Tag Archives: seat

April 19, 2016 · 8:53 pm

Slowly Realizing That You’re Sitting Next to a Homeless Guy

I took the train to work the other day. It was in the middle of morning rush hour so the train was pretty crowded. I spotted an empty seat, sat down in it, and considered myself lucky. At least at first. It only took me a few minutes to acknowledge that there was a pungent smell creeping into my nostrils. Something wasn’t right. Something wasn’t right at all. I glanced at the dude next to me. I noticed his ragged jeans, his stained shirt, his overstuffed backpack, and his well-worn sleeping bag. I sat down right next to a homeless guy. I chose the wrong seat. I sat there and suffered for a few minutes until I was able to slink into another empty seat. I sat there and watched a few more people make the same mistake. I left my headphones at home; I had to entertain myself somehow. Slowly realizing that you’re sitting next to a homeless guy is not a good way to start your morning. You know that you’re groggy, but now you have proof that you’re unprepared for the world. You weren’t paying attention to your surroundings. Now you have to deal with it. Ahh, the joys of public transportation.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2016 · 3:18 pm

Seat Scurry

I was waiting for my train at a busy stop, jostling against the other commuters and vying for a position that would best ensure me a seat. The train pulled up slowly, the doors opened, a few people got off, and then the seat scurry began. A seat scurry is a frenzy of angry commuters looking for a spot to sit. You’ll mostly witness it during rush hour, but it could also happen whenever there are too many people waiting at one spot. Everyone feels like they are the ones who are most entitled to a seat and they will shove other people out of the way to get one. It doesn’t matter if you’re pregnant, disabled, or old. If you can’t get to a seat, you aren’t getting one unless somebody takes pity on you. And people are assholes so nobody will take pity on you. Common courtesy is long gone. Chivalry is dead. Manners are extinct. Nowhere is that more apparent than during a seat scurry.

Critically at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Riders board through the back door of 38 Geary bus during afternoon rush hour. 05/08/12, Market and Post

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June 15, 2014 · 10:28 am

Seat Hopper

A seat hopper is a person who can’t sit in one spot for more than a few minutes. They are usually creepy old guys on the bus. I saw one the other day. I was on the bus going to work and the bus was about half full so there were plenty of available seats to choose from. An old Asian guy came on, glanced at all of the open seats, and chose the seat right next to me. He saw there for a minute or two, but then he got up at the next stop, moved across the aisle, and sat down next to a young college chick. I wondered if I caused him to move by neglecting to put on deodorant or something, until he got up at the next stop, moved back across the aisle, and sat down to the guy sitting right in front of me. A few stops later he got up and went to a different spot. It was around that time that I realized that he was just a weirdo with a penchant for seat hopping. I watched him move to three more seats before he finally got off. I can only assume that he went to find another bus to sit in more seats. I think that he’s harmless, but he’ll be my top suspect if I ever sit in anything sticky on the bus.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 7, 2014 · 8:39 am

Pouring a Soda On a Seat

            I live in San Francisco and I see something crazy every time I leave the house. The other day I was on the train heading to work and I saw a thuggish-looking guy on the row of seats across from where I was sitting. He was eating some fast food and sipping on a soda. I’m guessing he didn’t like his soda choice too much, because I saw him take off the lid and dump the entire soda onto the seat next to him. I couldn’t help but glance at the guy. He saw me look at him. He flicked his straw at me and it landed near my feet. He smirked at me, I went back to looking at my phone, and then he got up and hopped off the bus at the next stop. I can only assume that he was trying to frame me for the mess he made. I’ve seen a lot of crazy people doing crazy things, but pouring a soda on a seat was a new one. I don’t know why he did it. There doesn’t seem to be any logical reason for it. He could have thrown the soda into the trash. He could have poured it on the ground. Instead he poured it onto a seat. There’s no method to his mayhem.

            Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 6, 2014 · 11:31 am

Sitting On The Cooler

I spent last Sunday watching football at my friend’s house. It was a playoff game, and we had about twenty people crammed into a living room. Every single seat available was taken. Every spot on the couch was occupied, every folding chair was claimed, and a few people had to stand or sprawl out on the floor. One of our friends arrived too late to grab a seat, so he improvised by grabbing the cooler and using it as a seat. He thought it was a good idea, but he very quickly realized that he made a mistake. He would have to stand up every time somebody wanted another beer. And people tend to drink a lot of beer while watching football. He had to get up every couple of minutes whenever somebody was thirsty. He eventually got so annoyed that he ended up sitting on the floor next to the cooler. The cooler seat is the last place you want to sit at party or get-together. You won’t be able to sit comfortably for an extended period of time and that’s the hallmark of any good seat. Avoid sitting on the cooler. It seems like a good idea, but it’s you’ll end up regretting it every time.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 17, 2013 · 11:18 am

Ask Before You Take a Chair

I was at the bar the other night (surprise, surprise) with some friends. There were about eight of us, so we grabbed a table inside and established our territory. Half of us got up to grab a few pitchers from the bartender, and I was one of the people that stayed behind to watch our stuff. And it’s a good thing that I was there, because another group showed up and took over the table next to us. And one bitch from that group started taking away the unoccupied chairs from our table. She didn’t even ask, she just started dragging them away. I actually had to stand up and block her path and ask her to stop stealing our chairs. I believe my exact words were: “Um, excuse me, can you please stop taking our chairs?!? We have more people at the bar.” She heard me, but I don’t think it registered through her abnormally thick skull. Another guy in her group had to tell her to give them back. It could have been a situation at that point if he hadn’t intervened. And it could have been easily avoided if she just asked before she started taking them. You should always ask before you take a chair. It’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s weird when someone is completely ignorant of social customs. You can’t just swoop in and grab whatever you want. The world doesn’t work like that.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 23, 2013 · 10:00 am

Blocking the Window Seat

Some people don’t grasp the fact that public transportation is for the public. That means lots of people ride it and everyone has to deal with each other. There are certain rules and customs that people abide by so that they don’t kill anyone. For example you shouldn’t sit in the aisle seat if there’s nobody in the window seat. The first person to sit down in each row should take the window seat. You’re an asshole if you’re blocking the window seat. You’re trying to keep personal space for your selfish self at the expense of the little old lady who is now forced to stand. You’re not making things any more convenient for yourself either. If the bus is crowded someone will tap you on the shoulder and ask to sit down. And you’ll have to get up and move when they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting there because your stop is coming up. Get up and wait by the fucking exit then. There’s no excuse for blocking the window seat. It’s even worse to sit in the window seat and block the aisle seat.  You’re just an asshole. Accept it or change your ways.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 13, 2012 · 9:52 am

Seat Backs

You’re at a party or a bar and you’re one of the lucky ones to get a seat. You don’t have to stand around drinking your beer like an animal. But then nature calls and you have to go to the bathroom. Before you leave it’s vital that you say “Seat Backs.” You don’t want to get into a dispute over a chair, but friendships have ended for that very reason. People will claim ownership over anything and fight to defend it. There are many variations on seat backs. Different people call it different things but the meaning is the same. If you call dibs on your chair, that is your chair. You can go to the bathroom and come back to reclaim your seat. The important thing is that other people hear you when you call seat backs. Nobody will believe you said it if they didn’t hear you say it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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