Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

April 14, 2013 · 9:55 am

Kajacks

I live in San Francisco and rely on public transportation to get around. That means I get to deal with a lot of crazy people. Like batshit insane. The other day a lady got on the train and made her presence known by asking everyone about kajacks. She stood up and said in a high-pitched voice, “Do you know what the kajacks are? I know what a kajack is.” She then proceeded to sing a song about kajacks, first in English and then in French. She sang nonstop for about five minutes and then suddenly stopped and said, “You can have that for free if you want to buy it.” Then she jumped off the train and out of my life. Now I’ll never know what a kajack is or what they do. I’m not sure I want to know. There’s something intriguing about unsolved mysteries. And maybe she wasn’t even crazy. Maybe kajacks do exist and normal people just can’t experience them. Either way I will never forget that crazy bitch and I’ll be quoting her until the day I die. Do you know what the kajacks are? I know what a kajack is…. You can have that for free if you want to buy it. It’s almost like poetry. Just because she’s crazy doesn’t mean she’s not brilliant.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 13, 2013 · 10:45 am

Ugly Couple PDA

I was on the train going to work yesterday and the couple sitting in front of me could not keep their hands off each other. He kept pulling her hair back and kissing her neck, he was constantly rubbing her back or grabbing her knee, they were getting pretty hot and heavy, and I was started to feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t because of their Public Display of Affection; it was because they were an ugly couple. They were both disgustingly repulsive-looking human beings. I don’t even want to look at one ugly person, much less see two ugly people sucking each other’s face. I have nothing against PDA per se, provided that the persons doing the PDA are pretty and pleasant to look at. Ugly couple PDA is never acceptable. Pretty people can do whatever they want.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 11, 2013 · 10:00 am

Wet Willy

A Wet Willy is when you lick your finger and stick it in someone’s ear. It’s an awesome prank… if you are 9-years-old. Once you hit double digits it’s time to retire that shit. First off you shouldn’t do shit to other people that you wouldn’t appreciate if you’re on the receiving end of it. Giving someone a Wet Willy is essentially spitting in their ear. Don’t give someone a Wet Willy if you don’t want a loogie on your face. And if have the balls to give someone a Wet Willy, then you should man up and admit it. Don’t lie and say you didn’t lick your finger, that it was just water the whole time. Just embrace the fact that you’re an asshole and confess. Don’t pretend that your victim is cool with your bodily fluids in their orifices and accept responsibility for the shit that you do. If that seems like too much of hassle, then you should avoid giving out Wet Willies, it’s a simple as that. And yes, I was the victim of a Wet Willy today.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 10, 2013 · 9:56 am

Cumsniffer

I like to insult people and I like to be original while I’m doing it. My new insult of choice is to call people a cumsniffer. I think it’s a tremendous juxtaposition with a nice balance and pleasant ring to it. And it’s simply delightful to say. Try it. Cumsniffer. It rolls off the tongue. It’s pretty versatile because it’s so vague. Does it mean that you snort semen or did you just catch a whiff of jizz? Next time someone is verbally attacking you, respond with this clever comeback and watch them shut the fuck up. They can’t talk shit if their jaw is dropped. Cumsniffer is interchangeable with motherfucker. For more emphasis you can call someone a shit-eating cumsniffer, or perhaps a titty-fucking cumsniffer if you really want to confuse them.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 9, 2013 · 8:20 am

Leatherman

Pocketknives are like tiny portable tool kits that fit in your pocket. They are essential for camping and outdoor activities, but they are just as practical in urban settings. There are two major rivals in the pocketknife industry: Swiss Army knives and Leatherman multitools. Swiss Army knives are the iconic multitool and they dominate the market. Everyone has had a Swiss Army knife at some point, but it’s a beginner’s knife. When you’re playing around with toys and want the real thing, you graduate to a Leatherman. Leatherman makes heavy-duty multitools with more practical features. They have better pliers, sharper scissors, and sharper knives that actually lock in place. Tim Leatherman (that’s his real fucking name) was a guy who was sick of all the shitty pocketknives on the market, so he made his own. Now he owns 55% of the US market. A Swiss Army knife is just a gadget, a novelty. A Leatherman is a real tool, something you can use every day and rely on. It’s more reliable than your mom, and I use her everyday too.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 8, 2013 · 9:44 am

