Tag Archives: pedestrian

Standing in the Middle of the Sidewalk 

Few things annoy me more than people standing in the middle of the sidewalk. There is no reason to stand there. If you want to check your phone, or glance at a map, or smoke a cigarette then go right ahead, but make sure you’re out of the way. You don’t need to obstruct the sidewalk. A sidewalk is like a road for pedestrians. You wouldn’t park your car in the middle of the street. That would be stupid. People will honk at you and crash into you. You would pull over into the shoulder and stay out of the way. So if we could all just do that on the sidewalk too that would be great. 

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bad Walkers

I cruise around the city streets on my longboard almost every day, and I’ve noticed that there are a lot of bad walkers out there. I mean some people just don’t know how to walk. They can’t keep a steady pace, they constantly speed up and slow down. Some can’t walk in a straight line. They will weave from side to side like a drunk at last call. Some people hear my wheels clacking behind them and they will freeze in place like a deer in headlights. Do you know what happens to a deer in headlights? It gets hit by the fucking car. Don’t be a deer in headlights. Don’t freeze in place when you see a skateboarder. I guarantee that the skateboarder already saw you and has adjusted his path to avoid hitting you. 

I see lots of tourists stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to gawk at buildings or look at a map. They don’t seem to realize that they are blocking the flow of pedestrian traffic. And they will give me a dirty look for calling them out on it. I’m not being an asshole, I’m trying to change thier stupid habits and save the world. If you want to walk around in my city, you should know how to fucking walk. Keep a steady pace, hold a straight line, and move with deliberation and intent. Slower traffic should stay to the right side. Waking isn’t that hard. Babies can do it. I know you can too.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Suddenly Stopping While Walking

I live in a major US city with a lot of famous landmarks and points of interest. That means our sidewalks are littered with tourists who see nothing wrong with suddenly stopping while walking to take a picture or admire the scenery. They will be walking at a brisk pace and then stop instantly in the middle of the sidewalk without any warning or indication. You’ll plow right into them if you’re not paying attention. Then the idiot will glare at you and act like it’s your fault that you ran into them. They don’t seem to realize or care that they are the one at fault. They don’t know how to walk, but you’re the one to blame somehow. You shouldn’t be allowed to walk if you have the habit of stopping suddenly. It’s dangerous and stupid. It’s like slamming your brakes on the freeway. You deserve to be crashed into. It’s what you get for being dumb.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pedestrian Racing

Pedestrian racing is when you try to outwalk the other pedestrians on a crowded sidewalk. It’s human nature to compete with each other and you might not even be aware that you’re doing it, but the truth is that you’re constantly pedestrian racing. Watch any city sidewalk during rush hour and notice how everyone is racing each other, trying to get to their destination slightly faster than everyone else. You walk at a normal pace on an empty sidewalk, but you increase your stride with each additional pedestrian. You walk around old people and people talking on their phones and tourists taking pictures. You speed up and walk past slow-moving families and try to keep pace with the businessman rushing to a meeting. You don’t want anybody to walk faster than you. You want to be the best. Keep racing pedestrians and one day you could be.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Jaywalking

Jaywalking is when somebody crosses the street recklessly or illegally. Back in the day, jay meant an inexperienced person. So you’re a bad walker if you’re jaywalking. You should work on that. If you go to any major city you will see some asshole running across four lanes of traffic instead of using the crosswalk. Jaywalking is against the law and dangerous. Pedestrians get hit by cars and splattered all the time. I know that jaywalking is a little bit of a thrill, but it’s not worth it. It doesn’t save you that much time and it’s a stupid thing to get a ticket for. You should go to YouTube and watch Russian dash cam videos if you want to see professional jaywalkers in action. Those fuckers are crazy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Double Pressing the Pedestrian Crossing Button

I had to cross a busy street today, so I sauntered over to the crosswalk and hit the pedestrian crossing button and waited for the light to change. Barely two seconds after I hit the button, another guy walked up and pressed the button again. I don’t know why he had to hit it too, he just saw me fucking press it. Maybe he assumed that I didn’t do it right and doesn’t trust my pressing technique. Maybe he’s just really good at pressing buttons and he has to show off his skills to random strangers. No matter what, there’s no point in double pressing the pedestrian crossing button. It’s not going to make the light change faster and it’s going to make whoever pressed it first resent you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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People Who Don’t Know How to Walk

Walking isn’t that hard but a lot of people can’t do it. I’m not talking about the crippled or handicapped or crawling babies. I’m talking about the idiots on the sidewalk that can’t walk in straight line or keep a steady pace. You have to walk with intention, with purpose. You can’t just be zigzagging your way down the sidewalk, stopping or slowing down to look at your phone. Hang up and fucking walk, damnit. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and repeat until you’re at your destination. And remember that there are other people trying to use the sidewalk too… Joggers, skaters, and dog walkers all want to use the sidewalk and they are probably faster than your slow pedestrian pace, so try to stick to one side of the sidewalk and don’t get distracted by a shiny mailbox and suddenly veer from your course without looking around first. Just because you’re on the sidewalk doesn’t mean there isn’t traffic and obstacles to pay attention to. Be aware of your surroundings and stay out of my way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Riding Your Bike on the Sidewalk Next to the Bike Lane

The sidewalk of a major city can be a pretty dangerous place. You have a lot of pedestrians and joggers and skaters and dog walkers and vendors and tourists all fighting for some sidewalk space. And then you’ll also have stupid bikers cruising along the sidewalk mere feet away from the fucking bike lane. I seriously have to refrain myself from shoving a stick through their fucking spokes. You have your own designated lane, a safe haven, a pathway created especially for you and your fucking glorious bicycle. Instead you’re riding your bike on the sidewalk right next to the bike lane. It’s a safe bet to say that you failed at life. You’re the type of person who drives with the left turn signal on for miles on end. You just don’t get it. I know that it might be scary to ride on the street next to the fast, loud and shiny cars, but that’s what you’re supposed to fucking do. So fucking do it. Bikers always bitch about sharing the road but then they try to steal the sidewalk.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting Up For Your Stop Too Early

You’re on the train or bus heading for your destination and you know that your stop is coming up. In fact, it’s the next stop. So you ding the dingy and get up and shuffle towards the door. But then the vehicle stops at a light or yields for a pedestrian and you’re stuck standing awkwardly by the exit. The clock keeps ticking and seconds turn to minutes and you realize you got up too early. You glance back at your seat and a stressed-out guy in a business suit has already taken it. You were too anxious and karma kicked you in the ass this time. The only thing you can do is act like you meant to get up, like you wanted to stretch your legs or be polite or some other nonsensical reason. Nobody buys it. You fucked up and everyone else knows it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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