Everyone is talking about how Hostess is going out of business and what that means for the future of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Sno Balls, and all the other crappy baked goods that you only pretended to enjoy. Who the fuck cares? Twinkies suck. That’s the truth. That’s why Hostess went bankrupt. Because people weren’t buying them anymore. Because they suck. Hostess describes them as “Golden Sponge Cakes with Creamy Filling.” I bet you a thousand dollars you had no idea that the processed pastry tube is supposed to be sponge cake. And you had no idea that the creamy filling is supposed to be vanilla flavored. Twinkies are the kind of food that you think you want, so you go to the store and buy some, you open up the package, you take a bite, and you are instantly disappointed. It’s like craving Taco Bell, it’s usually a mistake to give in to the temptation. The only reason to buy a Twinkie is for the nostalgia factor, but you’ll feel like a Ding Dong when you do. Because they suck. Anything your Ho Ho of a mom makes tastes better.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young