Tag Archives: floor

Creaky Floorboards 

 I like my room. It’s big, I have a walk in closet, it has three windows, and there is enough space to do all kinds of activities. But it has creaky floorboards. And I have downstairs neighbors. So sometimes I feel bad when I walk around. And I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t have to feel bad about walking around in my room. After all, it’s my fucking room. I can walk around if I want to. I still try to be courteous though. I kind of know the spots on the floor that creak and I try to avoid stepping on them. I also try to take off my shoes when I come home and walk softly. But there’s no stopping creaky floorboards, they’re going to creak. That’s what they do. They are fucking creaky floorboards. You just gotta deal with it and hope that your downstairs neighbors can too. They can always retaliate with thumping the ceiling with a broomstick if need be. Don’t feel too bad.  Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Sleeping on a Deflated Air Mattress 

I spent last weekend sleeping on my friend’s air mattress in San Diego. It wasn’t a very good air mattress. It had a hole in it. It was a pinhole leak so the air would slowly seep out during the night. I’d fall asleep in relative comfort, only to wake up a few hours later sprawled out painfully on the floor, at which point I’d have to reinflate the air mattress. Luckily it had an electric pump so I didn’t have to use any lung power. Sleeping on a deflated air mattress is like trying to relax on a sinking ship while pretending nothing is wrong. Sooner or later you’ll have to deal with the problem or else you will drown. Or have a sore back in the morning. Either way it’s going to suck. I don’t recommend sleeping on a deflated air mattress. I’d rather sleep on the couch, in the car, or even on the floor. At least you don’t end up on the floor when you start out on the floor. 

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

  

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Old Person Falling

One of the saddest things you can ever witness is an old person falling. When I was eleven years old my grandma was reaching for something on her dresser and she fell out of her wheelchair. I was the only other one home at the time and wasn’t strong enough to lift her up. She had to stay sprawled out on the floor while I went next door to find a neighbor to help. The worst part is how embarrassed she was. She was completely helpless and she knew it. It’s gut-wrenching to live your whole life independently and suddenly becoming reliant on other people. All you can do when an old person falls is to help them and hope they aren’t hurt. Their pride is always damaged. Treat them with dignity and respect while you console them. You could be the one lying on the floor someday.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

360_fallen_elderly_0522

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Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Hot Lava Game

The Hot Lava Game is a children’s game where you pretend that the ground is made of hot lava. Obviously you can’t step on the ground or you will be burned. You can play it indoors on a rainy day, or outside on a playground when the weather is permitting. The rules are simple. You have to stay off the ground by any means necessary. For example: Start by getting off the ground and stand on the couch. Then jump to a chair. Then leap from the chair to the table. Then go from the table to the kitchen counter. Continue on. Just don’t touch the floor. That’s how you play Hot Lava. It’s a slower, tamer, and less glamorous version of parkour, and you’re far more likely to piss off Mom, but it’s a classic game and there are a million variations to it. All are acceptable as long as you don’t touch the floor. I can’t stress that enough.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Lava 1

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Hiding Puke With Newspapers

I got on the bus the other night, found an empty seat, and sat down. It only took me a few moments to realize that something was wrong. For starters, the ground around my seat was covered with newspapers. It wasn’t just a newspaper that some asshole left on the bus that happened to fall off the seat. The papers were all jumbled and spread out, they covered the entire floor. And I noticed some chunky liquid seeping up through the papers… somebody threw up and used newspaper to cover it up. I got up and found another seat, one that was puke-free. And then I saw a lady sit down in the puke seat. I should have said something to her, I could have warned her, but something told me that she deserved to sit there. Something about her demeanor lead me to believe that it was karma. She didn’t seem like a very enjoyable person. So I let her sit with her feet in a pile of puke for the duration of the ride. I got to my stop, walked by her towards the exit, told her about the vomit, and jumped off the bus while she hurriedly moved to another seat. People throw up on public transportation all the time, and hiding puke with newspapers seems like the easiest way to deal with the problem. Just cover it up and pretend like nothing happened.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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