Tag Archives: eye

My Black Eye

I had the day off yesterday and celebrated by going to the park with some friends. We played cards, listened to music, ate some chips and dip, and threw a baseball around. We played catch, getting farther and farther away from each other, and that eventually morphed into an impromptu game of Three Flies Up. I was jostling for position to catch a fly ball, slightly bumping into my friend, I raised my glove, missed the ball entirely, and had it land directly onto my eye with a sickening thud. THONK!! There was a blinding flash and my eye started swelling up immediately. My friends ran over in an instant, laughing and voicing concern simultaneously as good friends should do. One handed me an ice pack, another cracked open a beer for me, and another asked if I could see out of my eye, if I had a headache, or if my eye socket was broken.

It’s not a good feeling to catch a baseball with an eye. It sucks pretty hard. It’s like getting punched in the eye. I consider myself lucky though. As shitty as my reflexes are, I still managed to close my eye instead of having the baseball land directly on my eyeball. I didn’t get hit by the stitches and that would have caused even more damage. I didn’t break my eye socket, or my nose, or lose any of my teeth. If you’re going to catch a baseball with your face, that’s the way to do it.

I can still see out of my eye. It just feels better to let it be swollen shut. I called out of work today, and warned my managers of the dangers of playing catch in the park on your days off. I plan on icing my eye and trying various internet remedies to reduce the swelling. There’s one technique that involves putting cold tea bags on the eye, so I plan on tea bagging myself later. That should be fun. This is my first black eye. I managed to go thirty years without one. Let’s see if I can break that record this time around. I can only hope.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Photo on 11-20-15 at 12.58 PM

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Accidentally Poking Yourself in the Eye

Nothing makes you feel like a winner more than accidentally poking yourself in the eye. You’ll be washing your face and your finger will slip and suddenly there’s blinding pain, a flash of white, you see stars, and your eye starts to water. Not only does it hurt, but you feel like a dumbass and you have nobody to blame but yourself. Poking yourself in the eye is unavoidable. You could go months, years, even decades without having any phalange-ocular contact but it only takes one careless second to end that streak. Everybody accidentally pokes themselves in the eye at some point, and if you haven’t done it yet, then you are long overdue. Just try not to scratch your retina with your fingernail when it finally does happen.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Eye Twitch

An eye twitch is an involuntary spasm of the eyelid. It’s caused by stress, fatigue, caffeine, or small bugs burrowing into your eyeball. It’s not that noticeable but it’s definitely annoying. It normally goes away after a few days, but it’s been known to plague people for a lifetime. My eye has been twitching for a few days now. I would say that it’s stress, but my life is pretty stress-free. The only thing I’m stressed about is this fucking eye twitch. And the more it twitches, the more stressed I get. It’s a vicious cycle. So if I’m talking to you and you think I’m winking at you, don’t flatter yourself. It’s just a small bug burrowing into my eye causing my eye to spasm at inopportune times. I really don’t like you. It’s eye bugs. I swear.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Something In Your Eye

It’s a glorious day in the sunshine and you’re having the time of your life. Then the wind blows and something gets in your eye. It burns, it stings, and it won’t stop hurting. A broken heart, a punctured lung, childbirth… nothing is nearly as painful (not to mention annoying) as having something in your eye. It’s weird how even the smallest speck of insignificance can make you want to gauge out your own eyeball in order to feel the smallest amount of relief. You’ll try to blink it out. You’ll try using your finger to poke it off. You’ll stick your face under the faucet for fifteen minutes to flush it out. You’ll ask the closest person if they see anything in your eye.

In eighth grade I was on a field trip and got something in my eye. I tried everything to get it out and nothing worked. Blinking, flushing it out, ignoring it, nothing. I ended up going to the hospital. They applied some chemical eye drops and turned on a black light so my eye would glow. And they found a speck of dirt. At least I wasn’t imagining it. I’m sure my dad’s insurance company loved that claim.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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