Selfies

I have a friend on Facebook who has a minor obsession with taking selfies. She’s kind of attractive but nobody would call her stunning. But she thinks she’s the shit and she feels compelled to share her beauty with the world on a daily basis. She uploads like 2 or three selfies a day. And every picture is the exact same pose with the exact same smile and she’s always in a bathroom. The only things that change are her outfits and the increasing amount of lines on her face. Looking at her Facebook pictures is like looking at a flipbook that showcases how haggard she’s become. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional selfie, but some chicks go way overboard. Point the camera in the opposite direction. The whole point of photography is to share what you see. Stop looking at yourself and start looking at the world.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 8, 2013 · 9:41 am

Breaking a Glass Bottle

There is something so satisfactory about breaking a glass bottle. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I enjoy the sound it makes as it shatters into a thousand pieces. It sounds like music to my ears. You feel powerful you throw a bottle against the wall or at the ground. You feel like you are in control. It’s like a high. Chucking a beer can doesn’t compare to smashing a bottle on cement. I had a habit of breaking bottles in my college years. I just felt like it wasn’t a party until shit got rowdy. I’ve kind of matured since then. I still love the sound of shattering glass, but I’m usually not the one doing the damage. I still like breaking bottles but I don’t like dealing with the broken glass. If I could get the same sensation without the mess, I’d be a happy camper.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 7, 2013 · 9:25 am

Bubble Wrap

Bubble wrap might be a mere packaging product for some boring people, but it’s utter bliss for most of the population. I make a direct beeline whenever I see those little plastic bubbles in a UPS box from across the room. I’ll just pick it up and start squeezing. If I’m feeling particularly rambunctious I might spread it out on the floor and stomp on it. I’ll pop each and every last bubble on the sheet and then look for some more. It therapeutic beyond description. If you hear someone else popping bubble wrap you can’t help but join in. It’s like stomping in puddles. You’re suddenly young again. There is such a thing as bad bubble wrap. It might protect and cushion a fragile object in transit, but it won’t make an audible pop when you pop it. And if it doesn’t pop right than it’s not the real deal. Accept no substitutes. Burst the real wrap or bust.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 7, 2013 · 9:23 am

Saying a Professional Athlete Sucks

If you go to any sporting event you’ll eventually hear some loudmouth fan taunting the opposing team or a rival player by saying that they suck. They don’t suck. You know who sucks? You suck. You’re the one sitting on your ass in the stands because you’re not good enough to compete on the field. Saying that the Yankees suck or that Matt Kemp sucks just proves how ignorant you are. Any professional player or sports team is a contender. They get paid to play a game because they are good at it. You can’t say that they suck. Besides, that’s such a cliché insult that it doesn’t even phase them. It’s unimaginative, it’s dull, and you’re better than that. If you really want to mess with a player’s psyche you need to do some research on their personal life and yell out vague threats against his kids and family. It works really well if you know their names and where they go to school. He can’t catch a fly ball if he thinks his kid is in danger.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 5, 2013 · 9:20 am

One Long Hair

I buzz my head because it’s easy to maintain and it’s cheap as hell. I bought some electric clippers for $50 a few years ago and shave my head every month or two. I’ve probably saved a few thousand dollars by avoiding the barbershop over the years. I’ve gotten pretty quick and efficient with it, I can shave my head in a couple of minutes. But no matter what, there’s always a single strand of hair that manages to avoid the clippers somehow. It’s unavoidable. There will always be one long hair that survives the cut. It’s usually around the ears or the back of my neck but that fucker can pop up anywhere. And I always notice it after I’ve put the clippers away. At that point I just grab the tweezers and pluck that fucker out.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 4, 2013 · 9:51 am

Double Pressing the Pedestrian Crossing Button

I had to cross a busy street today, so I sauntered over to the crosswalk and hit the pedestrian crossing button and waited for the light to change. Barely two seconds after I hit the button, another guy walked up and pressed the button again. I don’t know why he had to hit it too, he just saw me fucking press it. Maybe he assumed that I didn’t do it right and doesn’t trust my pressing technique. Maybe he’s just really good at pressing buttons and he has to show off his skills to random strangers. No matter what, there’s no point in double pressing the pedestrian crossing button. It’s not going to make the light change faster and it’s going to make whoever pressed it first resent you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2013 · 9:55 am

