Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

SolarPuff 

 A few weeks ago I wrote an article about camping lanterns and mentioned that I have a solar powered lantern that only works during the daytime. I kind of lied. I really do have a solar powered lantern, but it really does work at night. It works really well at night in fact. It’s called SolarPuff, and it’s one of those rare Kickstarter success stories. It’s a portable compact LED solar lantern. It’s flat until you pull it open to form a cube shape. It even has a handle for your convenience. Then you press the button to turn it on. It has three settings. There’s bright, brighter, and strobe so you can get your rave on. Eight hours of sunlight is enough to provide eight to twelve hours of light. I don’t know much about the laws of thermodynamics, but I’m pretty sure that they achieved the impossible. I’m witnessing a miracle every time I turn it on. I let my roommate borrow it when he went camping and he loved it. He could not stop talking about how awesome it was. Like seriously every conversation was about how cool SolarPuff lanterns are. Morning, noon, and night he was talking about SolarPuff lanterns. He was obsessed about it. My girlfriend bought him one of his own to shut him up. He sits in his room basking in its glow every night, murmuring under his breath all the perks and benefits of the solar inflatable light cube known as the SolarPuff. 

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Fake Sneeze

 Are you bored right now? Well, I have a little trick to entertain yourself. Pour some water on your hand or stick it under the faucet for a second. Then find somebody that’s not looking at you, creep up behind them, pretend to sneeze while shaking the water off your hand onto the back of their neck. Hilarity ensues. They will think that you sneezed on them. They either get really mad or figure out that you duped them. Nobody wants to be sneezed on so they will be quite relieved that it was only a fake sneeze. They might even join you in your laughter. Or they might punch you in the face. It’s comedic gold no matter what. And yes, I have faked quite a few sneezes in my day. I haven’t gotten punched yet, but I’ll admit that I deserve it when it finally happens. And I just wrote about fake sneezes, I must be getting desperate for things to blog about. Fuck. 

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Buying New Clothes Instead of Doing Laundry 

 I was facing a rather serious dilemma couple of days ago. I was running out of clean underwear and didn’t have time to get any laundry done. I don’t have a washer and dryer in my apartment, so I can’t just throw in a load at night and get it in the morning. I have to go to the laundromat and I didn’t have two consecutive hours to spend waiting for my clothes to go through. So I stopped by the mall after work and bought some boxers, enough to last me for a week until my next day off to do laundry. That was my first time doing that. It was a weird experience. Buying new clothes instead of doing laundry made me feel lazy and wasteful, but also like a rock star. Fuck washing those soiled drawers, I’m just gonna put on a fresh new pair. That’s the American way. I’m still going to do laundry every couple of weeks, but buying new clothes is always a decent backup plan. I should spice up my wardrobe anyway. 

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Creaky Floorboards 

 I like my room. It’s big, I have a walk in closet, it has three windows, and there is enough space to do all kinds of activities. But it has creaky floorboards. And I have downstairs neighbors. So sometimes I feel bad when I walk around. And I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t have to feel bad about walking around in my room. After all, it’s my fucking room. I can walk around if I want to. I still try to be courteous though. I kind of know the spots on the floor that creak and I try to avoid stepping on them. I also try to take off my shoes when I come home and walk softly. But there’s no stopping creaky floorboards, they’re going to creak. That’s what they do. They are fucking creaky floorboards. You just gotta deal with it and hope that your downstairs neighbors can too. They can always retaliate with thumping the ceiling with a broomstick if need be. Don’t feel too bad.  Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Tim Lincecum 

 I was born and raised as a San Francisco Giants fan in the suburbs of the city by the bay. I was a kid during the Barry Bonds era. I saw him hit home runs and steal bases and intimidate pitchers and lead us all the way to the World Series, only to suffer a devastating loss to the Angels and that damn Rally Monkey. I remember the hurt and pain of having a championship slip through our fingers. I knew that I would never take it for granted if we finally won one.

