Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

October 8, 2012 · 9:27 am

A Good Samaritan

The other day I was reading an article about some good Samaritans who stopped a purse snatcher. And I realized that all you hear about are good Samaritans, not bad Samaritans, not even mediocre Samaritans. And what the fuck is a Samaritan anyway? Bill Nye and the Internet say that Samaritans are a semi-offshoot of Judaism.

I did some research (meaning I looked up good Samaritan on Wikipedia) and found its biblical origins. It’s basically a story Jesus liked to tell about a traveller that got robbed and beaten up and left to die. A priest and a Levite both walk by and do nothing. Then a Samaritan comes by and helps the guy out. Back in the day, Jews and Samaritans were enemies. So the good Samaritan tale is about loving your neighbor and not being racist. It doesn’t have anything to do with playing Batman and fighting crime.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 6, 2012 · 9:50 am

Anyways

“Anyways” isn’t a word. It’s “anyway”. It’s shorter and easier to say and write. We like dumbing down words, not making them longer. We abbreviate “at” with “@”. “Okay” became “O.K.” and then “OK” and now we just say “K”. So why are you adding letters to words and making them non-words? The only time it’s ok to use “anyways” in a sentence is when you’re telling someone that they are an idiot for using “anyways” in a sentence. Don’t let the grammar nazis catch you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 3, 2012 · 10:31 am

A Walk in the Park

I am lucky enough to live next to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, one of the best parks in the world. It’s bigger than NYC’s Central Park. That means it is better. Popularity and politics aside, if you are lucky enough to live close to a park too, I suggest that you take some time and enjoy a walk in the park. You’ll experience fresh air and sunshine. You’ll see birds and squirrels and trees and flowers and be reminded that Nature is a real thing and not just something you see on the Discovery Channel.

It’s good to be out in open space, standing on grass and dirt rather than concrete and trash. Sometimes you forget about nature when you live in a city. A walk in the park makes you remember that your roots are in caves, not in cubicles. And going outside is free entertainment. Appreciate it and take advantage of it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 2, 2012 · 3:37 am

Naps

Some people love taking naps. I never got into them. I would just pretend to fall asleep during designated naptimes in preschool and kindergarten. I can’t even take naps when travelling. I just can’t force myself to sleep. The daytime is for running around and doing random things, not for sleeping.

Sometimes you have to take a nap. You got up too early, or you started drinking too early, or maybe there’s something happening later that night. There’s nothing wrong with taking the occasional siesta, but I feel weird when I take a nap. I wake up disorientated and have to remind myself what day it is and if there are still things I need to do.

I prefer caffeine over catnaps, but if you feel like you need to lie down and close your eyes for a minute, I’m not going to judge you. I might go through your things as you sleep, but I won’t judge you.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 2, 2012 · 3:32 am

Thumbs

Thumbs are the most important phalange. They are strong and versatile. Thumbs in general are pretty handy. Opposable ones are even better. You uses your thumbs thousands of times every day, like when typing, picking things up, holding on to those things, texting, playing video games, cooking, and impersonating the Fonz. The world would fall apart without thumbs. Hitchhiking would be a lot more challenging. Movie critics would have to find a new way to rate movies. You wouldn’t be able to dance to Call Me Maybe. Thumb wars would be nonexistent. Life wouldn’t be worth living. Who has two thumbs and is proud of it? This guy.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 1, 2012 · 9:57 am

Talking to Yourself

It’s completely normal to talk to yourself. It just feels weird when you catch yourself doing it. It’s even weirder when someone else catches you doing it. Then you have to wonder what you just said and if it can be misconstrued as psychotic. The best way to handle the situation is to constantly talk to yourself so other people expect it of you. In fact, you should get mad when other people talk to you because they just interrupted the conversation you were having with yourself.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 30, 2012 · 10:30 am

Excessive Honking

It sucks that you are stuck in traffic. It really does. You’re in a rush, you have somewhere you need to be, you’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and your blood pressure is starting to rise. But excessive honking isn’t going to suddenly make the road clear up. And that constant blaring is annoying everyone and contributing to the traffic jam negativity. So shut the fuck up and lay off the horn.

Horns are supposed to be a warning. You use them to warn someone that they are about to back into your car. You use them to notify pedestrians of their impending death. You aren’t supposed to use them to escalate road rage. That’s what the middle finger is for.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 29, 2012 · 11:04 am

Climbing a Tree

If you’re bored and on a budget, go climb a tree. Climbing a tree is fun and free, it’s good exercise, it’s non-polluting, and makes you feel like a kid. It’s good to release your inner child from time to time. Hoist your way up, look for sturdy limbs and branches, and make sure to watch out for bugs and angry squirrels and mama birds protecting their nests. Climb as high as you can go and look down on the people walking by with disdain. Enjoy your temporary treetop sanctuary, for you are safe from the world. Worry about how to get down later.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 29, 2012 · 11:01 am

A Pen With No Ink

On the odd occasion that you need to write something down, you’ll grab a piece of paper and a writing utensil, either a pencil or a pen. You have to sharpen pencils, but pens are always good to go. For the most part. Sometimes they fool you and don’t have any ink. I hate being tricked and I especially don’t like getting beaten by a pen. A pen with no ink is beyond useless. It’s just a hollow plastic tube now. MacGyver wouldn’t even be able to do anything with it.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 28, 2012 · 9:36 am

Use Your Fucking Turn Signal

Hey buddy, use your fucking turn signal. That’s awesome that you wanna turn here, but I can’t read your fucking mind. Nothing can penetrate that thick skull of yours. There’s no good reason to ignore your blinkers. Maybe you’re rebelling against public safety, maybe you’re just being lazy, or maybe you’re just a rude, inconsiderate dickhole. You have turn signals. I can see them right there. Even if they are broken you can still use those stupid arm gestures that they teach you in driver’s ed.