Walking Downhill

I live in San Francisco and don’t have a car. That means that I walk. A lot. San Francisco is famous for its many hills and I spend a lot of time walking up and down those hills. Walking uphill sucks. It’s tiring and it’s an involuntary workout. The only good thing about walking uphill is that you’ll eventually reach the peak and start walking downhill. Walking downhill is where it’s at. All you have to do is keep your legs moving and let gravity do all the work. You put some stress on your knees, but that’s a small sacrifice for flying down the hill at a pace that a professional speed walker would be proud of. You can cover a lot of ground in a short amount of time without wasting much energy. Your downhill pace should be called Lipton Speed because it’s so brisk.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 2, 2013 · 9:21 am

Tinactin Antifungal Deodorant Powder Spray

It seems that most people who want to practice good hygiene only use deodorant for their armpits, despite the fact that we sweat all over. Most people neglect their sweaty feet. Maybe they forget about them because they are crammed into shoes and socks all day, so you don’t catch an accidental whiff of your body odor while performing some random activity. I’m a server/bartender so I’m on my feet all damn day, running around in circles for the duration of my shift. I started getting athlete’s foot so I got some Tinactin deodorant spray. It kills odors and helps cure and prevent athlete’s foot. Now I don’t have to be ashamed to take off my shoes in the break room. Nobody wants to smell bad, and Tinactin will make your feet less stinky. Everybody wins. Now if only there was some way to keep my balls from sweating…

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 2, 2013 · 9:17 am

Ghetto Writing

Ghetto writing is when your average pampered white guy goes on the Internet and intentionally spells words wrong, switching back and forth between upper and lower case letters, and generally going out of their way to make their comment unreadable. It’s usually something like, “AlL dA bItChEz N hOeZ nEeD tA nOw ThAt I aInT pHuKiN aRoNd WhEn I sAi ThAt Im GoNnA gEt YoU!! u JuSt aCt HaRd, U aInT sHiT 2 mE. I dO wAt I wAnT wHeN i WaNt n U bItcHeZ cAn SuCk iT!”

They basically go out of their way to be retarded. The basic rule of writing is K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. You want to keep your writing as clear and concise as possible. If it’s hard to write, it’s hard to read. You don’t want your audience struggling to decipher each word of each sentence. They won’t read it if they can’t read it, and you wrote all ghetto for nothing. You might think it looks cool, but nobody else does.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 31, 2013 · 11:07 am

Emergency Piss

If you drink a lot of fluids, you’ll eventually have to piss like a racehorse. And when you gotta go, you gotta go and there’s nothing that can stop the inevitable. At some point in your life you will have to take an emergency piss. That’s when you have to pee so bad that you can’t hold it and you end up taking a leak in a random place out of sheer desperation. You might pee in a bottle or on the side of the road. You might even resort to using a plastic bag or a kid’s sippy cup. Desperate times call for desperate measures and anything is better than pissing yourself. You do what you gotta do to stay dry. An emergency piss is nothing to be ashamed of, sometimes nature calls and you got to accept the charges.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 29, 2013 · 9:57 am

Goose Hands

Last August I went to the Outside Lands Music and Arts Festival in San Francisco. There were a lot of bands, a few different stages, and thousands and thousands of people walking around. Anyone who has ever been to a festival can attest to how easy it is to lose your friends in the crowd. You look away for a second and they’re gone. Some people carry around sticks, poles, flags or balloons so that their friends can spot them amongst the sea of people. That’s a good idea, but it’s kind of cumbersome to walk around with a ten foot pole. Goose hands are the best alternative to lugging a flag around all day. Then next time someone gets separated from the group, tell them your general vicinity and to look out for the goose hands. Form a good old fashioned duck shadow puppet with your hand, then elevate it over your head and make it quack. Get a few friends to do it too, and the missing member of your group will be able to find you without any problem. It’s a great way to locate your group or guide your lost friend back to your spot. It’s easier to push your way through a crowd if you know where you’re going. Goose hands… try them at your next concert. It will change your life.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 28, 2013 · 8:49 am

Light Switch

A light switch is a switch that turns a light on and off. If the light is off and you flick it, the light will turn on. If the light is already on and you flick the switch, then the light will turn off. It’s a pretty straightforward way of controlling the light. Sadly, some people don’t know how a light switch works. They know that if they go into a dark room and can’t see anything they can flick a switch and a light will come on. But they don’t know how to turn off the light when they leave the room. Nobody taught them that a light switch goes both ways (like your mom). I don’t know whether to feel sorry for them or to slap them (like your mom). The general rule states that you turn on the light when you need to see, and you turn it off when you don’t need to see. There are exceptions of course, like leaving a light on to stop burglars or to grow weed. Other than that, you should turn off the light when you leave the room. Unless there are still other people in there.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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