Tag Archives: clothes

Pockets

Being a man in today’s society has a lot of perks. I’m not trying to be sexist. I’m just stating a fact. We have pockets. Men’s clothing has real, fully functional pockets. That’s a huge advantage. Women’s pockets are mostly decorative, and as a result they are stuck lugging around a large external pocket that they call a purse to carry all the stuff they need day to day. Some might be able to use the butt pocket on their jeans to hold their cellphone if they’re lucky, but the other pockets are pretty much useless. It’s a novelty if they have an article of clothing with a working pocket. They show it off to all their friends, “Look! A pocket!” Meanwhile I have a pocket for my phone, a pocket for my keys, a pocket for my wallet, and I have a lot more pockets to spare. That’s just my pants. If I throw on a jacket, I’ll have even more pockets. Guys have so many pockets that there are multiple industries competing for pocket space. We have pocket knives, pocket watches, handkerchiefs, hell, we can even play pocket pool.  The Battle of the Sexes is finally finished. We have pockets. You don’t. Game over.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Throw It All in the Same Dryer

 I do laundry a little bit different than other people at the laundromat. I separate my clothes into black and colors and put them in different washing machines like how I’m supposed to, but I’m a bit of a rebel when it comes to drying them. I throw it all in the same dryer. It says wash separately. It doesn’t say anything about drying separately. So I toss all my clothes in the same dryer. It saves me time and quarters. I haven’t noticed any ill effects on my wardrobe. My black shirts are still black. My blue jeans are still blue. My underwear still has shit stains but that’s a different story. I don’t see anything wrong with it so I’m gonna keep on doing it. You should do it too. I don’t want to be the only one. I hate being alone.  

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Buying New Clothes Instead of Doing Laundry 

 I was facing a rather serious dilemma couple of days ago. I was running out of clean underwear and didn’t have time to get any laundry done. I don’t have a washer and dryer in my apartment, so I can’t just throw in a load at night and get it in the morning. I have to go to the laundromat and I didn’t have two consecutive hours to spend waiting for my clothes to go through. So I stopped by the mall after work and bought some boxers, enough to last me for a week until my next day off to do laundry. That was my first time doing that. It was a weird experience. Buying new clothes instead of doing laundry made me feel lazy and wasteful, but also like a rock star. Fuck washing those soiled drawers, I’m just gonna put on a fresh new pair. That’s the American way. I’m still going to do laundry every couple of weeks, but buying new clothes is always a decent backup plan. I should spice up my wardrobe anyway. 

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Crayon In My Laundry

Today was the first day off in a few weeks where I had the chance to do laundry. I took all my dirty clothes to the laundromat, plunked down a few quarters, and started to wash them. I came back after thirty minutes to throw my clothes into the drier. As I was transferring my clothes from the washer to the drier, I found a piece of a yellow crayon. I tossed it away and didn’t think much of it. I came back thirty minutes later to get my clothes and that’s when I discovered that remnants from the yellow crayon had survived the transition from the washer to the drier and melted onto a bunch of my shirts, jeans, socks, and boxers. Melted yellow crayon looks a lot like mustard stains in case you were wondering. It looks like I got in a fight with a hot dog and got my ass kicked. It’s fucking bullshit. I don’t even know where that fucking crayon came from. Who carries around yellow crayons? I’m a little placated because I also found a twenty-dollar bill in the wash. But twenties don’t remove crayon stains so I’m still pissed off. Hashtag first world problems.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting a New Stain Right After You Did Laundry

You’ve been putting off doing laundry for a few weeks until you finally crack and drag your dirty clothes to the Laundromat. You spend a few hours and a few quarters cleaning your clothes, and you feel accomplished and proud when you finally finish. You decide to celebrate your laundry victory by wearing a warm, clean shirt straight from the dryer. You’ll be wearing that shirt for about ten minutes before you dribble coffee down the front. Getting a new stain right after you did laundry is inevitable. The universe always knows when you’ve done laundry, and the universe will try to rectify the situation by getting your clothes dirty again. The universe wants you to waste quarters.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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