criticallyrated | Critically rated rants and reviews | Page 116

October 7, 2012 · 10:31 am

Tic Tac

Tic Tac are the mints that you hear coming. They are small hard mints in a plastic case. When I was a kid I would pretend I was popping pills when I ate them. I admit I still do that. They come in a few different flavors: like Fresh mint, cinnamon, wintergreen, and orange. The orange ones don’t do much for your breath, but they are the best Tic Tac to chew. You are pretty sheltered if you’ve never had a Tic Tac. Maybe it’s time to venture out and show your taste buds what the world has to offer.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Snacks

Tagged as breath mint, candy, mint, tic tac, tic tacs

October 6, 2012 · 9:53 am

The Blue Angels

The US Navy’s Blue Angels flight demonstration squad is one of the best commercials for joining the military. The 6 F/A-18 Hornets perform dangerous tricks and maneuvers in perfect synchronization at air shows all around the globe These are the best pilots flying the best planes in the world doing the best stunts in the world. They fly in perfect unison 18 inches apart anywhere from 120mph to over 700mph. It’s fucking loud and it’s fucking awesome.

The Blue Angels make you proud to be an American. And not just proud, relieved. Because those are fucking military jets and somewhere in the middle east an F/A-18 Hornet has missiles and machine guns and an enemy in sight. The Blue Angels are the military’s way of saying, “Don’t fuck with me, bro.” It’s intimidation through entertainment. And it’s fucking awesome.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as aviation, dangerous tricks, f/a=18 hornet, fighter jet, flight demonstration, flight demonstration squad, jet, military, pilot, the blue angels, us navy

October 6, 2012 · 9:50 am

Anyways

“Anyways” isn’t a word. It’s “anyway”. It’s shorter and easier to say and write. We like dumbing down words, not making them longer. We abbreviate “at” with “@”. “Okay” became “O.K.” and then “OK” and now we just say “K”. So why are you adding letters to words and making them non-words? The only time it’s ok to use “anyways” in a sentence is when you’re telling someone that they are an idiot for using “anyways” in a sentence. Don’t let the grammar nazis catch you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as anyway, anyways, grammar, grammar nazi

October 5, 2012 · 9:57 am

Team Hats That Aren’t In Team Colors

You have pride in your team, so you show your pride to other people by rocking a team jersey, jacket or cap. There’s nothing wrong with wearing your team logo or colors. But there’s been a growing trend of team hats in the wrong colors. Team colors are important. Why would you change them for a hat? You don’t change the logo for a hat. I don’t know why you would put the team logo on a hat with a rival team’s color. You wouldn’t wear a hat with an obviously wrong logo, but apparently the obviously wrong colors is cool. I say malarkey. The SF Giants are black and orange, but I see the occasional blue Giants cap. The Dodgers are blue. You’re wearing a Dodger’s hat with an SF logo.

I understand that some people want to wear a hat that matches the rest of their outfit. I don’t get why they can’t just match their hat with a team jacket or sweatshirt. A Yankees hat will always match a Yankees jacket. A red Yankees hat makes me think that you’re a closet Red Sox fan.

Support your team by wearing their colors.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as baseball, cap, clothing, colors, dodgers, logo, sf giants, team colors, team hat, team hats, team hats that arent in team colors, team logo, team pride, yankees

October 5, 2012 · 9:50 am

Crossfaded

Crossfaded is when you are drunk and stoned at the same time. Being drunk is fun. Being stoned is fun. Put the two together and it’s a great time. Just be weary of the spins. You will be ok if you start smoking before drinking. It’s when you’re a few drinks in and you smoke a blunt that makes the world start spinning. Pace yourself and socialize. Enjoy the buzz. Enjoy the fog. Enjoy life and being alive. Crossfaded. Everyone’s doing it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under 420, Drinks

Tagged as booze, buzz, buzzed, crossfaded, drunk, fog, fucked up, high, marijuana, stoned, weed

October 4, 2012 · 9:59 am

Craving Food and Being Disappointed

Your stomach is growling and it is time to eat. But you can’t settle for just anything. You have a craving for a certain sandwich from a specific spot and nothing else will suffice. You start telling yourself how perfect the sandwich will be, you start hyping it up, and your craving becomes a requirement. You go down to the deli, you order your sandwich and a drink, find a spot to sit, take off the wrapper, and take out your sandwich. You take a picture of it and post it to Facebook. Now you can finally take a bite.

