Tag Archives: fruit

Avocado

I’m from California and that means I like avocados. The avocado is king in California. People pay ten bucks for avocado toast. They will spend two bucks to add two slices of avocado onto their burger. If they had avocado milk people would buy it. California is crazy for avocado.

I’m going to name some fun avocado facts for you. The avocado you’re most familiar with is the Hass avocado. Who is Hass? I don’t know, but he’s immortalized through his namesake avocado. Some people call avocados alligator pears. I wish we all did. Avocados should have gone extinct alongside megafauna after the last ice age. Animals like the giant ground sloth would eat the fruit and poop out the seed. A mound of ground sloth poop makes for great fertilizer, ensuring the growth of a new avocado plant. Humans developed a taste for the avocado and decided to keep it around.

Finding the perfect avocado is an art form. They are notoriously fickle fruits. Sometimes they aren’t ripe and are hard and inedible. Sometimes they are overly ripe and become brown and mushy and gross. But the perfect avocado deserves to be praised and enjoyed. You could eat it plain, but if you add some salt, pepper, and a squeeze of lime you’ll be in heaven.

You might think I’m eating an avocado as I write this but you’re wrong. I’m just craving a good avocado. I went on a quest to find one. I went to five produce stores within a three block radius and couldn’t find an adequate avocado. Avocado season is over. I might as well go into hibernation. Wake me up when it’s 2019 and avocados are back.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Chia Sweet Peach

Chia Sweet Peach is a chia and juice smoothie from Naked. Chia is the trendy new superfood these days. Yeah, it’s the same chia you know and love from Chia Pets. Only this time it’s in a smoothie, 10,000mg of it, along with peach juice, orange juice, mango juice, and apple juice. It’s delicious, fruity, and healthy for you. It’s great breakfast beverage. And it helps to eliminate hangovers. You know you’re not going to stop drinking, so at least be prepared by keeping one of these in the fridge. You’ll thank me when you wake up with a throbbing head.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Nectarines Are Just Bald Peaches

Some people think that nectarines and peaches are different fruits. Some people even think that nectarines are a hybrid fruit crossbred from peaches and plums. Some people are ignorant and shouldn’t be on your team for Trivia Nights. The truth is that nectarines are just bald peaches. Really. They are the same species. Peaches have the dominant gene for fuzzy skin while nectarines have the recessive gene. Patrick Stewart also has the recessive gene. Peaches get all the glory because they have fuzz. Nectarines are neglected. Like your personal hygiene.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Don’t Go Down the Aisles at the Grocery Store

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but Americans are fat. Not all of us, but more than half of us are, and that makes us a nation of fatties. There’s no denying it. It’s a fact. We are fat because we eat like shit. We eat processed foods and preservatives, we guzzle soda like it’s water, and we consider ketchup to be a vegetable. But there’s an easy solution to avoid getting thunder thighs or an extra chin: don’t go down the aisles at the grocery store. What a simple but brilliant concept. Think about it, everything that is bad for you is in the aisles: cookies, junk food, canned goods, TV dinners, soda, all that hoopla. But if you just stick to the perimeter you’ll get all the essentials like fresh veggies, fruit, bread, milk, cheese, eggs, meat, fish, and all the stuff that you really need. Hell, even beer, wine, and hard alcohol are usually around the perimeter… like I said, all the essentials. Avoiding the aisles is an easy way to eat healthy. Remember that the next time you go shopping.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Limes

Limes are a small green citrus fruit. They grow on lime trees. They have a bitter, acidic flavor that goes well with a lot of food and drinks. It’s a staple ingredient of Thai, Vietnamese, Indian and Mexican cuisine. Limes are also extremely popular in bars. A margarita without a lime wheel is not a margarita. A gin & tonic without a lime garnish is unacceptable. A Corona without a lime wedge is downright blasphemous. It’s not a tequila shot without licking salt and biting a lime. Limes are a great source of Vitamin C, so you should always order drinks with a lime garnish at the bar. Who knew that preventing scurvy could be so much fun?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pomegranates

Pomegranates are a delicious and healthy fruit. They look like an orange-reddish bulb.  You peel it open to reveal hundreds of small seeds inside. The small seeds are what you eat, you throw away the rest. A major downside to pomegranates is that it’s a bitch to get the seeds out. You have to cut and peel and pop them out. Pomegranates are a mystery fruit. You can’t tell how good the seeds are until you open it up. There’s nothing worse than seeing a bunch of white kernels or brown rotten seeds. On the other hand, a perfect pomegranate is better than… I don’t know. They are fucking really good though.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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