Superman for All Seasons

If you’ve never read a Superman comic before, start with this one. Superman for All Seasons is a character study of who Superman is and what he represents. This isn’t an origin story. It doesn’t go into Superman’s alien past and how he came from a dying planet and all that hoopla. Jeph Loeb’s story is about Clark Kent leaving home and facing his destiny as Superman. Tim Sale’s incredible artwork brings a sense of grandeur and makes the icon more iconic.

There is no central narrator. Each season has it’s own narrator with their own view on Superman and/or Clark Kent. It’s kind of like Citizen Kane; you get a sense of the man through other people’s opinions of him. The first season explored is Spring. Jonathan Kent narrates as Clark Kent is on the verge of graduating from high school, and Clark is trying to cling on to memories but knows that he can’t stay in Smallville forever. Jonathan is worried about Clark’s powers and what he will do with them, but one day Clark saves a guy’s life and decides that saving people will be his calling. The boy becomes a man and goes to Metropolis to start his new life as Superman.

Lois Lane narrates the Summer story. Her perfect reporter world was turned upside down by the arrival of the Man of Steel. She’s still trying to grasp the fact that things have changed, that a man can fly, that the old rules don’t apply anymore. Superman saves Metropolis and Lois from a nuclear missile and submarine attack, because he’s Superman and that’s what he does. He feels lonely and homesick so he goes back to visit Smallville and is dismayed at how it doesn’t feel the same. Martha Kent reminds him that’s what happens when you grow up and to shut up and go back to Metropolis. He gets back just in time to save a lady from a fire and he scolds Lex Luthor’s flying soldiers for almost killing her.

Lex Luthor is the narrator for the Fall season. He is in love with Metropolis and doesn’t like the new guy who also calls it home. He hatches a plot to make Superman leave. It involves poisoning the citizens of Metropolis and making Superman come to him for help. Lex finds the lady that Superman saved from the fire in Summer, and brainwashes her into becoming Toxin. Superman goes to confront Lex, but time is of the essence, so he takes Toxin and they fly around spreading the antidote. And then Toxin suddenly dies and Lex manipulate Superman into thinking it was his fault that Toxin dies. Superman gets all sad and goes back home to Smallville.

It is now Winter, and Lana Lang takes over the narrating duties. Lana reveals that she wanted to marry Clark, but had to let him go be Superman. Clark and Lana spend some time together catching up and reliving old memories. They walk around Smallville, feeling nostalgic about being home again. There’s a huge flood that threatens the town and Clark comes to grips that he is Superman and that he has to do something because that’s what Superman does. The flood is a wakeup call and Clark goes back to the city and accepts his life as Superman.

This is not an exciting comic. There’s not much action scenes. It’s a reflection on who Clark Kent is and why he does what he does. It’s about the impact of Superman, about how he affects other people and what he means to them. The story is great and the art is amazing. There are several pictures that take up two whole pages, showing Clark and Jonathan gazing at a sunset or Superman flying heroically across the sky.

Superman for All Seasons is required reading for a Superman fan. It’s worth reading even if you don’t like Superman. It’s a coming-of-age story, it’s about finding your place in the world. Everyone can relate to that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Stepping in Shit

If you spend enough time walking around, you’ll eventually step in a pile of poop. There’s no avoiding it, it’s going to happen to you. Stepping is shit is not a big deal. Hopefully, you’ll notice the feeling of feces on your feet before you track it everywhere. You’ll try to scrape off most of it with a stick and you move on with your life. You’d prefer to have stepped in dog shit, but sometimes you’ll step in people poo. That’s the worst feeling in the world. Especially if you’re barefoot.

Critically Rated at 1/17

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Batman: Haunted Knight

Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale are reunited yet again for another Batman graphic novel. Haunted Knight is actually a collection of three short stories, all of which take place on Halloween night. The title is a pun, he’s a haunted knight and the stories take place on a haunted night. That’s clever; see what they did there?

The first story is called Fears and it’s about Batman facing his fears. He has a showdown with the Scarecrow and gets trapped in a giant corn maze and he almost goes crazy. But then he doesn’t and he escapes the maze because he’s the goddamn Batman.