 Flash forward a few years to 2007, and I was moving into San Francisco after a brief stint in Los Angeles. I was back home where I belonged and the Giants were waiting for me. Things were a little bit different this time around. The Barry Bonds era was ending and an exciting new player was emerging. It wasn’t a slugger this time around. It was a pitcher… A scrawny white kid with a crazy delivery and lights out stuff. Tim Lincecum had arrived. 

 I watched as this kid (only a few months older than me) dominate. His fastball, his delivery, his casual attitude. He was a strikeout machine, he won games, he made hitters look foolish, and he smoked weed. He was cool as fuck. He won the Cy Young Award in his first full season. He won it again the very next year. He was The Freak, he was The Franchise, he was the future, and he proved it in 2010, when he lead us to the World Series. This time we won it. We did the impossible. And he was the biggest part of it. And I didn’t take it for granted. I celebrated. I cheered. I yelled. I even skipped work and went to the victory parade.

 Over the next few seasons, his velocity dropped, his command waned, and he was no longer immortal. He made mistakes and his ERA skyrocketed. But he still got the job done, any way that he could. He came out of the bullpen to help secure more World Series victories is 2012 and 2014. He didn’t always have his stuff, but he still managed to pitch a couple of no-hitters in 2013 and 2014. He never stopped fighting, he never stopped smiling, and we loved him for it.

 Injuries shortened his 2015 season and the Giants didn’t resign him. It turns out that baseball is a business after all. He started 2016 without a team to pitch for. He had a showcase in May that was enough to generate interest from a couple of MLB teams, and he ended up signing with the Angels and that damn Rally Monkey. He has yet to make his debut with them, and it’s going to be weird seeing him in a different uniform. He won’t be wearing the orange and black anymore, but he will always be a Giant. And unlike panda hats, his jersey will always be a welcome sight at AT&T. 

 Thank you, Tim. Thanks for representing the Giants in four All-Star games, for winning three World Series Championships, for the two Cy Young Awards, and your two no-hitters. You helped turn our team into a dynasty. It’s players like you that make me proud to be a Giants fan. Good luck with your new team, but I hope that you go into the Hall with SF on your cap.

 Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Push-Ups

 I don’t go to the gym. I don’t really work out. The only thing I do is sixty push-ups every day and that seems to be enough to keep me in shape. Why sixty? Because I used to do fifty and that started to become too easy, so I stepped up my game. I’ll step it up again soon in the near future and start doing seventy push-ups a day. But it’s sixty push-ups for now. Push-ups are a great exercise. They work out your chest, shoulders, arms, and core. You won’t get ripped, but you will get cut. You can do them anywhere, at any time, and you don’t have to pay any gym fees. It’s a solid workout that won’t leave you sweaty, and it only takes a few minutes to do. There’s really no reason not to do push-ups. Summer is coming quickly. Start doing push-ups now and you won’t be too embarrassed to take off your shirt at the beach. I’m not going to tell you how to do push-ups. You can watch instructional videos on YouTube if you want to see how to do them. There are different styles and techniques. I’m sure you’ll find one that works for you. Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Going Slow in the Fast Lane

 I don’t like it when I get stuck behind somebody that is going slow in the fast lane. It’s called the fast lane for a reason. You’re supposed to go fast in it. It’s the passing lane. Slower traffic should stay to the right. I thought it was common sense but apparently some people didn’t get the memo. I’d say that you should be going at least ten miles per hour above the speed limit to be using the fast lane, and you should get out of the fast lane if you see that there are others that want to go faster than you. If you’re going seventy-five miles per hour and see a guy going ninety, get out of the fast lane to let him pass, then get back in the fast lane and follow his lead. Let him do the major speeding so a cop pulls him over instead of you in a speed trap. I’m not encouraging you to speed. I’m saying that you should stay the fuck out of the fast lane if you don’t speed. Going slow in the fast lane is like killing yourself by a subway train: you’re wrecking other people’s commute because you hate your life. Don’t be so selfish and stay out of the fast lane. Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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People Who Always Sleep Through Their Alarms

