Tag Archives: cell phone

Cell Phone Wallet Case

A cell phone wallet case is exactly what it sounds like. It’s cell phone case that doubles as a wallet (or maybe it’s a wallet that doubles as a cell phone case). It sounds like a convenient way to keep organized, but it’s a terrible idea. It makes it way to easy to lose all your valuables in one fell swoop. Cell phone wallet cases are an invitation to thieves. You only have to turn your back for one second to have someone snatch your phone, cash, driver’s license, credit cards, baby pictures, and Jamba Juice 2-for1 coupon. And you were only one punch away from a free burrito too. Now you have to call the bank to cancel your cards and that’s hard to do when you have no phone. So you have to get a new phone and that’s hard to do when you have no money. Then you have to go to the DMV to get a new license and wait in line for half a day, kicking and cursing yourself the whole time for getting that damn cell phone wallet case.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Calling Somebody and Having Someone Else Answer the Phone

It seems like everybody and their mom has a cell phone these days. Practically everyone has their own private line and number. If I want to talk to Billy, all I have to do is call Billy and Billy will pick up the phone. But it doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes Steve will pick up the phone, and I will be confused for a moment because I know that it’s not Billy and I know that I called Billy. I wanted to talk to Billy. I would have called Steve if I wanted to talk to Steve. Calling somebody and having someone else answer the phone gives you an uneasy feeling. It’s like a very mild betrayal. It’s probably why you text everyone instead of calling them.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Upgrading Your Phone

We are a society of consumers and that compels us to upgrade our phones constantly. You are behind the times if you don’t have the most current model and that’s somehow shameful. It’s weird. Upgrading your phone is like making your way through high school. You’re a Senior if you have the latest model, and that means you own the campus. You drop in the social standings for every year you’ve had your phone, You’re a Junior if your phone is a year old. You’re still an upperclassman, but you’re not top dog. You’re a Freshman if your phone is three or four years old. And if your phone is five years old you are in middle school and not worth talking about. I am still rocking my iPhone 4. Siri won’t talk to me, but I can look down on anyone who still has a phone with buttons. Conversely, anyone with an iPhone 5 or 4s can legally shun me. Even those fuckers with the Windows Phone can make fun of me because their phone is cooler than mine. Whatever, I’m chill with being in the middle of the totem pole.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Talking on the Phone in the Subway

Having a long conversation on the phone in public is enough to make everyone hate you, but talking on the phone in the subway is just plain stupid. The other day I was in the underground station waiting for my train. There was a stupid bitch yakking away on her phone standing behind me. The train approached and we both got on, she just kept on chatting away as the door closed and the train started to move. Then her phone cut out because that’s what happens when you’re in a tunnel. I enjoyed the temporary reprieve from her annoying voice, but then she called her friend back at the next station. We were still underground and we had three more stops to go before we hit street level. So she had a twenty-seven second conversation before the doors closed, the train started moving, and her phone got cut off again. And then she called back at the next station, apologized for losing reception because she’s in the subway, and promptly got cut off when the train started moving again. She let out an impatient sigh, like it was the train’s fault for her being an idiot. I know that she’s an idiot because she called back at every station. It’s truly remarkable how people like that exist. And holy shit, there are a lot of people like that. I can’t wait for the zombie apocalypse.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Girl That Doesn’t Deserve a Cell Phone

Everyone has a friend that constantly loses or breaks their phone. Not to be sexist, but it’s usually a girl. Everyone knows the girl that doesn’t deserve a cell phone. She has a habit of randomly dropping it for no reason. She leaves it in cabs and bars and restaurants. She has to replace her broken or missing phones every three and half weeks. She goes through more phones than cell phone bills. She always gets the latest model and it always makes your phone look like a piece of shit, until she drops it and cracks the screen when she’s showing it off. The girl that doesn’t deserve a cell phone always has a new one. Don’t let her borrow your phone and don’t let her hold your baby.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ringtones

I remember those indestructible Nokia phones in the early 2000s. They had a hundred crappy ringtones built in. Now a phone only has a handful of ringtones. It’s almost as if they realized that ringtones are fucking annoying. Some people pay money to have a 30 second song clip as their ringtone. Cool, you have a custom ringtone. I still don’t want to hear it. Nobody else does either. So either turn off your phone or put it on silent. The only acceptable ringtone is vibrate.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Smartphones

The world changed when the iPhone came out in 2007. That’s when smartphones kicked into high gear. Getting rid of buttons was a godsend. We all woke up one day and suddenly there was a phone with a touchscreen interface. Not just a phone. It’s a camera, a gaming console, a music player, you can watch movies and TV shows and listen to the radio, it’s a personal GPS and will show you how to get anywhere, you have the internet and more apps than you can count. With the iPhones and iClones anyone with a steady paycheck can have a portable computer in their pocket.

Once you have that kind of power in your hands, you can do anything. There are stories of people using their iPhones to find out how to perform first aid. Smartphones have literally saved lives. But most of the time you just use it to find out which guy was in that movie or to settle drunken arguments (yes, you can be allergic to water, my iPhone says so).

The only downside to smartphones is that smartphones make dumb people. You get addicted to your device. You always have to check Facebook or your email. Maybe Justin Bieber posted a new picture on Twitter. You have to respond to Becky’s text. You become a slave to it. But so be it. Once you have a smartphone you can’t go back to a beeper.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leaving Home Without Your Phone

You’re in a little bit of a rush. You woke up late and realized you should have left ten minutes ago. That sudden shock of realization is more effective than a shower and you jump out of bed and start getting dressed and gathering your things. You grab your wallet, keys, and bag and run out the door. About three minutes into your commute you realize that you don’t have your phone. You feel naked. You feel lost. Leaving home without your phone is like forgetting to put on pants. You shouldn’t even have to think about it, your phone should always be on you at all times. And now you don’t have it and you cant check the time or Facebook or listen to music. Life can be so unfair sometimes.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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Almost Dropping Your Phone in the Toilet

You have an iPhone. Or a spiffy new Droid. Either way, you have a brand new smart phone and you are proud of it. Getting a cool new phone is a part of life. So is going to the bathroom. And sometimes you are casually looking at your phone while you’re taking a piss, and your grip slips and your phone almost slides out of your hand before your catlike and spastic reflexes kick in and snatch it before it plunks into the toilet bowl. Nothing is more frightening than seeing your iPhone’s life flashing before your eyes as it falls towards the urinated abyss at 9.8 m/s2. I don’t believe in the metric system, I just want to stress my point. Saving your phone from a toilet bath makes you feel alive. Your phone got a second chance that it never asked for, and the best way to celebrate is to update your Facebook status and share it with the world.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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