The second story is called Madness. The Mad Hatter kidnaps James Gordon’s adopted daughter. The Mad Hatter has a twisted tea party with kidnapped kids and it’s up to Batman to stop the madness. There’s a parallel storyline involving a young Bruce Wayne and his pre-murdered mama reading Alice in Wonderland to him on a rainy day.

Ghosts is the final story and it’s a spin on A Christmas Carol. Bruce Wayne gets visited by the ghost of Halloween past (she looks like Poison Ivy), the ghost of Halloween present (he looks like the Joker), and the ghost of Halloween yet-to-be (and this ghost is a dead, decomposed Batman). The ghosts teach Bruce not to let Batman take over his life.

There is no sense of continuity between the stories. In fact, you’re not even sure when they take place. It must take place after the events of The Long Halloween storyline because Two-Face is referenced, but before Dark Victory because there is no mention of Robin. And they take place over three years because there are three Halloweens and there’s only one Halloween per year. I might have to double-check my math, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.

The Long Halloween is awesome. Dark Victory is still good, but not as great as The Long Halloween. Haunted Knight is just lazy. Loeb and Sale make great comics, but even they are susceptible to making shitty ones. This is their Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You wanted to like it, you tried to like it, but they did everything they could to fuck it up and they succeeded in making it suck. It’s not terribly bad. It’s just soul-crushingly disappointing. There are a million better stories out there, and this collection is not necessary.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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Hand Sanitzer

Hand sanitizer is a foam, gel, or liquid that you put on your hands to kill germs, viruses, and bacteria. It’s a quick way to make sure you won’t get Ebola before eating. Some people are germaphobes and are constantly sanitizing their hands. The more you use it, the less effective it gets, so don’t use it every five minutes. Some people use it as an excuse to avoid washing their hands with soap and water. The end result is a germ-free hand that still looks fucking filthy. Hand sanitizer doesn’t kill dirt.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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The Lion King

The Lion King is one of the best animated films of all time. It is Disney’s best Pixar-less movie. It’s about a lion named Simba, and Simba is in line to be the king of the Pride Lands. Instead his uncle murders his father and takes over the throne. Simba must avenge his father and assume the throne, but first he runs away to live with a warthog and a meerkat and eat bugs.

The story starts with Mufasa and Sarabi celebrating the birth of their baby by having a monkey dangle him from a high rock over hundreds of wild animals. The baby is Simba, and one day he will be the Lion King, but for now he’s just a curious cub. He spends his days frolicking with and getting beat up by his friend Nala. His uncle is evil and wants to be king. His name is Scar and he has a scar. The writers either ran out of African names to use or just got really lazy. Either way, Scar keeps trying to kill Simba and/or Mufasa (whichever comes first). One day, after Simba and Nala barely escape Scar’s hyena henchmen, Mufasa tells him about the circle of life, how one day he will die and Simba will become king, and a bunch of other life lessons.

Scar eventually succeeds in killing Mufasa, and he makes Simba think that it was his fault. Simba decides to run away instead of dealing with his problems. Simba almost dies but he gets saved by Timon and Pumba. Timon is a sarcastic meerkat and Pumba is a stupid, smelly warthog. They decide to take in Simba and they teach him about Hakuna Matata and how to live a carefree life.

Simba grows up with them, but he can’t forget his past. One day, his old pal Nala shows up on their turf looking for food. Simba and Nala are ecstatic to see each other again and sparks fly. Nala is surprised to learn that Simba is still alive, and Simba is surprised to learn that Scar has taken over the throne and the kingdom is suffering. Nala tells Simba to get his shit together and claim the crown that’s rightfully his. Simba still thinks that he killed his dad and doesn’t want to go back and deal with his inner demons.

But then he talks to a monkey and a cloud that looks and sounds like his dead dad and he decides to go back. Timon and Pumba decide they have to help their friend and they hitch a ride back with Nala.