I know a few people that can sleep through anything, including their alarm clocks in the morning. The alarm will go off and they won’t even notice. It will keep blasting and blaring until someone else snaps and wakes them up. I had quite a few roommates that were deaf to their alarms. I remember one who was downright terrible about it. His alarm would go off and would be going for ten minutes straight. It was super loud too. I was able to hear it through in my room down the hallway with the door closed. He would lie right next to it completely oblivious. I used to wake him up until I got sick of it after a few weeks. I started unplugging his alarm clock and let him sleep through and miss whatever event he set his alarm for. I wasn’t going to fall victim to his alarm clock every morning. What the fuck is the point of setting an alarm if you’re just going to ignore it? Why should others have to suffer? Especially that early in the morning before I’ve had my coffee. It’s not right. If you don’t deserve an alarm, please don’t set one. Hashtag, just sayin’.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Scaring Someone

I consider myself something of a trickster. I like playing pranks on people. Scaring someone is an easy and cheap way of entertaining yourself. All you need to do is sneak up on somebody who’s not paying attention. You creep up behind them and say “BOO!” Then you laugh as they jump and curse you for scaring them. Alternatively you can hide from view and then pop out at them. Remember to say “Boo!” It’s always funnier when you say “Boo!” when you scare them. It’s cliché, but it’s cliché for a reason. People like to be scared. They won’t admit it to save face, but you’re doing them a favor by scaring the shit out of them so don’t feel bad. It helps to hone their reflexes and could potentially save their life someday. The next time that you’re bored and need something to do, consider scaring someone. It will be well worth it, I assure you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Decompression Day

I went on a weeklong road trip vacation to Los Angeles and Santa Barbara with my girlfriend. It was a long trip that involved Disneyland, California Adventure, Universal Studios Hollywood, camping, my cousin’s wedding, me meeting my girlfriend’s parents, and her meeting practically my whole family at the wedding. Vacations should be relaxing, and this one had a lot going on, so we decided to cut the trip short and come home a day early. It was a good call. We needed a decompression day. It would have been too hard to come home from a road trip like that and immediately go back to work the next day. Everyone should schedule a decompression day to mark the end of an extended vacation. It gives you a little bit of time to reflect on your trip, unpack, do laundry, and catch up on Netflix. It’s like a vacation from your vacation. Get on it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Creature Comfort Vending Machine

I went to work with a slight cold the other day. I had a tickle in my throat and was coughing every now and then. I asked around for a cough drop but nobody had any. That gave me an idea for a creature comfort vending machine. Instead of being stocked with drinks and snacks, it would be stocked with items like cough drops, aspirin, vitamins, Band-Aids, little tubes of toothpaste, travel-sized sticks of deodorant, pocket tissues… basically a vending machine like a pharmacy without all the pills. It would be quick and convenient and you wouldn’t have to explain your purchases to a judgmental cashier. I think there would be a lot of demand for such a machine. In fact, I know it’s a good idea because they already invented it. I only found out when I searched for an image to use. I’m too lazy to write a new blog post, so let’s just pretend that they stole my idea. The creature comfort vending machine: coming soon to a break room near you.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Slowly Realizing That You’re Sitting Next to a Homeless Guy

I took the train to work the other day. It was in the middle of morning rush hour so the train was pretty crowded. I spotted an empty seat, sat down in it, and considered myself lucky. At least at first. It only took me a few minutes to acknowledge that there was a pungent smell creeping into my nostrils. Something wasn’t right. Something wasn’t right at all. I glanced at the dude next to me. I noticed his ragged jeans, his stained shirt, his overstuffed backpack, and his well-worn sleeping bag. I sat down right next to a homeless guy. I chose the wrong seat. I sat there and suffered for a few minutes until I was able to slink into another empty seat. I sat there and watched a few more people make the same mistake. I left my headphones at home; I had to entertain myself somehow. Slowly realizing that you’re sitting next to a homeless guy is not a good way to start your morning. You know that you’re groggy, but now you have proof that you’re unprepared for the world. You weren’t paying attention to your surroundings. Now you have to deal with it. Ahh, the joys of public transportation.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Campfire Smell

