Tag Archives: insult

Your Hair Looks Nice Today

I overheard one of my coworkers saying “Your hair looks nice today!” to my manager. My manager thanked her. I don’t know why. “Your hair looks nice today” is not a real compliment. Why can’t her hair just be nice? Why did she have stress today? It’s the equivalent of saying that your hair is usually a mess but it looks good at this particular moment. It makes you question what your hair looks like on a daily basis. It’s like when someone comments that you’re in a good mood. That means you’re usually an asshole. You got to read between the lines. Not all compliments are compliments. Your hair looks nice today. Normally it doesn’t.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Comebacks

I am a dude and dudes have a tendency to communicate with insults and putdowns. We try to belittle and embarrass each other in order to impress each other. It’s not bullying, it’s bonding. When somebody makes fun of you, that’s an open window for you to make fun of them back. It’s important to have a couple of comebacks in your arsenal. If someone talks shit about your shoes, you should say that it was all their mom could afford. If they make fun of your hairstyle, you should say that it’s how their mom likes it. Those are witty comebacks. And remember, you can always replace their mom with another family member. Mixing it up keeps your comebacks fresh.

Lazy comebacks are the worst. Those are when you repeat back their insult with a slight twist. You’re not going to impress anyone if they say that you’re stupid and you say that they’re dumb. The point of a comeback is to regain the respect your opponent just stole from you. If you can’t say anything clever, than shut the fuck up and accept defeat. It’s better in the long run.

Sometimes comebacks don’t even have to be targeted at the other person. You can a self-deprecating comeback. Insulting yourself more than they insulted you can be just as effective as insulting them. If they call you ugly, tell them you’re aware of the situation and that’s why you don’t take selfies. You’ll get a bigger laugh than they did and they won’t have a good response. They will be lazy if they continue to call you ugly and they can’t switch to a different insult. The self-deprecating comeback is a great defense, but you have to be cautious when insulting yourself. Don’t say that you wet the bed or anything like that.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Douche

Douche is a great word. A douche is either a feminine hygienic product, an effective insult, or a sound effect. A douche is a device that women use them to flush out and rinse their vaginas, which helps get rid of bacteria and unwanted odors. Douche has also become a slang word for an arrogant motherfucker. You can say douche bag for more emphasis if they are really being obnoxious. For some reason, adding bag to it makes it sound harsher. Douche is also a great sound effect for play fighting. Throw a slow motion uppercut at your friend and say Douche! when you make contact. Bam! Douche! Pow! See how satisfying that is? And it sounds natural. Douche is a powerful word. Use it wisely.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Shit Talking

Everybody talks shit about everyone. You talk shit about your friends and they talk shit about you. They still love you and you still love them, but they will start analyzing your flaws the second you walk out of the room and they will make fun of your shirt for good measure. It’s human nature. We are all assholes but we pretend not to be. That’s why most shit talking is done behind your back and behind closed doors. You know that people talk shit about you, but you really don’t want to know what they are saying. Ignorance is bliss, right? Don’t it too personally because you know that you talk shit too and you don’t want to be a hypocrite. I’m not saying that shit talking is a good thing. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing. I’m just saying that it’s a thing that you have to deal with, so you might as well get used to it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wiener

There comes a time in your life when you have to stand for something, and I’ve decided that I’m bringing wiener back. It was an awesome insult on the playground that we stopped using as we gradually learned harsher cuss words and better comebacks. But it still holds merit, and more importantly, it’s fun to say. Try it. Refer to your roommates as those wieners that you live with. See how good that feels? See how liberating it is? Go up to a random guy on the street and call him a wiener. He’ll either start laughing or he’ll beat the shit out of you. He’ll just be confused most likely. It’s interchangeable with asshole, but not as scathing. It’s a friendlier way of saying fuck you. And it’s coming back. I’ve decided it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cumsniffer

I like to insult people and I like to be original while I’m doing it. My new insult of choice is to call people a cumsniffer. I think it’s a tremendous juxtaposition with a nice balance and pleasant ring to it. And it’s simply delightful to say. Try it. Cumsniffer. It rolls off the tongue. It’s pretty versatile because it’s so vague. Does it mean that you snort semen or did you just catch a whiff of jizz? Next time someone is verbally attacking you, respond with this clever comeback and watch them shut the fuck up. They can’t talk shit if their jaw is dropped. Cumsniffer is interchangeable with motherfucker. For more emphasis you can call someone a shit-eating cumsniffer, or perhaps a titty-fucking cumsniffer if you really want to confuse them.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Muttering Under Your Breath

Muttering under your breath is a great way to insult someone without getting in trouble. It’s a great option for kids who want to talk back to their parents without getting grounded or for telling your boss off without losing your job. Once you master muttering under your breath, you can get the last word in any argument, thereby winning the argument.

            The most important thing about muttering under your breath is to make sure that you’re loud enough so that the people around you can hear what you said and realize how clever you are, but you can’t be too loud or the guy you’re insulting will punch you in the mouth. It’s a fine line. Experiment with your muttering and what you mutter until you find what works for you. Practice makes perfect.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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