Tag Archives: cars

Parking Spot

A parking spot is a spot where you park your car. You usually find parking spots in garages, parking lots, and on the side of the road. A parking spot is a precious commodity, especially in a big city. Drivers will go through great lengths to find a good parking spot. A driver might circle the same two blocks for forty-five minutes in a futile attempt to find a spot. A good parking spot is something to fight over. It’s not uncommon for two frustrated drivers to start yelling or throw fists over a few feet of asphalt. Earlier today I went to the neighborhood mom and pop shop to buy some groceries. The cashier greeted me when I walked in, I walked around and gathered my items, but she was gone when I went to pay. I wondered where she disappeared to and then she came running in from the street, apologizing and explaining that she saw a good parking spot open up outside and she had to take it. Perfectly understandable. Parking spots are like opportunities… you have to take them when you can.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is Jerry Seinfeld’s internet show about comedians in cars getting coffee. A typical episode is 10-15 minutes long, but some episodes run longer. Each episode has Jerry picking up one of his comedian friends in a cool car and going out to a restaurant or to a coffee house. The cars are as diverse as a 1960 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud II to a 1952 Volkswagen Beetle. His guests have included legends like Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner to more contemporary comedians like Sarah Silverman and Ricky Gervais. It’s a very casual and unscripted show. Jerry and his guest banter back and forth, talking about comedy and sharing stories and anecdotes. You get to catch glimpses of their real personalities as opposed to their stage personas. It reminds you of hanging out with your friends, except for the fact that Jerry is much funnier than you and he knows it. It’s not Seinfeld, but it’s still worth checking out. Go to Crackle.com and see what all the fuss is about.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Using a Shirt as a Seat Cover

Some people are fond of using an old T-shirt as a seat cover in their car. Some people need to stop doing that. The only thing that you should use as a seat cover is an actual seat cover. A T-shirt seat cover freaks me out. I always notice it out of the corner of my eye, and I think that there’s somebody just sitting in the car watching me and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. There’s no reason to use a shirt as a seat cover. You might think that you’re being artsy and resourceful, everyone else thinks that you’re tacky and cheap. And they are right. It’s a great way to bring down the retail value of a car. Imagine a brand new red Ferrari, straight off the lot. Now imagine that same Ferrari, but with a ratty old shirt as a seat cover. It goes from being an awesome car to a being a joke. It’s social suicide and it needs to stop. Make sure everyone gets the memo.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Honking to Pick Up Your Passenger

Hey Mr. Asshole Driver, it’s awesome that you’re being green and saving the planet by carpooling but there’s no need to announce your arrival by honking excessively. Especially at 7:00 in the morning. There’s no excuse to wake up the whole neighborhood just because your passenger isn’t waiting curbside. You can always ring their doorbell or call/text them to tell them to come outside. That’s what normal people do: practice common courtesy. Besides, if you can afford a car you can afford a phone. Fucking use it and lay off the horn.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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XFASLNR

This is a true story involving road rage and a customized license plate. I was a senior in high school and I was driving home on the freeway, my friend was in the front seat, and Tom Petty was on the stereo. We saw a red pickup truck with a customized plate that said “XFASLNR.” We spent a few minutes debating and deciding what XFASLNR meant. Extra Falsener? Is that something? We gave up and drove past the truck and as we did, my friend made a funny face at the red truck. He didn’t flip him off, or scowl at him. I think he stuck out his tongue and waved his fingers like a five-year-old taunting his crush on the playground.

That was enough to make XFASLNR declare war. He instantly floored it, cut me off, and slammed on his brakes. I used my ninja reflexes to dart into the other lane. I didn’t even have time to flip him off before he tried to cut me off again. And again and again. He would veer into my lane; he would speed up behind me and try to tap my bumper, he would try to run me off the road. I wasn’t close to home either. He chased me for a few miles before I finally got to my exit and made my escape. We considered ourselves lucky and the matter closed.

A year and a half went by and I was now in my second year of college. I went to my buddy Cody’s house and there was a red pickup truck in his driveway with the license plate XFASLNR. I had a flashback to my near-death experience and ran into to Cody’s house and demanded answers. A mutual friend who was from the same hometown was sitting in the living room admitted that the truck was his dad’s. I told him the whole story of being chased halfway across the county. He told me that it was definitely his dad and regaled me with stories of his dad tailgating, swerving, and instigating fights over perceived slights for years. He told me about being five years old and pleading with his dad to not punch another driver who cut him off. He acknowledged that his dad was crazy and I realized I was lucky to be alive.

