Tag Archives: slice

Cutting Pizza with Scissors

There are a few ways to cut a pizza. Some people opt for a pizza cutter, a device made for the sole purpose of cutting pizza. Some people us a sharp knife (sharp knives are much better than dull ones). My grandma was a rebel and didn’t play by the rules. She would cut pizza with scissors. It worked and it worked well. She could cut a pizza faster and more precisely than any other grandma in the neighborhood. She never got any recognition for her contributions to the pizza cutting world, but I’m fighting to preserve her culinary breakthrough. I want people to know that cutting pizza with scissors is not only an option, it’s a viable one. Try it the next time you cook up DiGiorno. It might change your life.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cutting the Cake

So it’s your birthday and it looks like someone bought you a cake. It says “Happy Birthday,” it has your name on it, and it has more candles than you would like to see on it. You think of a wish, you blow out all the candles, then you pluck out the candles and lick the frosting off of them, and then it’s time to cut the cake. Cutting the cake is the least fun part of the cake experience. It’s actually work. You have to cut a slice, plop it on a plate, and hand it to somebody. Then you cut another slice, plop it on a plate, and hand it to somebody else. Then you cut another piece, plop it on a plate, and hand it to another person, but that person doesn’t want too much frosting so you have to cut another piece with less frosting and you serve them that. And then somebody else wants a corner slice. And somebody else only wants half a slice. And somebody else wants a slice with blue frosting. You’re over it after cutting five or six slices. Everybody’s too demanding and nobody is satisfied. Let them cut their own fucking piece. It’s your birthday; you shouldn’t have to do anything.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Youngcakecutting7a

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Cold Pizza

Devouring a slice of cold pizza is the best way to declare to the world that you just don’t give a fuck. Pizza is delicious no matter what. It’s pretty hard to fuck up a slice. You pretty much have to burn your DiGiorno or drop it on the ground to make it inedible. Pizza is preferably served hot or at least lukewarm, but sometimes a slice of cold pizza hits the spot. Greasy, cheesy bread really can be served at any temperature and be a delicacy. Cold pizza is a great example of how versatile the Italian pie can be. Plus any meat topping is a bonus. Extra points for sausage.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Favorite Moment of The Simpsons

The Simpsons has been on the air for 24 seasons and counting, there have been millions of great jokes and gags over the decades. But one gag stands out above all the others. Way back in the seventh season there was an episode called “Marge Be Not Proud.” Bart gets caught shoplifting at the Try-N-Save and Marge is hurt and disappointed and gives Bart the cold shoulder, leaving him out of family activities. He comes downstairs and sees everyone drinking hot chocolate. Marge hands him a cup but there’s no marshmallow in it. When he asks about it, Marge says that he’s old enough to put the marshmallow in himself. So he picks up a marshmallow, drops it into the cup, and it instantly expands and absorbs up all the hot chocolate. He turns the mug over and it slides out and plops down on the table. He didn’t just fail, he failed spectacularly and he knows it. He dejectedly begins carving into it while Grampa eagerly asks for a slice. It’s completely absurd. It doesn’t make any sense. And it makes you want a hot chocolate marshmallow slice too. I still laugh out loud every time it pops into my head. It sums up The Simpsons style of humor wonderfully. And it reminds you that the seventh season happened a long time ago.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Slice of Pizza

It’s late at night, the bars are closing and your stomach is growling. It’s time for a slice of pizza. You don’t want a whole pie, you just need a slice and you need it now. A slice of pizza is a godsend when you’re drunk and starving. You’ll stumble into a small pizza shop and see a bunch of pizzas with an assortment of toppings bathing under the warmth of a half dozen heat lamps. Now you have choices…. A meat combo or a veggie combo or pepperoni with mushrooms? Decisions, decisions. You order a slice, they pop it in the oven to reanimate it, you add some pizza peppers and Parmesan cheese, then you take a bite and you’re in heaven. A slice of pizza is the perfect way to wrap up a night on the town.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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