Tag Archives: internet

I Like Turtles

I Like Turtles is a famous meme that’s been bouncing around the internet since 2007. It’s brilliant in its simplicity. A news reporter goes to a lame festival in search of a sound bite and finds a young boy in zombie makeup. She asks him what he thinks about the fair and he responds by saying he likes turtles. She doesn’t know how to handle that awkward exchange, so she cuts back to the studio. At that point, it was already too late. Ten-year-old Jonathan Ware became a YouTube sensation overnight. He even got to appear on Tosh.0 to explain what happened. Apparently he had just left a turtle exhibit and still had turtles on the brain. So when he was asked what he was thinking, he responded honestly: “I like turtles.” The world would be a better place if only people were so forward and frank as young Jonathan. And now we have a built-in response for boring questions thanks to him. I’ve included the YouTube video below and I suggest that you watch it if you’ve never seen it before. It might just be the highlight of your day. Check it out.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Adding An “S” To Anything Internet Related

Adding an “S” to anything Internet related makes you seem more naïve and more sophisticated at the same time. Try it. If you can say “I went on Googles and found a video on YouTubes” without sounding like a grandma, I owe you a Coke. You can keep going. “I was on the Wikipedias and found out that all the major Twitters belong to celebrities.” You sound old fashioned while simultaneously informed. I blame the Facebooks. You might be connected but you’re still ignorant. The Internets is an intimidating place. Don’t let it get the best of you. And if this post seems lazy, it’s because it is.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Troll (Internet Lingo)

A troll is someone who posts comments online for the sole reason of pissing people off. They live under bridges and steal your Wi-Fi. They live to annoy people. For example, you’ll complain about your lousy day on Facebook and a troll will comment on your post saying he’s glad that you had a bad day and you probably deserve it. If you write a blog post about how amazing your vacation to Paris was, a troll will tell you that Paris sucks and that you should have gone to Amsterdam. A troll has no valid arguments or points, he only has poorly thought out insults written in caps lock. Everyone is guilty of trolling from time to time, but some people are only on the internet to troll other people. And that’s sad. Trolling is bad, but trolls are worse.  It’s one thing to correct a friend and make fun of them for misusing a word, it’s quite another thing to bash a stranger for having a different point of view than you.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Behind on Memes

I have a friend on Facebook who is constantly posting and sharing links, pictures, and videos on his profile. He has the same sense of humor as me, and we share a lot of the same interests, and most of the things that he posts are from websites that I visit regularly. But all the shit that he shares are at least a week old. He is behind on his memes and he doesn’t realize it. It’s new to him, so he assumes it’s new to everyone else. So he will post clips of Charlie biting his brother or a guy freaking out about a double rainbow and act like he’s a fucking trendsetter. Being behind on memes is like being behind on the latest celebrity death… Yeah, it’s sad that James Gandolfini died, but that was a fucking week ago, not four hours ago. The internet has an extremely quick turnover rate. If it’s two days old, I’m already over it. And so is everyone else.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Craigslist Joe

Craigslist Joe is one of those documentaries with a simple but intriguing premise that ends up taking you places you never thought possible. It begins with a guy named Joe Garner wondering if he could survive for 31 days living off the kindness of strangers that he meets on Craigslist. He begins by cutting himself off from friends and family members. He gets a new phone with no contacts and no numbers whatsoever. Then he begins his mission of survival. Each day he has to find food, shelter, and something to do, all via Craigslist. He makes his way from Los Angeles to Portland to New York City to New Orleans… he even goes to San Francisco and meets the actual Craig from Craigslist. He goes all over the US and even ventures into Mexico briefly. He hitched rides, he made new friends, and he formed new bonds. Anyone who has ever been on a road trip knows that time slows down and real conversations happen and real relationships are formed. The biggest flaw of the documentary is that is focuses too much on Joe and not enough on the people that he meets. I mean he’s traveling with a cameraman who is doing everything that Joe is doing, but all you see is Joe taking a free dance lesson, or Joe walking the flood-damaged streets of New Orleans in silent reflection, or Joe drinking a cup of joe. The best thing about Craigslist Joe is that it makes you wonder if you could survive for thirty-one days living off the Internet. Yeah, you could. But do you have the balls to do it? Check it out on Netflix or iTunes or find it streaming online somewhere.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tabs vs. Windows