And then I asked him the question that had been bugging me for years, the whole reason why my friend made that stupid face that set him off… What does XFASLNR mean? And it means Ex Fast Laner. His dad used to race cars and be in the fast lane. I know that’s not the most exciting conclusion to this tale of road rage, but at least I got closure. That’s worth something, right? And it’s kind of stupid to road rage when you have a memorable customized plate that makes it easy to identify you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Holding Your Breath When You Drive Through a Tunnel

Some people are in the habit of holding their breath when they drive through a tunnel. I know this because I am one of them. I’ve done it ever since I was a kid. It’s a custom that’s been passed down for generations. When I asked why, I was told it was an emergency air supply if the tunnel suddenly collapsed. It seemed reasonable at the time so I never questioned it and I’ve been doing it ever since. It’s better to hold your breath when you’re the passenger. You can get lightheaded and that’s not so bueno if you’re driving. Once you’ve made it through the tunnel successfully, you get to make a wish. That’s your reward for surviving the trip. Use it wisely.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Driving With Your Blinker On

Some people are inconsiderate of others and never use their turn signals. Some people are idiotic and never turn off their turn signals. People who don’t use their blinkers are just assholes, there really isn’t anything wrong with them aside from being rude. But people who don’t realize they have their blinkers on are unaware and that’s not a good thing when you’re driving a multi-ton hunk of moving metal. You’ll see some old guy drive for miles in the left lane with their left blinker on. How does he not realize that his blinker is on? It flashes lights, it makes an audible noise, it’s pretty fucking obvious. Driving with your blinker on is like wearing a sweatshirt that says Alzheimer’s on it. You’re telling the world that you’re not all there.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Russian Dash Cam Videos

Russian roads are some of the most dangerous in the world. They have to deal with ice, snow, a deteriorating infrastructure, road rage, drunk drivers, drunk pedestrians, insurance scam artists, and the occasional horse crossing the road. Seriously anything can happen at any time. Naturally people got fed up and started installing dash-mounted cameras to record the chaos so that they have proof of what happened for insurance purposes. The next step is to upload those videos to the Internet for entertainment purposes. Sites like YouTube and LiveLeak are filled with hours and hours of horrifying accidents, narrow misses, down right bizarre incidents, and a few that showcase surprising acts of kindness (like a tough guy stopping his car in the middle of traffic to help an old lady cross the street). Reality TV is scripted and predictable. Russian dash cam videos are as real as it gets. Watch a couple of them and you won’t bitch about potholes again.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Car Alarms

Car alarms suck. There’s no such thing as absolute silence in a city because there’s always at least one car alarm going off somewhere. It’s such a common event that nobody even pays attention anymore. When’s the last time you heard a car alarm and jumped out of your seat and ran to the window to catch a thief in the act?  You just ignore it. Fuck crime fighting.

            Most of the time it’s not even from anyone trying to steal anything, it’s usually a dickhole with a kickass sound system bumping shitty rap. The only time I enjoy car alarms is when I see somebody realize that it’s their car alarm going off. They get that Oh-Shit-I’m-A-Douchebag look on their face as they grab their keys and run outside to stop the mayhem.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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Use Your Fucking Turn Signal

Hey buddy, use your fucking turn signal. That’s awesome that you wanna turn here, but I can’t read your fucking mind. Nothing can penetrate that thick skull of yours. There’s no good reason to ignore your blinkers. Maybe you’re rebelling against public safety, maybe you’re just being lazy, or maybe you’re just a rude, inconsiderate dickhole. You have turn signals. I can see them right there. Even if they are broken you can still use those stupid arm gestures that they teach you in driver’s ed.

They install turn signals in cars for a reason. If you’re the kind of driver who consciously chooses to ignore them, do us all a favor and ignore your headlights too. You deserve to die in a car crash. Just don’t take anyone with you, motherfucker.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dead Bird Roadkill

Mankind created the wheel and then we created roads. And then we ran over animals and started calling it roadkill. Most of the time the roadkill in question is a creature like a skunk or raccoon, sometimes a deer, and occasionally a dog or a cat. They are mostly animals that walk to get around and they have no choice but to cross over highways, roads and streets.

So if you see a dead bird roadkill, that bird either was trying to die or deserved to die. That fucker can fly over the road, safely out of harm’s way. It’s a fucking bird. It should be in the sky, not on the fucking street anyway.

I know there are flightless birds that don’t have a choice, but I think they are just being lazy. They have wings, I can see them right there. So flap them and fly, you stupid penguin.

