Tag Archives: fire

Campfire Smell

I went camping in Yosemite a week ago. It was a short trip, only three days and two nights in one of the most amazing places on Earth, but it was well worth it. I came back with dirt on my face and the lingering aroma of campfire on my clothes. It smelled smoky, musty, and real. I love that campfire smell. It’s a noseful of happy memories that cling to your clothes and hair. It’s very distinct and powerful. It’s not an odor for everyone. Some people hate that campfire smell. Those people are usually bitter and should leave the great outdoors for people who actually appreciate it. I don’t want to smell like campfire all the time. I want to smell like that when I’m camping or when I just came back from camping. Occasionally I will have a bonfire on the beach and go the bars after, sporting the campfire smell like a badge of honor. I’m not ashamed of reeking like a campfire. If I smell like a campfire, that means I was around a campfire. And I’d rather bask in the glow of a campfire than the glow of a TV. I’d rather live than merely exist I guess.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Smoke Detector

A smoke detector is a device that you’ll find in most homes and businesses. It’s called a smoke detector because it detects smoke, and when it does it lets out a shrill sound to alert you to any potential fires. Smoke detectors were designed to save lives and they have saved thousands of lives. I don’t have any numbers or statistics on how many lives are saved by smoke detectors every year, but I assume that it’s a few hundred. That sounds reasonable to me. You probably have a couple of smoke detectors in your house. Half of them probably don’t work. That’s because they run on 9 volt batteries instead of a direct electrical current. Whenever the battery gets low, the machine starts beeping and chirping to remind you to put in a new battery. But you don’t have any 9 volt batteries lying around, only AA and AAA batteries like normal people. So you take out the battery just so it stops beeping and you can finally experience some peace and quiet. After a while you forget about it. Then you’re fucked if your place ever does catch on fire. Oh well, you had a good run.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bonfire

It’s not officially summer yet, but I went to a bonfire the other day so it might as well be. Bonfires are one of my favorite things in the world. I love sitting around a fire talking and laughing with good friends, a cold beer in my hand and a joint in my mouth, watching the flames crackle and the wood burn for hours and hours. It’s better than any TV show or movie ever could be. Time slows down, conversations are more real, and the only responsibility you have is throwing the occasional log on the fire to keep it going. It’s impossible not to be content. I’ve never experienced a bad bonfire. Bonfires stay with you. They linger. Literally. The smoke clings to your clothes and they smell like a campfire until you wash them. I went to grab a slice of pizza after I left the bonfire the other day and everyone in the shop knew that I went to a bonfire. And they were jealous. And hopefully they were inspired to have a bonfire of their own. It’s subliminal advertising at its finest.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Zippo

A Zippo is a name brand metallic lighter. It’s famous for being windproof and reusable. It’s not really windproof, but it will typically ignite even if there’s a gust of wind. I can spark it when I’m walking or riding my skateboard (and that’s pretty impressive). A regular BIC lighter wouldn’t do that. A BIC lighter is cheap, plastic, and disposable. But Zippos are for life. You just have to refill the fluid every few weeks and change the wick and the flint every so often. Zippos are a popular collectible/souvenir. They have thousands of different designs and colors, but they all distinctly Zippos. You can tell a Zippo by its shape, metal design, and solid construction. The sound of a Zippo is as recognizable as it’s shape. The lid is on a hinge that opens and closes with a satisfying clink. Zippos are fun to play with. There are a bunch of tricks for sparking them, and you look like a badass when you pull it off cleanly. Zippos are best used for lighting cigars and cigarettes. I wouldn’t recommend it for smoking weed. You can taste the lighter fuel and it’s not pleasant.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Candles

Billions of people rely on candles every day, from Amish families using them for light, to people celebrating their birthdays, to desperate guys attempting to be romantic. There’s no denying the staying power of flammable wax sticks. Candles used to be a necessity, one of the few ways to ward off the darkness. Now candles are almost a novelty. You mostly find them on birthday cakes and in private bathrooms. Scented candles are good for mood lighting and masking that weird smell in your room. And they are handy in emergencies. Now you can see in the dark and smell good at the same time.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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You Gotta Keep an Eye on Your Lighter

There’s an endless debate between people who just smoke weed and people who just smoke cigarettes about which is better. One thing that they can both agree on is that you gotta keep an eye on your lighter. People will ask for a light and slip it in their pocket without even realizing it. It’s your lighter, you have to stay vigilant and know who borrowed it last. That thing can start a forest fire, you have to be responsible for it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Fire

Man likey fire. Man likey fire for warmth. Man likey fire for light. Man likey fire for cook cook. Fire is like nature’s robot. Man wants to treat it like a tool. We think that we can harness it and control it, and then nature decides to show us up and release fire’s full power upon us from time to time. Fire is Skynet. Humans are ignorant and can pretend that we are in charge of fire, but then a wildfire will break out and destroy thousands of homes and displace thousands and thousands of people. That’s not a joke, it’s tragic when thousands of people are suddenly uprooted because of a natural disaster. We use water and fire everyday in our homes, but flashfloods and wildfires destroy lives. We can use nature to our benefit, but we are at its mercy.

Humans could not have advanced as far as we have without being able to create fire. But we will never be able to control it. We can practice fire safety and light fires in designated spots like in a fireplace or in a fire pit. Smokey the Bear can tell you to give a matchbook or a lighter to an adult. We can have fire extinguishers and alarm systems in place but if a fire breaks out that shit will spread like an STD from Lindsay Lohan (coincidently, she is a firecrotch).

Fire is comfort though. It’s seductive. There’s nothing like a romantic evening by the fire. The right usage of candles can get anyone laid. Some of my best memories are sitting around campfires or bonfires with a few close friends and a good girlfriend. Watching the flames sputter and crackle is hypnotic, therapeutic, and surprisingly entertaining.

Sitting by the fire will make you contemplate things… like is fire a solid or a liquid? It’s neither, it’s an endothermic reaction and I don’t need Wikipedia to tell me that. Sorry, I just wanted to show off my Cash Cab skills. I also know that lighters were invented before matches. That’s worth a few bonus points.

Fire is awesome. It is hot, dangerous, and unpredictable, just like me. It plays by its own rules, just like me. You have to respect fire or it will bitchslap you in the face, just like me. You have to love and hate it and embrace it and fear it simultaneously, just like Justin Beiber. Fire makes hot dogs taste better and keeps monsters away. Fire is essential and it affects us every day, for better or worse. Fire. Fire. Fire.

Critically Rated at 17/17

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