Simba confronts Scar and finds out the truth about Scar killing his dad and Simba learns it wasn’t his fault. Stuff happens and Simba emerges victorious and becomes the Lion King. And then he and Nala have a baby lion and the circle of life goes on.

If you haven’t seen The Lion King in a while, it’s worth revisiting. The plot is clichéd and tired and not at all unique. But it’s the characters and the dialog and the songs that make this a classic. The opening sequence sucks you in, and you know that you’re going to experience something special in this film. There are a lot of animal puns hidden in the dialog and song lyrics. Tim Rice and Elton John’s songs are great and enhance the movie, along with Hans Zimmer’s score.

The voice cast is pretty impressive. Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Matthew Broderick play young and old Simba. James Earl Jones plays Mufasa, Rowan Atkinson (A.K.A. Mr. Bean) plays Zazu, Jeremy Irons plays Scar, Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella play Timon and Pumba, and Cheech Marin and Whoopi Goldberg play hyenas. They originally wanted Tommy Chong to play one of the hyenas. Cheech and Chong in a Disney movie? There would have been way more jokes about the grasslands, that’s for sure. We missed out.

This is an awesome movie and it’s like a time machine that takes you back to when you used to watch it as a kid. You remember where you watched it, who you watched it with, you remember singing those damn songs, and trying not to cry when Mufasa dies.

This movie doesn’t have a great story. But it has great moments. It has great music. It has a great cast. It has great visuals. When you add those attributes up, it makes The Lion King better than what it should be. It’s now one of those movies that you have to see. If you haven’t seen The Lion King people look at you funny. No childhood is complete without seeing this movie. If you haven’t seen it by this point, you are probably going out of your way to avoid it, and that’s sad because you deserve a childhood.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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Self-Seaters

If you go to a restaurant that has a host stand and you don’t go to the host stand, you are a stupid piece of shit. I’ve been in the service industry for a few years, and I still get amazed at how dumb some people are. If I see you seat yourself, I’m going to make you move. I know that you’re hungry. That’s why you came into the restaurant. And I know you don’t want to wait because waiting sucks. But if you don’t know to go to the host stand, then you probably don’t know how to tip either. So fuck you and get out.

Self-seaters like to choose the dirtiest table available, and then they’ll flag down a server or busser and ask them to clean the table off. And the employee will refer them to the host stand with a fake smile. And they will lie and say that the host sat them there. And the employee will know you’re lying because they don’t have any menus and hosts don’t seat parties at dirty tables. And so they will refer the self-seaters to the host stand again, this time without a smile.

I don’t even understand how someone thinks that it’s ok to just sit down and expect service. If you go to McDonald’s and just sit down at a table, you’re never gonna get a Big Mac. Go to the host stand or go to hell.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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Batman: Dark Victory

Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale reunite for the sequel to Batman: The Long Halloween. Both The Long Halloween and Dark Victory take place in the same canon as Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One. Gotham City is in the midst of a transition from crime families to masked freaks taking over the criminal underworld. To make matters worse, a new serial killer is in town, and he’s targeting cops. If that wasn’t enough, Bruce Wayne takes in a young orphaned circus acrobat named Dick Grayson.

The story picks up a few months after the events of The Long Halloween. There’s a new district attorney called Janice Porter, Sofia Gigante has taken over the Falcone Crime Family, Batman and James Gordon are still distraught over the whole Harvey Dent-turning-into-Two-Face incident, and a mass breakout at Arkham Asylum only makes matters worse. Not only does Batman have to deal with the warring crime families, but there’s a whole bunch of villainous freaks that he has to contend with too.

Alberto Falcone a.k.a. the Holiday killer is released and allowed to serve the remainder of his sentence in house arrest under the supervision of his brother, Mario. Alberto starts to hear the voice of his dead father telling him to return to his murderous ways and become Holiday again.

Shortly after Alberto’s release, Gotham City cops start being killed on a holiday each month. The killer leaves behind a hangman riddle on it, and the riddle is always on a document associated with Harvey Dent.