I went camping in Yosemite a week ago. It was a short trip, only three days and two nights in one of the most amazing places on Earth, but it was well worth it. I came back with dirt on my face and the lingering aroma of campfire on my clothes. It smelled smoky, musty, and real. I love that campfire smell. It’s a noseful of happy memories that cling to your clothes and hair. It’s very distinct and powerful. It’s not an odor for everyone. Some people hate that campfire smell. Those people are usually bitter and should leave the great outdoors for people who actually appreciate it. I don’t want to smell like campfire all the time. I want to smell like that when I’m camping or when I just came back from camping. Occasionally I will have a bonfire on the beach and go the bars after, sporting the campfire smell like a badge of honor. I’m not ashamed of reeking like a campfire. If I smell like a campfire, that means I was around a campfire. And I’d rather bask in the glow of a campfire than the glow of a TV. I’d rather live than merely exist I guess.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Camping

I’m going camping in Yosemite for a few days with a couple of friends. I can’t wait to escape the city and get back to nature. I’m going to turn off my phone and go completely off the grid. Facebook can wait until I come back. Camping is when you deliberately choose to sleep outside somewhere in nature for recreational purposes. Occasionally you build a fire and roast wieners over it. Or s’mores. I was brought up camping and so I’ve accumulated a lot of supplies over the years. I have a tent, down sleeping bags, a backpacking stove and fuel, a water filter, flashlights, multi-tools, knives, rope, duct tape, first aid kit, matches, lighters, compass, magnifying glass, a metal spork/bottle opener… I’m pretty much prepared for the zombie apocalypse so camping is a piece of cake. Everyone should go camping at least once. There will be bugs and dirt. Don’t be alarmed. That’s normal.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Seat Scurry

I was waiting for my train at a busy stop, jostling against the other commuters and vying for a position that would best ensure me a seat. The train pulled up slowly, the doors opened, a few people got off, and then the seat scurry began. A seat scurry is a frenzy of angry commuters looking for a spot to sit. You’ll mostly witness it during rush hour, but it could also happen whenever there are too many people waiting at one spot. Everyone feels like they are the ones who are most entitled to a seat and they will shove other people out of the way to get one. It doesn’t matter if you’re pregnant, disabled, or old. If you can’t get to a seat, you aren’t getting one unless somebody takes pity on you. And people are assholes so nobody will take pity on you. Common courtesy is long gone. Chivalry is dead. Manners are extinct. Nowhere is that more apparent than during a seat scurry.

Critically at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Riders board through the back door of 38 Geary bus during afternoon rush hour. 05/08/12, Market and Post

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Spare Toothbrush

I brush my teeth at least twice a day because good hygiene is important and bad breath is gross. I have a toothbrush that stays in my bathroom. That’s my main toothbrush. I use it when I wake up and I use it before I go to bed. But I also keep a spare toothbrush in my work bag that’s saved me a few times, like when my roommate is hogging the bathroom and I’m trying to leave the house. Sometimes I’ll crash at a friend’s house instead of going home after a late shift and my trusty spare toothbrush is always there to keep me feeling fresh and clean. And sometimes I get the urge to brush after lunch just in case there’s anything stuck between my teeth. A spare toothbrush is almost as important as your main toothbrush. So you should get one if you don’t have one. Maybe get a little tube of toothpaste to go along with it. A toothbrush without toothpaste is pretty pointless.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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That’s Right, I’m Never Wrong

I was having a casual argument with my girlfriend the other night (the kind where you bicker back and forth mostly out of boredom rather than anger), and I finally caved in and relented, giving her the victory and telling her that she was right. She responded by saying, “That’s right, I’m never wrong.” I responded by laughing and writing that down. That’s right, I’m never wrong. It has a certain poetry to it. It’s certainly a paradox. It’s a contradictory statement that’s both false and true. I’ve dubbed it the girlfriend paradox because she doesn’t have to be right in order to win the argument.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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