As you take that first bite and start to chew, you realize that something’s wrong. This isn’t the orgasmic experience you were expecting. This sandwich was supposed to change the world, but it just tastes bland. Craving food and being disappointed with it is a letdown. It makes you question your judgment. How can you trust your future cravings? What if you lie to yourself again and you’re stuck with another shitty sandwich?

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Snacks

Tagged as craving food, disappointed, first bite, food, gross, hungry, sandwich, something's wrong

October 4, 2012 · 9:33 am

The Roach

The butt end of a joint or a blunt is typically called the roach. It’s the harshest part of the joint. It has the most resin and tar and tastes like cardboard if you use a crutch. Some people throw it away. Some people keep it to smoke later. Some people leave it lying around in tribute to Bob Marley or some other dead stoner. You know that I smoke that shit. It’s a crime to waste weed, not to smoke it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under 420

Tagged as blunt, bob marley, butt end, joint, roach, smoke, the roach, tribute to bob marley

October 3, 2012 · 10:31 am

A Walk in the Park

I am lucky enough to live next to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, one of the best parks in the world. It’s bigger than NYC’s Central Park. That means it is better. Popularity and politics aside, if you are lucky enough to live close to a park too, I suggest that you take some time and enjoy a walk in the park. You’ll experience fresh air and sunshine. You’ll see birds and squirrels and trees and flowers and be reminded that Nature is a real thing and not just something you see on the Discovery Channel.

It’s good to be out in open space, standing on grass and dirt rather than concrete and trash. Sometimes you forget about nature when you live in a city. A walk in the park makes you remember that your roots are in caves, not in cubicles. And going outside is free entertainment. Appreciate it and take advantage of it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as a walk in the park, animals, birds and squirrels, central park, city, discovery channel, flowers, golden gate park, nature, outdoors, park, plants, trees, trees and flowers, walk

October 3, 2012 · 10:28 am

Listening to Someone Eat

Have you ever had the displeasure of listening to someone eat when you’re not eating? It’s a form of torture. You’re in a quiet room with one other person and all you can hear is them eating. It’s subtle at first, but the constant lip smacking, soft grunts, and heavy nasal breathing are getting louder and louder and more and more disgusting. He sounds like a troll as he sinks he teeth into his sandwich and the sickening sounds of sloppy mastication makes you get up and leave the room. You know he’s not trying to be rude, but he’s making you lose your appetite as he satisfies his. And you would be totally justified in stabbing him in the throat with a fork. Listening to someone eat is like hearing your parents have sex. You know that it happens, you just don’t want to be there when it does.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Snacks

Tagged as chew, eat, eating, gross, listening to someone eat, masticate, slurp, swallow, torture

October 2, 2012 · 3:37 am

Naps

Some people love taking naps. I never got into them. I would just pretend to fall asleep during designated naptimes in preschool and kindergarten. I can’t even take naps when travelling. I just can’t force myself to sleep. The daytime is for running around and doing random things, not for sleeping.

Sometimes you have to take a nap. You got up too early, or you started drinking too early, or maybe there’s something happening later that night. There’s nothing wrong with taking the occasional siesta, but I feel weird when I take a nap. I wake up disorientated and have to remind myself what day it is and if there are still things I need to do.

I prefer caffeine over catnaps, but if you feel like you need to lie down and close your eyes for a minute, I’m not going to judge you. I might go through your things as you sleep, but I won’t judge you.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as catnaps, nap, napping, naps, naptime, siesta, siestas, sleep, sleeping

October 2, 2012 · 3:32 am

Thumbs

Thumbs are the most important phalange. They are strong and versatile. Thumbs in general are pretty handy. Opposable ones are even better. You uses your thumbs thousands of times every day, like when typing, picking things up, holding on to those things, texting, playing video games, cooking, and impersonating the Fonz. The world would fall apart without thumbs. Hitchhiking would be a lot more challenging. Movie critics would have to find a new way to rate movies. You wouldn’t be able to dance to Call Me Maybe. Thumb wars would be nonexistent. Life wouldn’t be worth living. Who has two thumbs and is proud of it? This guy.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as digit, finger, opposable thumb, phalange, playing video games, thumb, thumb wars, thumbs