I consider myself a multitasker. I sit on my ass and have the TV on and my laptop open. I am constantly surfing the net, at any given time I am on at least two or three different websites. And you have two choices when it comes to viewing a new site. You can either open a new tab or open a new window. My buddy Cody is a tab guy. He has Google Chrome on full screen with about fifteen tabs of random shit. He has access to multiple websites, but can only focus on one at a time. I prefer opening a new window because you can be watching Fail videos on one site while reading the news on another. You can check out two sites at once and have Wikipedia or Google waiting on deck. Lately I’ve been listening to the Giants game on the radio while watching the Gameday live updates on the MLB website and simultaneously checking Facebook, my email, and crucial sites like Cracked and Devour. Tabs are nice because you can see all the sites that you have open, but you can only view them one at a time. Windows allow you to scroll the news on one side of your screen with a video playing on the other side, but sometimes a site will get hidden behind another window. You can easily forget about a movie you paused because it gets lost behind the cluster of ADD. Tabs vs. Windows is the greatest bar debate since Tupac vs. Biggie. Choose a side and defend it well.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ghetto Writing

Ghetto writing is when your average pampered white guy goes on the Internet and intentionally spells words wrong, switching back and forth between upper and lower case letters, and generally going out of their way to make their comment unreadable. It’s usually something like, “AlL dA bItChEz N hOeZ nEeD tA nOw ThAt I aInT pHuKiN aRoNd WhEn I sAi ThAt Im GoNnA gEt YoU!! u JuSt aCt HaRd, U aInT sHiT 2 mE. I dO wAt I wAnT wHeN i WaNt n U bItcHeZ cAn SuCk iT!”

They basically go out of their way to be retarded. The basic rule of writing is K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. You want to keep your writing as clear and concise as possible. If it’s hard to write, it’s hard to read. You don’t want your audience struggling to decipher each word of each sentence. They won’t read it if they can’t read it, and you wrote all ghetto for nothing. You might think it looks cool, but nobody else does.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Slow Internet Connection

Some people rely on the Internet to make a living. I use it to kill time. So I get fucking frustrated when my sites aren’t loading fast enough. I love the Internet. I’ve paid my dues. I lived with 56k and dial-up modems and downloading a song for twenty minutes and yelling at my mom for picking up the phone and kicking me offline. Now everything is wireless and everything is 3G or 4G. It’s 2012. It’s the Future. Most sites load instantly most of the time, but every once in a while my router will pretend like it’s 1997 and run slower than a fat kid at recess. My iPhone fails me occasionally too. No bars means no reception which means I’m disconnected from the world. It’s 2012. Waiting thirty seconds for anything is unacceptable and Google needs to hurry up. Fucking load already.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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LOL

LOL is Internet/text speak for “laugh out loud.” You use it when someone says something funny or when you want to cover up a racist comment by pretending it’s a joke. Most of the time you aren’t actually laughing out loud when you type LOL, so you’re basically lying. Laughing is a weird thing to lie about. It makes me wonder what else you’re lying about.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Looking Up Shit on Your Phone

I like to read interesting articles about interesting things to expand my intellect. And then when I’m drunk, I try to spew out the crazy facts that I learned and no one will believe me. So I’ll bust out my iPhone and look up my source. Looking up shit on your phone is the best nonviolent way to end a bar argument. If that doesn’t work, smash a bottle or a barstool on your opponent and run like hell. Smart phones put the Internet in the palm of your hand, and you can use it to prove someone wrong and make them feel stupid. And then you can take a picture of their misery and share it with the world instantly. That’s the best use of technology to date.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Killing Time on the Internet

There are quite a few websites on the Internet these days. Over a thousand by some estimates. So while in the old days when people would go outside or socialize with a friend face to face, these days people surf the World Wide Web. Killing time on the Internet is quickly becoming a pastime. Instant gratification is supremely satisfying. If you are unsure how to pass time before work or bedtime, there’s YouTube and Google and Wikipedia and Facebook. For some people there’s still AOL. I don’t know why, but it’s still there. There’s a lot of porn out there too apparently. I’m going to have to look into that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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