Naturally there are two main suspects as to who the Hangman killer is. It is either Harvey Dent, because everything is related to him, or it could be Alberto Falcone, because all the murders are happening on holidays. Or it could be someone else entirely. Just saying.

The personal lives of the main characters are shattered. Bruce Wayne/Batman is more isolated and alone than ever before. James Gordon has been promoted to Commissioner but at the expense of his marriage. Both men miss their friend Harvey Dent and still feel betrayed by him.

While dealing with a mafia war and a bunch of freaks, Bruce still finds time to go to the circus. But it’s not a fun night because a gangster ends up killing two trapeze artists to send a message to the circus owner; in the process Dick Grayson ends up orphaned. Bruce Wayne takes him in because he feels responsible, obligated, inclined, whatever, to take care of this young kid and teach him to hate the world and fight crime in an elaborate costume.

This comic feels like a continuation of The Long Halloween in a lot of ways. The plot is very similar. A guy is killing people on holidays and Batman has to find out who, and at the same time he has to deal with gangsters and mobsters and villainous freaks. The twist is that this time, the killer is killing cops and not mobsters. And then they tacked on a Robin origin story to spice things up.

Batman has to decide which side Catwoman is on and if she’s trustworthy again. He has to fight the Joker again. He has issues with Two-Face again.  The Scarecrow shows up. And Solomon Grundy. And the Calendar Man. And the Riddler. And a few more. It’s easy to mix up plot points between The Long Halloween and this story. It doesn’t feel as much like a continuation as much as a rehash. It’s good, but it’s not as good and nowhere as original. It’s worth reading. It’s not the best Batman story, but it’s one of the better ones.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Clipping Your Nails Too Short

You can either bite your nails or clip them to keep them short and maintained. Biting is messy and people judge you if they see you doing it, so it’s better to use nail clippers to trim them. Just be carful you don’t get carried away. Clipping your nails too short can hurt and feel uncomfortable, especially on your toes because you have to wear socks and shoes. It feels like someone is stepping on your toes all day long. And nails take forever to grow, so sometimes it sucks for a while. Clipping nails is like drinking, you have to know your limit or you’ll regret it the next day.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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Losing the Cap to Your Toothpaste

Oral hygiene is essential, both for your health or if you want to get laid. It’s important to have fresh breath and little plaque. That’s why a lot of us use toothpaste. When combined with a toothbrush, toothpaste fights cavities and brightens your teeth. You’ll brush once or twice a day, every day and every week of every year for your whole life (at least if your mom raised you right). So it’s inevitable that you will end up losing the cap to your toothpaste. Sometimes the cap falls in the toilet or on a tainted spot on the ground so you have no choice but to get rid of it. Sometimes the fucking cap just goes missing without any trace. Maybe someone stole it to drive me crazy. There’s nothing you can do about it. If it goes missing, you just have to deal with capless toothpaste. They don’t sell spare caps. You’re not going to put plastic wrap on the end. You’re just going to have an exposed tube for a while. There are worse things in life.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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LOL

LOL is Internet/text speak for “laugh out loud.” You use it when someone says something funny or when you want to cover up a racist comment by pretending it’s a joke. Most of the time you aren’t actually laughing out loud when you type LOL, so you’re basically lying. Laughing is a weird thing to lie about. It makes me wonder what else you’re lying about.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Using a Blanket to Mark Your Turf

If you’ve ever gone to an outdoor concert or festival, you’ve probably noticed a few groups that bring in beach towels or blankets to sit on. They stake out a spot where they can spread out their blanket, and that little plot of land becomes their territory. If you bring a towel you have a spot to lay down between sets, you have a place to leave your bags, you have a set meeting spot (I’ll meet you at the blanket). This is all perfectly acceptable behavior as long as there’s no music and you’re not too close to the stage. But if everyone around you is standing and/or moving to the beat and your ass is still parked on your blanket, it might be time to stand up and pack up your shit. There’s no point in bitching at a steady stream of strangers for stepping on your precious blanket. Yes, it is rude to step on someone’s personal belongings. But it’s also rude to claim ownership over public property by spreading out a blanket when everyone else is crammed together. Using a blanket to mark your turf is a smart idea, but you can’t be selfish about it. Drunk, stoned, and fucked up people have a right to dance and walk around during a set without worrying about stepping into your personal space. If you don’t like crowds, you shouldn’t be at a concert. That’s why they invented personal music players.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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Catching Up

