Tag Archives: hand

Ink On Your Hands

I’m a server for a living and I rely on pens to do my job. I use them to write down orders and give them to customers for signing credit card slips. Pens are an essential part of my life. I rely on them. And sometimes they betray me. Sometimes I go to pull a pen out of my apron and I look down to discover with dismay that my hands are covered in ink. It doesn’t happen too often, but it happens more than I would like. Getting ink on your hands sucks. Your hands are stained blue or black and you know that everyone notices. You have to wash your hands as quickly and thoroughly as possible. You don’t want to be that guy with ink hands all day. Ink is not easy to get off either. You have to scrub it until your hands get raw. And people will see you compulsively washing your hands and ask you why you’re doing that. And you’ll have to say it’s because you got ink on your hands. They will laugh at you, pretend to sympathize, and walk away chuckling about your mishap. They are right to mock you. Their hands are clean and yours have ink all over them. You should feel lousy.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

DSC09997

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Opening Doors with Overly Lotioned Hands

I got a little too much sun over the weekend and I got a little burnt. Now I’m starting to peel. I don’t like going out into public look reptilian, so I decided to put on some lotion. Then I put on a little more. Then some more after that. I put on too much because I couldn’t get enough grip on the doorknob to turn it. My hands were too moist. I was trapped in my room for couple of minutes until my hands were dry and fully functional. It took me twenty-nine years, but I’ve finally realized that opening doors with overly lotioned hands is nigh impossible. It’s best to leave the door slightly ajar before applying lotion (unless you’re thirteen years old and have a dirty magazine, in which case you should close the door and double check that it’s locked).

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

door-knob

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Cracking Your Knuckles

Cracking your knuckles is when you pop the joints in your hand. It makes an audible sound. It drives some people crazy but it’s oddly soothing to do it to your own hand. I crack my knuckles a few times a day. I do it as a form of stretching mostly, but sometimes I do it when I’m feeling nervous, anxious, or awkward (so it happens quite a bit as you can imagine). Some people claim that cracking your knuckles can cause arthritis, but that’s an old wives’ tale. A guy named Donald Unger cracked the knuckles on only one hand for more than sixty years and left the other hand alone and neither hand got messed up so it can’t be that bad for you. And Donald Unger had way too much time on his hands (pun intended, thank you very much).

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

p00yp3yx

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Hand Sanitzer

Hand sanitizer is a foam, gel, or liquid that you put on your hands to kill germs, viruses, and bacteria. It’s a quick way to make sure you won’t get Ebola before eating. Some people are germaphobes and are constantly sanitizing their hands. The more you use it, the less effective it gets, so don’t use it every five minutes. Some people use it as an excuse to avoid washing their hands with soap and water. The end result is a germ-free hand that still looks fucking filthy. Hand sanitizer doesn’t kill dirt.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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