They install turn signals in cars for a reason. If you’re the kind of driver who consciously chooses to ignore them, do us all a favor and ignore your headlights too. You deserve to die in a car crash. Just don’t take anyone with you, motherfucker.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 27, 2012 · 9:57 am

Smartphones

The world changed when the iPhone came out in 2007. That’s when smartphones kicked into high gear. Getting rid of buttons was a godsend. We all woke up one day and suddenly there was a phone with a touchscreen interface. Not just a phone. It’s a camera, a gaming console, a music player, you can watch movies and TV shows and listen to the radio, it’s a personal GPS and will show you how to get anywhere, you have the internet and more apps than you can count. With the iPhones and iClones anyone with a steady paycheck can have a portable computer in their pocket.

Once you have that kind of power in your hands, you can do anything. There are stories of people using their iPhones to find out how to perform first aid. Smartphones have literally saved lives. But most of the time you just use it to find out which guy was in that movie or to settle drunken arguments (yes, you can be allergic to water, my iPhone says so).

The only downside to smartphones is that smartphones make dumb people. You get addicted to your device. You always have to check Facebook or your email. Maybe Justin Bieber posted a new picture on Twitter. You have to respond to Becky’s text. You become a slave to it. But so be it. Once you have a smartphone you can’t go back to a beeper.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 27, 2012 · 9:53 am

Taking Up the Whole Sidewalk

You’re strolling down the city sidewalk. It’s a nice day, the birds are singing, and you’re moving along briskly. And then you see a family of six tourists walking side-by-side taking up the whole sidewalk. They’re moving at a snail’s pace, constantly stopping to gaze at shiny things, and they are causing a pedestrian traffic jam on the sidewalk. I’m not in any particular rush but I don’t yield to sidewalk takers. I’m not saying you have to walk single file, but if you would kindly get the fuck out of my way I’d appreciate it. I’m not above accidently elbowing your kid if it means I get some room to pass your family.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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September 26, 2012 · 10:07 am

A Stubborn Booger

You are trying to act casual but you have a stubborn booger in your nose that refuses to budge. You’ve tried blowing your nose. You’ve tried picking your nose. Nothing works. You’ll give yourself a nosebleed before you remove that ball of nasal mucus. All you can do is hope that it isn’t visible. A stubborn booger is like a wedgie on your face. It’s not obvious to other people but it’s uncomfortable and it’s slowly driving you crazy.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 25, 2012 · 9:51 am

Something in your Teeth

You’re talking to your crush and things are going well. You’re maintaining eye contact, you’re both smiling and laughing over stupid jokes, and you’re feeling good about that little encounter a few minutes later when your friend walks up and casually mentions that you have something in your teeth. Fuck. Maybe that’s what she was smiling at you. Maybe she was laughing at you. Maybe she’s still laughing now.

It seems like you always get something in your teeth before a job interview or meeting someone for the first time. You’re never the one to notice that you have something in your teeth either. Someone else always points it out… and you ate lunch 3 hours ago. Fuck.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 23, 2012 · 3:05 am

Getting Up For Your Stop Too Early

You’re on the train or bus heading for your destination and you know that your stop is coming up. In fact, it’s the next stop. So you ding the dingy and get up and shuffle towards the door. But then the vehicle stops at a light or yields for a pedestrian and you’re stuck standing awkwardly by the exit. The clock keeps ticking and seconds turn to minutes and you realize you got up too early. You glance back at your seat and a stressed-out guy in a business suit has already taken it. You were too anxious and karma kicked you in the ass this time. The only thing you can do is act like you meant to get up, like you wanted to stretch your legs or be polite or some other nonsensical reason. Nobody buys it. You fucked up and everyone else knows it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 22, 2012 · 12:30 am

Something In Your Eye

It’s a glorious day in the sunshine and you’re having the time of your life. Then the wind blows and something gets in your eye. It burns, it stings, and it won’t stop hurting. A broken heart, a punctured lung, childbirth… nothing is nearly as painful (not to mention annoying) as having something in your eye. It’s weird how even the smallest speck of insignificance can make you want to gauge out your own eyeball in order to feel the smallest amount of relief. You’ll try to blink it out. You’ll try using your finger to poke it off. You’ll stick your face under the faucet for fifteen minutes to flush it out. You’ll ask the closest person if they see anything in your eye.

In eighth grade I was on a field trip and got something in my eye. I tried everything to get it out and nothing worked. Blinking, flushing it out, ignoring it, nothing. I ended up going to the hospital. They applied some chemical eye drops and turned on a black light so my eye would glow. And they found a speck of dirt. At least I wasn’t imagining it. I’m sure my dad’s insurance company loved that claim.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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