Sometimes you get out of work late or get to the party after everyone else. And everyone else is already drunk. So you feel like you have to catch up to get on their level. You’ll start with a shot or two and then progress to double fisting. And then a few more drinks and you’ll take a hit of that. Pretty soon you’re feeling good and you knew that catching up was a good idea. Just don’t pass them. Then it’s game over. Drink responsibly, if there is such a thing.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Outside Lands 2012

The San Francisco Outside Lands Festival has come and gone again. The festival is held each year in Golden Gate Park and features multiple artists on multiple stages. The 2012 lineup featured such diverse acts as Beck, Of Monsters and Men, Foo Fighters, Andrew Bird, Justice, Alabama Shakes, Explosions in the Sky, Big Boi, The Kills, Passion Pit, Sigur Ros, Fun., Franz Ferdinand, Regina Spektor, Jack White, Santigold, Bloc Party, Dispatch, Skrillex, and the main headliners were Neil Young & Crazy Horse, Metallica, and Stevie Wonder. That’s a pretty good fucking lineup in a time when most festivals are becoming more mediocre. Coachella was so desperate for talent that they had to resort to booking holograms of dead rappers.


This is my fourth Outside Lands in five years and I live ten minutes by foot from the main entrance. I’m not trying to toot my horn, but I’m pretty much an Outside Lands expert at this point. So believe me when I say that this year was a shit show. It was fucking crowded. And that fucking sucked. I was there pretty much the entire festival. I got there around 1:00 the first day and was surprised at how busy it was. There were already lines for the bathrooms and for food. Fridays generally start getting crowded around 5:00 or 6:00, but it seemed like everyone was anxious to get in early.

I saw the two-man band Tanlines, and they put on a decent show. I headed over to the main stage, Lands End, to catch Fitz and the Tantrums, Beck, Foo Fighters, and finally Neil Young & Crazy Horse. Fitz and the Tantrums had everyone moving, even if their songs aren’t as well known. Beck played a lot of old stuff, including Loser and Devil’s Haircut, but he played a few slow songs in a row, including Lost Cause, which kind of put a damper on the mood. Dave Grohl and the rest of the Foo Fighters were great. They had a ton of energy and had everyone jumping and singing. They played a lot of old stuff and some new stuff, but everyone was feeling it.

Neil Young is old. He looks old. He doesn’t act old. He was constantly bobbing and moving to the beat, running and jumping, and generally sweating his geriatric nutsack off. He played a lot of old and obscure stuff, with a few recognizable songs thrown in to pacify the crowd. He refused to end songs and every other song had to have a ten-minute guitar solo. It got old real fast. He seemed like he was just trying to fill a two-hour set at times. I know you’re a legend, but you don’t have to be full of yourself. You’re not Clapton or Dylan… you occasionally hang out with Crosby, Stills, & Nash, but you’re not that cool.

Saturday was ridiculously busy. There were people everywhere all day long. It was almost impossible to find anyone. You had to be wearing something distinctive or be near a landmark or a recognizable flagstick. Security was pretty strict that day. They took away my Captain Morgan. That was pretty disheartening. I saw Geographer, Alabama Shakes, Big Boi, Passion Pit, and Metallica. Geographer was all right, admittedly they aren’t one of the bands that I listen to or have heard of before, but they were pretty good. Alabama Shakes was super crowded. They had a ton of people crammed together to watch them, and I listened to a few songs before my group got claustrophobic/pissed off and we left a little early. I liked what I heard, but we were too far away to get close and to get into it.