Mama ducks parading their ducklings into traffic doesn’t impress me either. Ducks are waterfowl. They should be in the water, not playing in the street. My mom taught me that what I was a kid. The mother duck isn’t setting her kids up for success pulling stunts like that.

A bird that ends up as roadkill is a failure. It literally failed at life and got hit by a car and died. I don’t feel sorry for dead bird roadkill and neither should you. You can’t reward stupidity.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pink Mustaches on Cars

The world hates Americans for a lot of reasons. It used to be for oil consumption and war mongering. Now it’s primarily pink mustaches on cars. Why is this even a trend? Fake mustaches on girls are bad enough, but cars aren’t people. Cars are fucking cars. The only thing they should be wearing is a cool paint color and a coat of wax. Cars are expensive. You have monthly payments to the dealer, you have to pay for insurance, you have to get gas, there’s parking passes and permits and tickets to deal with… and you spend your hard-earned money on fake pink facial hair for its grill? You are a fucking douchebag. Your car looks stupid and you look like an asshole.

Who wants a mustache ride? Not me.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Drive

I remember when Drive came out in theaters last year, a few people told me that I needed to see it, and I didn’t believe them. And now that I finally have seen it, I know that I was right. Drive is a pretty craptacular movie. It’s about a stuntman/mechanic who works as a getaway driver on the side, and he stumbles into a plot and gets in over his head and has to fight his way out. It sounds cool. It’s not.

I’ve never heard of the director, Nicolas Winding Refn, so I looked him up on Wikipedia and he hasn’t directed anything good and he looks like a doofus. I don’t like him. Ryan Gosling stars as the Driver. You never learn his name and you don’t care. He goes around wearing a stupid satin jacket with a giant scorpion on it. He works as a mechanic and as a Hollywood stunt driver, but his main thrill is driving getaway cars. The Driver works at a garage. His boss Shannon (Bryan Cranston) arranges his getaway jobs. The Driver has a few rules that he abides by: he never does a job for the same people twice, and they only have five minutes to do their shit before he drives off.

The Driver meets a girl in his apartment building named Irene (Carey Mulligan) and her young son Benicio. The Driver and Irene have some chemistry, and the Driver likes little Benicio and it seems like the love story will move along nicely, but then Irene’s husband Standard gets out of prison and comes home. Standard (Oscar Isaac) owes an Albanian Gangster named Cook some money, and Cook forces Standard to rob a pawnshop for him. The Driver decides to help Standard and offers his services as a getaway driver.

Standard, the Driver, and a random bitch rob the pawnshop, but things go wrong and Standard gets shot and dies. The Driver and the random bitch flee the scene with the money, but they are being chased by another car. So the Driver outdrives the other driver and they escape. And the Driver deduces that the random bitch set him up. And then some hitmen show up and kill the random bitch and the Driver kills them and escapes again.

The Driver tracks down the gangster Cook and he finds out that Nino (Ron Pearlman) is behind the heist. Ron Pearlman might be the ugliest guy in Hollywood. He looks like Eric Stoltz in Mask. Nino sends a hitman to kill the Driver. The Driver kills the hitman by repeatedly stomping his face into the ground, before looking at Irene with puppy dog eyes and wondering why she is so freaked out by him.

The Driver tracks down Nino and kills him and then goes after Nino’s partner Bernie (Albert Brooks). After he gives Bernie back the money in exchange for Irene and Benicio’s safety, Bernie stabs him. The Driver stabs him back and kills him. And then he doesn’t die, and he celebrates by driving off into the night without the girl.

This movie drags on and on. It was marketed as an action movie, but there’s not much action. There’s not even much dialog either. It just creeps along at a snail’s pace, pretending to be smarter than it really is. Compare this movie to Reservoir Dogs. Reservoir Dogs is an action movie without much action. But it’s riveting, it’s got a nice flow and pace, it never drags. Michael Madsen slices off a cop’s ear and it’s terrifying and you can’t look away even though you want to. In Drive, Albert Brooks kills a guy by stabbing him in the eye with a fork and hacking at him with a butcher’s knife. It was much more gruesome, but had no impact on the plot, and therefore is unnecessary and stupid. Tarantino’s Death Proof had much better driving scenes and stunts. This movie seems likes it’s trying to emulate Tarantino, but it fails miserably.

It’s false advertising to call a movie Drive when they don’t do much driving. They should call it Bore, because boring is a much more accurate description. This is not the worst movie ever, but I can’t respect you if this is your favorite movie.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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