Tag Archives: outdoors

Camping

I’m going camping in Yosemite for a few days with a couple of friends. I can’t wait to escape the city and get back to nature. I’m going to turn off my phone and go completely off the grid. Facebook can wait until I come back. Camping is when you deliberately choose to sleep outside somewhere in nature for recreational purposes. Occasionally you build a fire and roast wieners over it. Or s’mores. I was brought up camping and so I’ve accumulated a lot of supplies over the years. I have a tent, down sleeping bags, a backpacking stove and fuel, a water filter, flashlights, multi-tools, knives, rope, duct tape, first aid kit, matches, lighters, compass, magnifying glass, a metal spork/bottle opener… I’m pretty much prepared for the zombie apocalypse so camping is a piece of cake. Everyone should go camping at least once. There will be bugs and dirt. Don’t be alarmed. That’s normal.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Stanley-lake-camping-Credit-Carol-Waller-2011

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Uploading Pictures Of Yourself Camping

The whole point of camping is to get away from it all. Away from city life, away from technology, away from your cell phone. You should be chilling in the woods, sitting around a campfire, telling stories and making jokes. You should be living. Why the fuck are you taking picture of yourself camping and uploading it to Facebook? I’m not opposed to taking pictures of the campsite or the views or having fun. That’s totally fine. I’m against taking a picture and instantly uploading it. You’re not camping if you don’t have a signal, you’re just a hipster in the woods. Put down the phone and look at a tree. You came out to nature to experience nature, not to add another hashtag to your resume.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sleeping Bag

A sleeping bag is a bag that you sleep in. You use them when you go camping or have a sleepover. It’s essential camping gear. Most of them roll up or get stuffed into another bag. I don’t know what you call the bag for the sleeping bag, but there has to be a name for it. Quality sleeping bags are made of down or synthetic insulators to keep you warm in freezing temperatures. You can’t climb Everest without a sleeping bag. Mummy sleeping bags are the best because they provide the most protection from the cold. The second best one is the Star Wars Tauntaun sleeping bag, because that’s the best idea for anything ever.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Poison Oak

Nature wants to kill you and poison oak is proof. Most of the US has to deal with poison ivy. I’m from California and we have poison oak. It’s pretty much the same thing: an innocent looking plant with leaves in clusters of three that produces an oil that irritates your skin. If you get the oil on your hands, anywhere you touch will get an itchy and painful rash. Irritation is kind of an understatement; it can make your scrotum shrivel up to resemble a prune. I once had it so bad that I couldn’t even run in P.E. class. It’s pretty frightening when your junk’s all shriveled and chafed and covered with red blotches. And it’s one helluva humiliating excuse note. Poison oak is nature’s way of keeping you on trails while hiking and from shitting in the woods at night. Respect nature. Treasure your junk.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Fall Foliage

One of the best parts about autumn is seeing the leaves change color. Not only is fall foliage an amazing sight, it’s also fun to say. Not everyone can say it right. It’s always fun to be able to point a finger and laugh at someone’s stupidity. Some people are really into fall foliage; it’s almost like a fetish. They will go on vacation and drive hundreds of miles out of the city to look at leaves. They take lots of pictures and they comment to each other about how beautiful the leaves are. They are fucking leaves. Humans are weird animals.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Walk in the Park

I am lucky enough to live next to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, one of the best parks in the world. It’s bigger than NYC’s Central Park. That means it is better. Popularity and politics aside, if you are lucky enough to live close to a park too, I suggest that you take some time and enjoy a walk in the park. You’ll experience fresh air and sunshine. You’ll see birds and squirrels and trees and flowers and be reminded that Nature is a real thing and not just something you see on the Discovery Channel.