October 1, 2012 · 9:59 am

A Hangover

Some people hate hangovers. I kind of like them. It means last night was successful. The actual hangover part sucks: waking up with your head pounding, that weird taste coating your mouth, your eyes bloodshot, your entire body aching, and you know it’s going to be a long day. It’s important to do inventory whenever you wake up with a hangover. You have to account for your phone, wallet, keys, your bag and anything else you had with you when you started drinking. Then you start trying to remember what you had to drink and how many shots you took. That makes you start wondering how much money you spent. Did you get food? Did you pay your bar tab? When did you black out? Did you take a cab home? Where’s your other shoe?

Hangovers hurt. But at least you have fun getting them. A fun night drinking is worth a day feeling like shit. Mondays always feel more Mondayish with a hangover.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Drinks

Tagged as a hangover, bar tab, drinking, hangover, hangovers, hung over, hungover, night drinking, weird taste

October 1, 2012 · 9:57 am

Talking to Yourself

It’s completely normal to talk to yourself. It just feels weird when you catch yourself doing it. It’s even weirder when someone else catches you doing it. Then you have to wonder what you just said and if it can be misconstrued as psychotic. The best way to handle the situation is to constantly talk to yourself so other people expect it of you. In fact, you should get mad when other people talk to you because they just interrupted the conversation you were having with yourself.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as alone, private conversation, speak out loud, talking, talking to yourself, yourself

September 30, 2012 · 10:30 am

Excessive Honking

It sucks that you are stuck in traffic. It really does. You’re in a rush, you have somewhere you need to be, you’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and your blood pressure is starting to rise. But excessive honking isn’t going to suddenly make the road clear up. And that constant blaring is annoying everyone and contributing to the traffic jam negativity. So shut the fuck up and lay off the horn.

Horns are supposed to be a warning. You use them to warn someone that they are about to back into your car. You use them to notify pedestrians of their impending death. You aren’t supposed to use them to escalate road rage. That’s what the middle finger is for.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as excessive honking, honk, honking, lay off the horn, road rage, traffic

September 30, 2012 · 10:28 am

Starbucks Frappuccino Bottles

Apparently having a Starbucks on every street corner in the world isn’t enough, so Starbucks decided to start bottling their products to stick on store shelves too. Starbucks Frappuccino is a chilled coffee drink that comes in a few flavors like Coffee, Vanilla, and Mocha. The Coffee one tastes like coffee, the Vanilla one tastes like coffee and vanilla, and the Mocha one tastes like coffee and chocolate. But remember that it’s Starbucks, so it’s gourmet coffee. That means it tastes good and is overpriced.

If you are somewhere in the world without a Starbucks, you can still take Starbucks with you. And isn’t that what you always wanted? More Starbuckseses?

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Drinks

Tagged as coffee, coffee drink, frappuccino, gourmet coffee, starbucks, starbucks frappuccino bottles

September 29, 2012 · 11:04 am

Climbing a Tree

If you’re bored and on a budget, go climb a tree. Climbing a tree is fun and free, it’s good exercise, it’s non-polluting, and makes you feel like a kid. It’s good to release your inner child from time to time. Hoist your way up, look for sturdy limbs and branches, and make sure to watch out for bugs and angry squirrels and mama birds protecting their nests. Climb as high as you can go and look down on the people walking by with disdain. Enjoy your temporary treetop sanctuary, for you are safe from the world. Worry about how to get down later.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as climb, climbing a tree, inner child, nature, outdoors, sturdy limbs, tree, tree climbing

September 29, 2012 · 11:01 am

A Pen With No Ink

On the odd occasion that you need to write something down, you’ll grab a piece of paper and a writing utensil, either a pencil or a pen. You have to sharpen pencils, but pens are always good to go. For the most part. Sometimes they fool you and don’t have any ink. I hate being tricked and I especially don’t like getting beaten by a pen. A pen with no ink is beyond useless. It’s just a hollow plastic tube now. MacGyver wouldn’t even be able to do anything with it.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as a pen with no ink, ink, macgyver, no ink, pen, plastic tube, useless, writing utensil