Tag Archives: finger

I Cut My Finger 

I cut my finger at work last week. It wasn’t on purpose. I was cutting some limes to make mojitos and the knife slipped. I cut the tip of my left index finger. I looked down at the damage and saw that it was gushing blood. It hurt. It hurt even worse when the lime juice got into it. I don’t recommend getting citric acid into open wounds. It stings really bad. I quickly washed the cut, wrapped a paper towel around it, and slinked towards the back office to find a manager. The paper towel was completely soaked with blood through by the time I found one.

My manager gave me first aid. He cleaned out the cut better than I did. He put some antibacterial cream on it and wrapped it up with gauze. Then he told me to sit down and keep my arm raised above my head until the bleeding stopped. It took about forty-five minutes to stop. I’m glad it stopped because that meant I didn’t have to go to the hospital and get stitches. I would have gotten worker’s compensation but it would have been a huge hassle and I don’t like hassles. 

The best part about cutting your finger at work is you get a half day. I left early and went to the drugstore to get some bandaids and liquid bandage. Liquid bandage is cool. You should get it the next time you cut or nick yourself. It’s an antiseptic that acts like a second layer of skin. It’s more flexible and waterproof than a regular bandaid. 

It’s been about a week and it’s almost fully healed. It was a deep cut so it will need a few more days. I can’t wait to have use of all ten fingers again. I’m tired of being a gimp. 

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Accidentally Poking Yourself in the Eye

Nothing makes you feel like a winner more than accidentally poking yourself in the eye. You’ll be washing your face and your finger will slip and suddenly there’s blinding pain, a flash of white, you see stars, and your eye starts to water. Not only does it hurt, but you feel like a dumbass and you have nobody to blame but yourself. Poking yourself in the eye is unavoidable. You could go months, years, even decades without having any phalange-ocular contact but it only takes one careless second to end that streak. Everybody accidentally pokes themselves in the eye at some point, and if you haven’t done it yet, then you are long overdue. Just try not to scratch your retina with your fingernail when it finally does happen.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Slamming the Door on Your Finger

Slamming the door on your fingers is painfully stupid. It hurts like a motherfucker, and you feel like an idiot because you know how they work, you’ve been opening and closing them your whole life. It only takes a split second to slam the door on your misplaced finger. You scream in agony and jump around trying to shake away the pain. You hope that you aren’t going to lose a fingernail because that makes a bad situation even worse. Not only does it hurt like a bitch, but everyone will also see your missing fingernail and ask you what happened, and you’ll spend the next few weeks telling your sob story to family, friends, and strangers. Slamming the door on your finger reminds you that there is no such thing as a safe routine, that sometimes the universe wants you to suffer.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pull My Finger

“Pull my finger” is one of the oldest jokes in human history. The setup is simple, you approach and unsuspecting person with your index finger extended, and you invited them to pull your finger. They oblige by grabbing your finger and pulling it, and that’s when you let one rip. You fart, and you fart loud and proud; the wetter, the better. If you fart loud enough, the victim will get embarrassed and you will get a high five from whoever witnessed it. Farts are funny, but you have to pick your moments. Never ask your grandparents to pull your finger, never attempt it at a dinner party, and avoid it at all costs during weddings and baptisms. Funerals are acceptable. Anything that distracts you from death is ok. The next time there’s a dull moment, or you experience a lull in the conversation, ask somebody to pull your finger and let that flatulence fly.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Typing On Your Phone with One Finger

I was at the baseball game the other day, and I noticed the middle-aged woman sitting right in front of me was on her iPhone for most of the game. She was taking pictures and uploading them to Facebook, constantly updating her status, responding to all the lame comments that her lame friends were making about her lames pictures, and she spent a good solid 9 innings glued to her fucking phone. None of that shit bothered me. What bothered me was the fact that she was only using her pointer finger to type everything. She was moving at a snail’s pace. My grandma can type faster than her. My grandma knows to turn the phone sideways and to use two thumbs. I know you might be a little clueless on technology, but that has nothing to do with a lack of common sense. Typing on your phone with one finger is stupidly wrong. I don’t like to use the word retarded, but that’s what it is. You are fucking retarded if you’re typing with just your index finger. The only acceptable reason for typing on your phone with one finger is if you only have one finger. If you have thumbs, you should use those. Your phone’s keyboard was fucking designed for your fucking thumbs. If you don’t know how to use your phone, you don’t deserve your phone.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wet Willy

A Wet Willy is when you lick your finger and stick it in someone’s ear. It’s an awesome prank… if you are 9-years-old. Once you hit double digits it’s time to retire that shit. First off you shouldn’t do shit to other people that you wouldn’t appreciate if you’re on the receiving end of it. Giving someone a Wet Willy is essentially spitting in their ear. Don’t give someone a Wet Willy if you don’t want a loogie on your face. And if have the balls to give someone a Wet Willy, then you should man up and admit it. Don’t lie and say you didn’t lick your finger, that it was just water the whole time. Just embrace the fact that you’re an asshole and confess. Don’t pretend that your victim is cool with your bodily fluids in their orifices and accept responsibility for the shit that you do. If that seems like too much of hassle, then you should avoid giving out Wet Willies, it’s a simple as that. And yes, I was the victim of a Wet Willy today.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Thumbs

Thumbs are the most important phalange. They are strong and versatile. Thumbs in general are pretty handy. Opposable ones are even better. You uses your thumbs thousands of times every day, like when typing, picking things up, holding on to those things, texting, playing video games, cooking, and impersonating the Fonz. The world would fall apart without thumbs. Hitchhiking would be a lot more challenging. Movie critics would have to find a new way to rate movies. You wouldn’t be able to dance to Call Me Maybe. Thumb wars would be nonexistent. Life wouldn’t be worth living. Who has two thumbs and is proud of it? This guy.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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