Tag Archives: hostess

Twinkies

Everyone is talking about how Hostess is going out of business and what that means for the future of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Sno Balls, and all the other crappy baked goods that you only pretended to enjoy. Who the fuck cares? Twinkies suck. That’s the truth. That’s why Hostess went bankrupt. Because people weren’t buying them anymore. Because they suck. Hostess describes them as “Golden Sponge Cakes with Creamy Filling.” I bet you a thousand dollars you had no idea that the processed pastry tube is supposed to be sponge cake. And you had no idea that the creamy filling is supposed to be vanilla flavored. Twinkies are the kind of food that you think you want, so you go to the store and buy some, you open up the package, you take a bite, and you are instantly disappointed. It’s like craving Taco Bell, it’s usually a mistake to give in to the temptation. The only reason to buy a Twinkie is for the nostalgia factor, but you’ll feel like a Ding Dong when you do. Because they suck. Anything your Ho Ho of a mom makes tastes better.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Snacks

Eating Alone at a Restaurant

It’s the middle of the day and it’s time for lunch. You decide that you want to go to a real restaurant because three consecutive lunches at McDonald’s is too much. You invite a few friends or coworkers, but everyone is busy or can’t make it in time. It’s time to swallow your pride and tell the hostess that you only need a table for one. She looks at you like you’re a loser and you feel like one. But your stomach tells you to shut up, sit down, and order something. There’s nothing wrong with dining alone, but you feel awkward and overhearing other people socializing, talking and having fun isn’t helping your self-esteem any. Oh well, at least your fries taste good.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Snacks

Self-Seaters

If you go to a restaurant that has a host stand and you don’t go to the host stand, you are a stupid piece of shit. I’ve been in the service industry for a few years, and I still get amazed at how dumb some people are. If I see you seat yourself, I’m going to make you move. I know that you’re hungry. That’s why you came into the restaurant. And I know you don’t want to wait because waiting sucks. But if you don’t know to go to the host stand, then you probably don’t know how to tip either. So fuck you and get out.

Self-seaters like to choose the dirtiest table available, and then they’ll flag down a server or busser and ask them to clean the table off. And the employee will refer them to the host stand with a fake smile. And they will lie and say that the host sat them there. And the employee will know you’re lying because they don’t have any menus and hosts don’t seat parties at dirty tables. And so they will refer the self-seaters to the host stand again, this time without a smile.

I don’t even understand how someone thinks that it’s ok to just sit down and expect service. If you go to McDonald’s and just sit down at a table, you’re never gonna get a Big Mac. Go to the host stand or go to hell.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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Filed under Random Rants