Big Boi was supposed to play Outside Lands before, but he got arrested and couldn’t make his gig. This time around he kept referring to the “technical difficulties” that kept him from playing last time, so he would take requests and also play new stuff. He played a few hits from the OutKast days like Bombs over Baghdad and Ms. Jackson. A little hip-hop is refreshing in a lineup like this. Passion Pit had everyone dancing and grooving along. Metallica was super loud and had fire. And a bunch of hits that everyone can scream along to. The fire was awesome. I’m still pissed that they shut down Napster.

Finally Sunday rolled around, and the sun still hadn’t made an appearance all weekend. We hoped that it would come out, but it stayed cloudy and overcast pretty much the whole day, with the occasional glimpse of blue sky. I started the day by catching the end of Allen Stone. What a delightful weird looking white guy. I stuck around the main stage for Fun., Franz Ferdinand, and Regina Spektor. Fun. played a great set. They really lived up to their name. Lead singer Nate Ruess was genuinely having a good time performing and it showed. They really got the crowd going, and that was one of the best acts of the day. Franz Ferdinand also got the crowd going, and everyone was having a good time. Regina Spektor was good, but it’s a slower style of music, so people were more mellow during her set.

Santigold was next on my list, and that was a great show. Everyone was dancing and singing and moving to the beat. One of the highlights was when she invited a bunch of audience members to dance on stage for a song. Bloc Party was next. They put on a decent set, but their sound was distorted. It got better as it went on, but it wasn’t as impressive as I hoped it would be.

Like most of the Outside Landers, I ended the day at Stevie Wonder. Quick fact of the day: Stevie Wonder is a blind musician. He played a bunch of songs, because he’s been around for a while and he has a bunch of songs. He even got up and walked around the stage being lead by one of his backup singers. It was very awesome and slightly awkward.

Outside Lands 2012 had a great lineup and lots of things to see, but it was really crowded. I mean super fucking crowded. At times it was not enjoyable with how many people there were. The bathroom situation was a nightmare. A lot of people (either the smart ones or the really fucked up ones) resorted to pissing in the bushes or behind the portapotties. It seems like Outside Lands is getting too big. I might skip out on it next year, but it all depends on the lineup. It always depends on the lineup.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Hi-Chew

Hi-Chew is a Japanese candy and they are delicious. It’s a fruity, chewy candy and each one is individually wrapped like Starbursts or Mambas, but they seem juicier. They have a few flavors, I’ve tried Banana, Grape, Strawberry, Mango, but there’s a lot more. Did I mention that they are delicious? Because they are. If you like fruit flavored confectionary treats, give these a shot. Just be careful, because if you buy a pack and someone sees it, you’re gonna have to share.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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The Fake Mustache Trend

I’ve been experiencing the Outside Lands festival the last few days, and I’ve noticed a disturbing new trend. A lot of girls were rocking fake mustaches. I don’t know why. Maybe they think it’s fun and charming. Maybe they want to deter guys from talking to them. Either way it looks stupid. Most guys can’t even pull off real mustaches, what makes you think you can? I don’t understand the fake mustache trend. Fake sideburns are way cooler, and nothing tops a faux Lincoln beard.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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Can I Ask You a Question?

One of the worst phrases in the English language is: “Can I ask you a question?” You are asking for permission to ask them something when you might not have permission to ask them something. What if they don’t want you to ask them anything? It’s more accurate to say: “Can I ask you something other than this current question?” It’s a little longer and more awkward but at least now you’re not assuming it’s ok to ask them questions other than the current one.

I need a hobby.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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Forgetting Your Ticket

You hear about an awesome festival with a fantastic lineup on an ideal weekend and so you buy your tickets a few months in advance and request the time off of work. You mark the dates on the calendar and your anticipation builds as the days slowly pass until it is finally time to rock out. You’ve been planning everything out: you know which bands you’re going to see, you recruit friends to join you, you pack your bag with some snacks and stash a few joints and a flask in a hidden compartment, and you start to make your way to the concert. You’re feeling pleased and excited and slightly buzzed because you were pregaming. And then you realize that your ticket that you bought months ago is still tucked away safely in your drawer. Forgetting your ticket is worse than leaving your kid behind at Chuck E. Cheese. You feel like an amateur. You feel like you’ve failed. And you did.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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