives at a family reunion. You talk about the weather when you have nothing interesting to say. Can you honestly remember the last time you had a stimulating conversation about humidity? No, you can’t. Because it’s never happened. The only people who should be talking about the weather are meteorologists. And even they don’t talk about weather outside of work.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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“It Looks Like Rain.”

You go outside and notice that your shadow is missing. You look up and see the sun is hidden behind some clouds and the whole sky looks dark and gloomy. A storm is clearly on the way. And no matter how obvious the shitty weather is, inevitably you will hear some jackass say, “It looks like rain.” Of course it looks like rain, it’s about to fucking rain. I don’t need some wannabe weatherman stating the obvious. He’s one of those jerks who watches you play solitaire over your shoulder and tells you to move the three. He somehow thinks he’s helping you and that you should be grateful for his insightful observations. The only person who can get away with saying “It looks like rain” is an umbrella salesman making his pitch. Everyone else needs to shut the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Walking Under Awnings With an Umbrella

I was just walking to the corner store and got caught in a sudden downpour. I was unprepared with only a hoodie and no umbrella. I ran underneath an awning and started making my way down the street, going from one storefront to the next, using the narrow pathway of protection that the awnings provided. The awnings kept me and my fellow unprepared pedestrians relatively dry, but every once in a while we would have to step around oncoming pedestrians going the opposite direction and go in the rain. That’s acceptable. What’s not acceptable is having to sidestep into the rain because some asshole is walking under the awnings with an umbrella. An umbrella is a personal and portable water dispelling device that enables the user to walk in the rain freely. It’s way better than relying on storefront awnings. That space should be reserved for the unprepared pedestrians, the ones who can’t walk freely in the rain. They deserve to be dry too. Any asshole walking underneath an awning with an umbrella deserves to be beat with it, even Rihanna agrees with that.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leaving Your Umbrella Open When It’s Not Raining

It’s sprinkling off and on and the sidewalks are filled with pedestrians with umbrellas. If you’re a normal person, you open your umbrella when it’s actively raining and then you close it when the drops stop falling. But some people don’t do that. They leave their umbrella open and over their head even though it’s stopped raining. There’s no reason for leaving your umbrella open when it’s not raining. You’re obviously not paying attention to the world around you. And you’re taking up space. You’re really just failing at life on all sorts of levels now. It’s not enough to make people hate you, but they lose respect for you instantly.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lying in Bed While It’s Raining Outside

It is raining cats and dogs outside but you’re as snug as a bug in bed. Lying in bed while it’s raining outside is one of the great simple pleasures in life. You’re warm and relaxed and enjoying the soothing pitter-patter as the raindrops splash down. You know that the world outside your window is getting drenched while you remain completely dry and completely comfortable. Life is good on those wet mornings when you have no reason to get out of bed.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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