Tag Archives: sidewalk

Standing in the Middle of the Sidewalk 

Few things annoy me more than people standing in the middle of the sidewalk. There is no reason to stand there. If you want to check your phone, or glance at a map, or smoke a cigarette then go right ahead, but make sure you’re out of the way. You don’t need to obstruct the sidewalk. A sidewalk is like a road for pedestrians. You wouldn’t park your car in the middle of the street. That would be stupid. People will honk at you and crash into you. You would pull over into the shoulder and stay out of the way. So if we could all just do that on the sidewalk too that would be great. 

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Suddenly Stopping While Walking

I live in a major US city with a lot of famous landmarks and points of interest. That means our sidewalks are littered with tourists who see nothing wrong with suddenly stopping while walking to take a picture or admire the scenery. They will be walking at a brisk pace and then stop instantly in the middle of the sidewalk without any warning or indication. You’ll plow right into them if you’re not paying attention. Then the idiot will glare at you and act like it’s your fault that you ran into them. They don’t seem to realize or care that they are the one at fault. They don’t know how to walk, but you’re the one to blame somehow. You shouldn’t be allowed to walk if you have the habit of stopping suddenly. It’s dangerous and stupid. It’s like slamming your brakes on the freeway. You deserve to be crashed into. It’s what you get for being dumb.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Don’t Step In Any Liquid On City Streets

So you’re going to the city for a night. You get all dressed up and ready for a fun night on the town. But before you go out, let me give you some advice: don’t step in any liquid on city streets. Because it’s probably not water. It’s probably piss. People piss outside all the time. Homeless people, drunk people, and people who just can’t hold it in anymore all treat the city like it’s giant toilet. Yeah, it’s gross. Yeah, it’s disgusting. But that’s how it is and you can’t change it. All you can do is try to avoid stepping into any mysterious puddles or streams on the sidewalk.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pedestrian Racing

Pedestrian racing is when you try to outwalk the other pedestrians on a crowded sidewalk. It’s human nature to compete with each other and you might not even be aware that you’re doing it, but the truth is that you’re constantly pedestrian racing. Watch any city sidewalk during rush hour and notice how everyone is racing each other, trying to get to their destination slightly faster than everyone else. You walk at a normal pace on an empty sidewalk, but you increase your stride with each additional pedestrian. You walk around old people and people talking on their phones and tourists taking pictures. You speed up and walk past slow-moving families and try to keep pace with the businessman rushing to a meeting. You don’t want anybody to walk faster than you. You want to be the best. Keep racing pedestrians and one day you could be.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Old Lady On a Scooter

I was skating on a sidewalk downtown and passed by an apartment complex with an underground parking garage. As I was skating by, I heard a buzz and saw a sign light up to warn pedestrians that there was a car coming. But there was no car coming. It was an old lady on a scooter coming out of the garage. She pulled up to the sidewalk, looked both ways, and then started driving down the street in the bike lane. It was obvious that she did all the time, that it was her normal route and routine. She looked like a badass. It’s her city and she does what she wants. I don’t know her name, but I know that she means business. Roll on, scooter lady, roll on.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Snoring Homeless Guy

The other night I was trying to catch a late bus to get back to my house. I got to the bus stop with a few minutes to spare and was waiting for the bus to show up, and that’s when I heard somebody snoring. I looked around and discovered the source of the sound: it was a bum sleeping on the street right behind the bus stop. It was mindboggling how anyone could possibly be sleeping so soundly without a care in the world, especially on a crowded sidewalk by a busy street. I was actually a little jealous of him because I can’t remember the last time that I had a peaceful slumber of my own. It’s kind of sad when a snoring homeless guy gets a better night’s sleep than me. It’s not fair, my bed is way more comfortable than his cardboard box but he’s sleeping like a baby while I toss and turn. At least I don’t have to worry about getting shanked while I’m passed out.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Pedestrian Shuffle

I was strolling down the street and saw a little old lady shuffling towards me in the opposite direction. She was about fifty feet away and we were on a collision course. I solved the problem by moving closer to the street, creating a clear path for myself and leaving her enough space to keep moving forward without obstruction. She finally glanced up and saw me, then she proceeded to awkwardly shuffle into my path. All she had to do was continue walking in a straight line. But her natural response was to stumble into the line of fire. Come on, lady. You’re old, you should have learned how to walk by now. I’ll get out of your way again, but this is the last time. Pick a path and stick to it, avoid the pedestrian shuffle.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Riding Your Bike on the Sidewalk Next to the Bike Lane

The sidewalk of a major city can be a pretty dangerous place. You have a lot of pedestrians and joggers and skaters and dog walkers and vendors and tourists all fighting for some sidewalk space. And then you’ll also have stupid bikers cruising along the sidewalk mere feet away from the fucking bike lane. I seriously have to refrain myself from shoving a stick through their fucking spokes. You have your own designated lane, a safe haven, a pathway created especially for you and your fucking glorious bicycle. Instead you’re riding your bike on the sidewalk right next to the bike lane. It’s a safe bet to say that you failed at life. You’re the type of person who drives with the left turn signal on for miles on end. You just don’t get it. I know that it might be scary to ride on the street next to the fast, loud and shiny cars, but that’s what you’re supposed to fucking do. So fucking do it. Bikers always bitch about sharing the road but then they try to steal the sidewalk.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sidewalk Cracks

I’m not really superstitious, but I’m a creature of habit and will occasionally try to avoid stepping on sidewalk cracks. I don’t do it all the time, but sometimes the potential perils of sidewalk crack-stepping will come to mind and I will not be responsible for breaking my mother’s back. The most important thing about avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk is making it look like you’re not trying to avoid them. If someone notices you meticulously avoiding the cracks, they will call you out for your OCD behavior. So you got to adjust your stride nonchalantly and keep it subtle. It’s ok to be crazy as long as nobody thinks you’re crazy.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Taking Up the Whole Sidewalk

You’re strolling down the city sidewalk. It’s a nice day, the birds are singing, and you’re moving along briskly. And then you see a family of six tourists walking side-by-side taking up the whole sidewalk. They’re moving at a snail’s pace, constantly stopping to gaze at shiny things, and they are causing a pedestrian traffic jam on the sidewalk. I’m not in any particular rush but I don’t yield to sidewalk takers. I’m not saying you have to walk single file, but if you would kindly get the fuck out of my way I’d appreciate it. I’m not above accidently elbowing your kid if it means I get some room to pass your family.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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