It’s good to be out in open space, standing on grass and dirt rather than concrete and trash. Sometimes you forget about nature when you live in a city. A walk in the park makes you remember that your roots are in caves, not in cubicles. And going outside is free entertainment. Appreciate it and take advantage of it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Climbing a Tree

If you’re bored and on a budget, go climb a tree. Climbing a tree is fun and free, it’s good exercise, it’s non-polluting, and makes you feel like a kid. It’s good to release your inner child from time to time. Hoist your way up, look for sturdy limbs and branches, and make sure to watch out for bugs and angry squirrels and mama birds protecting their nests. Climb as high as you can go and look down on the people walking by with disdain. Enjoy your temporary treetop sanctuary, for you are safe from the world. Worry about how to get down later.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sticks

I like being outside. I like camping and hiking and tromping through the woods. I know that I’m still a little kid at heart because I like to pick up sticks. And my imagination soars when I have that piece of wood in my hand. Sometimes it’s a magic wand and I gotta fight Voldemort. Sometimes it’s a sword and I gotta fight Captain Hook. Sometimes it’s a light saber and I use it to stab George Lucas for habitually ruining Star Wars. I like to break them. When I’m camping I’ll bust out my pocketknife and carve one. Occasionally I throw a stick for a dog or a toddler to run after and fetch. I’m not too good with kids, but they seem to love that game.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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The Zombie Apocalypse

I can’t wait for the Zombie Apocalypse. It is the ultimate Darwin test. When the zombies come you have to have a game plan. I’m pretty sure every guy has a plan thought out. I’m pretty sure my plan is better than yours.

We can all agree that food and weapons are the priority. Maybe making sure your family is ok, but if zombies appear and you aren’t within earshot, I’m just going to assume that you are dead. If we meet again, that’s cool, but protecting my ass takes priority over making sure you’re all right. When the zombies first show up, I’m heading straight for the sporting goods store.

The first thing I would grab guns and ammunition. Shotguns and handguns primarily, but a rifle with a scope is also acceptable. Those are good for practicing zombie headshots. After the guns and ammo you need a crossbow or two and a bunch of extra arrows.

After I grab a few weapons I would head over to the backpacking supplies. Weapons are the initial priority because now you can scare off all the other looters who might get your supplies. I would grab all the backpacking food that they have. They are practically indestructible, they last a long time, they have all the nutrients that you need, they are pretty portable, and they are easy to make, and I can’t cook for shit. While in the backpacking supplies section, make sure you grab water bottles and water filters. You can run from zombies forever but you can’t live 3 days without water. Trail mix and Power Bars are always good too.

Get a tent, a sleeping bag, cookware, a lighter, a flint, matches, fishing gear, a first aid kit, walkie-talkies, a survival kit with a whistle, a glow stick, a hammock, and a Leatherman. Swiss Army Knives will let you down; make sure you get a Leatherman. I know this is the zombie apocalypse and not a camping trip, so you can grab a machete too if it makes you feel better. Make sure you get a shovel. They are a decent weapon, and you’ll need it to bury your companions as they inevitably start dropping off.

In almost every single zombie apocalypse scenario the survivors drive around everywhere. They constantly have to worry about fuel. They always forget about bikes. They are quiet, reliable, and never run out of gas. And you can grab one at the sporting goods store that you’re currently raiding. Make sure it has rugged tires and good shocks. See if they have a bike trailer too so you can haul your gear around.

Now that you have the essential supplies, you can start recruiting people to create a new society. You want a doctor, a chef, a hunter, an architect, carpenter, and a lawyer. Every full moon you kill the lawyer. And then you replace him. Just like real life. If you can find a katana, take it. There is no better time than a zombie apocalypse to rock a katana.

Most people would go to major cities or find a secure building like a prison. I would go to the woods and build a camouflaged tree house city. Zombies can’t climb trees, and most people don’t look up. Imagine Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and the Ewok village. Now imagine zombies. Now imagine all the shit that I took from the sporting goods store…. Pretty damn secure, right? Out in the woods you are naturally more secluded. You would be able to hunt and maybe even grow and maintain a small farm or garden.

Of course there are a few flaws with my plan, but there are risks with associated with every conceivable scenario. It’s important to have a plan thought out, but you also need to be able to change it at a moment’s notice. You have to be ready for anything and adapt to any new challenge. What would you do? Where would you go first? What do you think is essential? What is your short-term plan? What is your long-term plan? I want to hear your ideas and steal from them.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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